There are certain fan types out there that can drive a person insane when at a live football game. Allow me to take the time to go all “Lewis Black” on this blog and rant away at the top seven types of fans that drive me crazy... **
7. The D-Fence Fan
Signs are a common sight at sporting events. People want to express their right to free speech, show support for their team, or get on TV. I get it—but the next time you’re creating a sign, how about some creativity, people! Signs like “SportsCenter is next” or whatever else...those are getting older than JoePa’s glasses.
The most annoying of all is the twosome that sits in the stands, one holding up a “D” and the other a fence. At every football game in modern history, you see one of these.
The key here is that this is a joint effort. If your boy has to hit the restroom, you may want to pass the “D” to someone else. If not, well...then you get the above picture, which is even more ridiculous than the concept itself. Yeah, go fence!
6. The Clueless Fan
Have you ever watched a game with a clueless fan? You have at some point in your life—trust me. In many cases, the clueless fan is someone we really care about, which doesn’t mean that their responses don’t drive you less insane.
These fans ask the most off-the-wall questions—at the most inopportune times. I’m talking about the types of questions that you can’t answer, such as, “Hey, why exactly did those refs decide to put black stripes at that particular angle on their sleeves?”
Those questions always throw us off and ALWAYS occur on a fourth-and-goal play with one minute to go in a tie game.
You know it. I know it. Admit it...it’s painful!
5. The Lightweight Fan
I know you have encountered these people at stadiums across the country. In fact, some of you probably have been this person from time to time.
Listen, I’m all for having a few drinks before, after, or during a game, as it can always enhance the experience.
In the case of the “Lightweight Fan,” this person will have a few beers at a time, and at approximately five different points during the game. They always end up in your row, and as they are attempting to carry the beers back, these fans believe they are sober.
I honestly know the real reason they have to keep going back for more. By the time they sit down, they have two beers that are half full. Half of one is on my lap, and half of the other is on my head—and that really grinds my gears.
4. The Stadium Club Girl
Somebody explain this type of fan to me. How many times have you seen a female show up at a game in high heels and a short skirt? Why?
OK, so from a male’s standpoint, it isn’t entirely a bad thing—but let’s face it ladies, the men are there to watch their team play. They’re fine with having the women around, and most men don’t mind a good-looking woman at a ball game with a t-shirt on and a solid casual look. Women can look good without being all dressed up to hit a dance club.
Most of us think you are ridiculous to show up to a game looking like the old Pacman Jones visited you earlier in the evening—and that’s a fact.
3. The “Deer in the Headlights” Fan
This is the type of fan who is doing anything possible to get on camera so they can enjoy their one single minute of fame on television.
What is the obsession with getting on camera anyway? Because by the time this fan gets on screen, they have no clue what to do...the person instead just stands there with a blank stare, almost like a deer in the headlights.
In the end, all the fan can come up with is to hold up his/her finger and whisper, “Number one...we’re number one.” That’s it—that’s all they got.
Their team could be Temple football, the Detroit Lions—who knows? They could be ranked 110th in the country in college football, but they’re still No. 1 for that moment in time—and I think that’s ridiculous.
“We’re number one” can take a long walk off a short pier as far as I’m concerned.
2. The “Glass Is Overflowing” Fan
We all know the type. This person was a cheerleader in a former life, or just a few years prior in his or her current life. The glass is definitely not half empty, but it isn’t half full either—it’s overflowing. It could be Duke taking on USC in college football, and this fan is hyping up a 20-point victory by the “Dukies.”
I don’t know about you, but this type of fan is like “nails on a chalkboard” for me. I’m fine with having some faint hope when my team is a major underdog, and if the team I’m rooting for can pull it off, it’s that much more satisfying. But this person needs to get a clue.
Please don’t tell me how your cupcake squad is going to win the national championship. We don’t want to hear it. Someone get some duct tape please...and while you’re at it, I could use some Advil too.
1. The Bandwagon Fans
These fans make life miserable for all of us. Because of them, we often get accused of being one of them ourselves.
Yes, the bandwagon fans...they sported the Lakers' hat during the Shaq and Kobe era and the Tim Duncan jersey after. This fan’s “sox” were red in 2004, and suddenly white in 2005. In college football, it was Carroll and the Trojans, to Les Miles and the Tigers.
The bandwagon fan’s team doesn’t perform, and they disappear. They improve, the fan returns. I loathe you bandwagon fans...take your wagon elsewhere, and leave the real sports fan alone.
If you are a die-hard sports fan like me, you want to watch your team in peace. You want to focus on every last detail of the game. You want to cheer hard during the good plays and over-analyze the bad plays.
Many times, “other fan types” get in the way of your sports viewing enjoyment. I have listed some fan types that drive me crazy, but my question to you is...can you relate to any of these? Are there any other fan types that you can’t stand?
I hope the next time you’re watching a game...you don’t run into any of these people.
** Original posted to KP's Blog February 27, 2007—this version has been tweaked.