Rams Over Cowboys: A Week 7 Upset Special
I'm a believer...and in the tradition of great believers, it's time to get prophetic about my beliefs. I believe the St. Louis Rams will beat the Dallas Cowboys in week 7. I know this will happen because I am a prophet, and a disembodied voice told me all about it.
So people of Nineveh... I mean, Bleacher Report, it is time to take heed and act accordingly in your pick 'em leagues, your fantasy leagues, and in making those calls to "Three Fingers" Tony.
Here is how it will come to pass:
Quarter one will be relatively boring and insignificant. Brad Johnson will look very shaky and unsurprisingly old in place of pinkie-poor Romo. He will end the quarter with around 47 yards on 6 completions with an interception. The Rams will simultaneously put up similar passing numbers for an almost mirror performance. The only exception will be an almost 30 yard scamper on a draw play from Steven Jackson that will lead to a Josh Brown field goal.
Score at the end of one: Rams 3, Cowboys 0
Quarter two will become known as the rise of Marion Barber. As any NFL fan knows Marion the Barbarian has a mean streak, and he will be none too happy coming off of an OT loss to the Cardinals and a lame first quarter versus the Rams. He is going to smash his way into the end zone twice in this quarter, and injure one of the Rams DB's along the way with a shoulder pad to helmet induced concussion. Heroic as his second quarter performance will be, it will also end on an ironic note, for in the closing minutes of the quarter the Barbarian himself will unexpectedly go down. While the Cowboys running game will be flourishing in the second frame, the Rams will be consistently boring with the run and the pass. One drive of mediocrity will lead to another Josh Brown field goal. But the moment of destiny will occur with less than two minutes to play in the half on Brad Johnson's second interception of the game. He will throw a misguided pass straight into the hands of the DB who will replace his concussed team-mate. The suddenly energized second stringer will speed his way down the field narrowly avoiding a diving Marion Barber on his way into the end zone. In the ensuing excitement the commentators will notice a writhing Barbarian on the ground clutching the same shoulder used as the weapon of concussion. He will not play another snap this game.
Score at the end of two: Cowboys 14, Rams 13
On to the 3rd quarter and the Rams will receive the kick. This will be the moment known as the rebirth of the once great Dante Hall, as the former Chief return guru will take the kick ninety-something yards to the house to put his team up by 6. And this is only the beginning, for the Cowboys will be a shadow of their former selves now with Old Mediocre Johnson and Tashard "definitely not our first or second" Choice leading the usually fearsome Cowboy offense. There will be a couple of bright spots as Owens and Witten and even their new arsenal counterpart Roy Williams will attempt to snatch the momentum back from the lowly Rams. But their valiant efforts will only be good for two Nick Folk field goals. While this may seem good alone, after all this would normally create a tie game, it will be no match for the emergence of another forgotten Ram. Marc Bulger will throw not one, but two touchdown passes. One to Torry Holt and one to Steven Jackson. These sudden signs of life in the Rams offense will soon carry over to the churning legs of Mr. Jackson much to the dismay of the wounded Cowboys.
Score at the end of three: Rams 34, Cowboys 20
The fourth quarter will pass by quickly but not mercifully for the Cowboys. Steven Jackson will break off two long runs over 30 yards. One will lead him straight into the end zone for his second touchdown of the day, and the other will lead to a chip shot field goal. In the meantime, Brad Johnson will finally find Jason Witten for a short touchdown pass, but it will come much too late in this game. The Rams will control the clock behind a newly empowered offensive line and the bruising running of their best player. Steven Jackson will have his best stat line of the season so far with 157 yards rushing on 23 carries and a TD, and 7 receptions for 68 receiving yards and a TD. It will be the beginning of a dominating second half of the season for number 39. Marc Bulger will feel like a top quarterback again and start clicking with his receivers, especially Torry Holt. Orlando Pace will lead a growling offensive line that has a major chip on its shoulder and something to prove after so many commentators have mentioned the lack of fire on the St. Louis sideline this season. Jim Haslett will suddenly seem like a genius, going 2-0 as interim head coach. But the Cowboys will bring only negativity away from this game after losing Barber as well as what was supposed to be an easy victory. And worse of all, the dark side of Terrell Owens will begin to bubble up in selfish subversion, and the media will not be able to get enough.
Final Score: Rams 44, Cowboys 27
So there you have it. Football prophecy in detail. A result that will affect both teams for weeks to come.
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