Welcome to WWE Raw! We are coming to you TAPED from earlier today at London's O2 Arena.
Announcers are: Michael Cole, Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. R-Truth comes out to pose the somewhat musical question: What's up?
R-Truth tells us he's not perfect, but he's the Truth. He says he will win the WWE belt in 13 days at Extreme Rules whether he has to beat John Cena or The Miz. He's pulling a Bret Hart (before winning the belt) by calling himself a fighting champion who will take on anyone.
John Morrison comes out and said R-Truth was lucky to survive the gauntlet match last week. He runs footage of Truth taking a water break and outs R-Truth as a smoker. He also announces that the WWE Draft will take place next week. Cool!
Morrison goads Truth into putting his spot at Extreme Rules on the line, and we are on with our first match!
Match 1: John Morrison vs. R-Truth for Truth's main event spot at Extreme Rules
After 30 seconds, Truth takes a water break (funny!) and we take a commercial break.
Even matchup as both men look good. Morrison blocks a clothesline, knocks Truth down and hits Starship Pain to win the match.
Winner: John Morrison
Just like that, Morrison is a main eventer! Happy, online fans? I am. Both these guys carried things well in the ring and on the stick.
Frustration takes over R-Truth as he attacks Morrison to ruin his celebration. A couple of running knees to the head have Morrison down, as Truth looks like his dog just died right before his eyes.
Truth apologizes to Morrison, helps him up and throws him back down. Great! Truth is conflicted. He feels bad about what he's doing, but he can't stop attacking Morrison. "You did this, John" and a DDT on the floor.
Fans chant "Who Are Ya?" at Truth (must be a British thing) and boo him out of the building. Truth starts smoking a cigarette! Smoking is BAD, kids! He blows smoke in Morrison's face.
Now that, my friends, is a heel turn.
-- Commercial -
Evan Bourne is in the ring, but EXCUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero is here to introduce the "new and improved" Dolph Ziggler - no longer blond! Guerrero is rocking the Sarah Jessica Parker-style "Cougar" necklace.
Bourne flies off the top rope and is met with a DEFENSIVE DROPKICK (coined by me over the years on commentary) and hooks him into an old-school sugar hold. Bring in Lou Thesz and let's go to a 90-minute draw.
Bourne fires back with a series of crisp jumping strikes. Bourne misses the "Air Bourne" and Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for the pin.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
We are back with some eye-popping Sin Cara highlights. JR throws to a career retrospective of Edge who retired last week. Somehow, Edge's yearbook editor knew he would win the "WWE" title years before the company changed his name. Hope she's working on Wall Street now.
We learn that Alberto Del Rio will throw Edge a retirement party on Smackdown this week. RSVP on Facebook. Seriously!
Miz and Alex Riley come out as Cole starts driving the Miz hype train. Miz talks about his Extreme Rules opponents going from Cena and Truth to Cena and Morrison - plus, it's in a cage. Miz whines that he could lose his belt when one opponent beats the other or sneaks out of the cage.
Miz is going to stage a sit-in until the anonymous GM "makes it right."
Sin Cara breaks up Miz' "Awesome" catchphrase and is ready to dazzle us in his match with Riley.
Match 3: Sin Cara vs. Alex Riley (with The Miz)
Hold the phone! John Cena is here to run off Miz and Riley. The anonymous GM drops in on Michael Cole's iPad to make it a tag match.
Match 3 (again): John Cena and Sin Cara vs. The Miz and Alex Riley
Cena starts strongly as we go to...
We're back and Miz counters the AA and takes over. During the announcers' discussion of the draft, Cole says he's not worried because he's on both shows. Sin Cara gets the hot tag and unleashes MUCHA LUCHA on Miz and Riley.
Heels take over for a while but Cara comes close to a tres-count on the champ, Miz. However, Riley and Miz take over. Cole won't stop reminding Jim Ross about how he was drafted away from Raw and his longtime partnership with Lawler.
Cena takes the tag and wipes out Riley with the Five-Knuckle Shuffle and Attitude Adjustment before tagging off to Sin Cara for the springboard moonsault and the win.
Winners: Sin Cara and John Cena
Message from WWE: We are supposed to take Sin Cara very seriously.
-- Commercial --
Awesome Kong rips up a Bratz doll. That should have been accompanied by Hole's "Doll Parts."
Eve Torres is here, followed by the Bella Twins. Bree says that if Eve gets drafted to Smackdown, she won't get her rematch. Someone needs to go over the rules with Bree one more time.
Match 4: Eve Torres vs. Nikki Bella (with Divas champ Bree Bella)
Bella escapes Eve's "sliding dropkick/tree of Woe" attempt as the champ lends a hand outside. Muay Thai knee strike for Eve turns the tide and she hooks up a half-nelson cradle for the three-count.
Winner: Eve Torres
Michael Cole says he will be knighted by the Queen of England after this...
--- Commercial --
We're back and we see footage from Cole slapping Swagger on Raw and then saving him from Rey Mysterio's 619 on Smackdown. Cole introduces Swagger, and they are back on the same page.
Swagger reads a royal proclamation to knight Michael Cole. Fans are actually singing "God Save the Queen" as a Queen Elizabeth 2 knockoff comes out. Thanks for playing along, fans!
Fake QE2 knights Cole with the sword gimmick. Cole plants a big smooch on Fake QE2. Where is Fake Prince Philip driving a Guinness truck? No such luck.
Swagger attacks Lawler and throws him into the crowd before putting Jim Ross into the ankle lock and forcing JR to kiss Cole's foot, which seems to be covered in raspberry jam. Now we have to call him "Sir Michael Cole." Who's left to announce?
-- Commercial --
Josh Matthews joins Cole on commentary. Cole tells us that he's an athlete and his horrible foot problem is athlete's foot.
Santino Marella will face Sheamus. So it's an Italian wrestling in England against an Irishman who holds the US title. The first W stands for World, people!
Match 5: US champ Sheamus vs. Santino Marella (non-title match)
Sheamus is clobbering Santino with forearms and is controlling him on the mat. Cole runs down all the other luminaries who are also knights, like Bill Gates and Paul McCartney. The Cobra doesn't work after all that punishment, and a Brogue Kick means Sheamus is your winner, fella.
-- Commercial --
The New Nexus will be back next week, which will also be the WWE Draft from Charlotte, N.C. Main event time!
Match 6: Randy Orton vs. CM Punk
Uncle Pepsi is here to get all straight edge on us. Orton wants revenge for last week's Nexus attack, which we see in a video recap. Orton showed us some acting chops during a commercial for his WWE studios debut, "That's What I Am," starring Oscar nominee Ed Harris.
Dueling chants from the London fans. Does this happen during Arsenal v. Chelsea? Snapping powerslam (a la Lex Luuuuuuger!) sets up the RKO? Nope, Punk bails as we go to
-- Commercial --
Punk in control as we are back, as the fans abbreviate their chants to "G2S!" "RKO!" Punk flies off the apron with a clothesline. "Can I pin him out here?" Punk asked. Sorry, no dice. Punk slaps on a reverse triangle. Where's the chant of "MMA" ?
Punk hits The Barbarian's finisher (top rope clothesline) but Orton still kicks out. Orton busts out his DAD's finisher (superplex!) That gets two, but a rollup wins it!
Winner: Randy Orton
New Nexus is here one week early! They attack, and Mason Ryan drills Orton with the Rock Bottom. "Feel like a winner now?" Punk asks. This match must happen at Extreme Rules and we need a stipulation!
Instead, Punk calls Mason off so he can get a piece of Orton. Oops! Orton hits the RKO on Punk! We're out! Good night, Gracie!
Jeff D. Gorman is the only announcer ever to call play-by-play for one of the Big Three pro wrestling companies (ROH) and for a live, global MMA pay-per-view (Moosin: God of Martial Arts). Catch his stuff at jeffdgorman.com or hit him on Twitter @JeffDGorman.