The English Premier League is always a blindingly bright diamond pit of top soccer talent. The 2010-11 season is certainly no exception to that rule. Yet something seems to have aligned in the stars this year, as a number of the EPL’s—and indeed, the world’s—top players sport consecutive like letters in their surnames.
If there is any doubt to the veracity of this claim, simply look beyond the EPL for proof: Messi, Villa, Eto’o, Robben, Casillas, Buffon, Ballack and more display the same striking phenomenon.
The double “O” in the middle of this United wunderkind’s surname resembles lemniscate, or the mathematical symbol for infinity: ∞. Thus the English striker is linked inextricably to the enigmatic current of endlessness that flows through all things.
Like a cruel and magical harlot, infinity gives and takes power at will. While Rooney was in superb form for a number of years, his surname has conspired against him in the Red Devils’ 2010-11 campaign, revoking his lordly power and bestowing it jointly upon Chicharito and Berbatov.
There’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said regarding the astronomical talent and fierce loyalty of Welshman Ryan Giggs. This season he notched his 600th performance for Manchester United, a feat beyond description.
Giggs doesn’t just have a double “G” in his last name—he’s got three “G’s” all together. There they sit, crest across his Red Devils jersey like the arched entrance to some divine chamber of heavenly portent.
These letters provide Giggs with exceptional striking talent, adaptability, creativity and wisdom. It boils down to one thing: Giggs, Great Guy. There could be no more apt assessment.
Perhaps the reason that this fleet-footed Spanish goal machine is rearing and ready to leave Liverpool and the Merseyside faithful behind is the double “R” in his surname: he is both Rearing and Ready.
Though the wide world of soccer will wait for bated breath on news of Torres’ potential departure to Chelsea, the fortification and symmetry of his surname was never in doubt. It is a three-part name: “To” “Rr” “Es.”
Is it mere coincidence that his name starts with the English word “To” and ends with the Spanish word “Is”? Is it from this convocation of languages that Torres derives his power?
Liverpool FC is many things—great, storied, historical, proud, branded, wealthy and more. One also finds amidst that cavalcade of personality traits a distinctly negative characteristic: greed. Who do these Merseyside men think they are, hoarding the two best double “R” players in Britain, and perhaps the world?
Again, we must wonder if the double “R” figures at all into Torres’ desire to leave Anfield. Steven Gerrard is fit and back on the pitch. Is there truly room for two consecutive “R” superstars on one team? Does Torres feel threatened by Gerrard’s triple “R” surname?
Only time will tell...
There must be magic lurking in that double “L,” because Cahill is one of the most form players in the EPL this season. Were it not for his goal scoring prowess and all-consuming will to win—or at least draw—Everton would surely be in the thick of the relegation battle.
Despite having missed four full games during Everton’s current campaign, Cahill is sitting on nine goals and four assists as of this writing.
Consider this: “A” is the first letter in the alphabet. “L” is the last letter of the first half of the alphabet. Pienaar left Everton while Cahill remained. Coincidence? We think not.
As the prophecy says, “either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.”
The arrival of Van Der Vaart has precipitated a new era in Spurs’ history. While the team finished with surprising strength and a top-four table position last season, such flukes are common in the history of sport. With the arrival of Van Der Vaart at the beginning of the 2010-11 season, the team fortified itself. Tottenham has become a genuine force within the EPL.
Whether Harry Redknapp and the Tottenham administration were aware of it or not, there is powerful sorcery involved in Van Der Vaart’s arrival and the heralding of a new era at White Hart Lane. Being the first letter of the alphabet, “A” holds special powers of rejuvenation. A double “A” is doubly powerful.
Double word score for Andy Carroll! This young Briton combines the powerful double “R” of Torres with the incisive double “L” of Cahill for a striking combination of midfield creativity and prolific striking ability.
Carroll is one of the great superstars of the 2010-11 EPL season, and it’s no mere coincidence that it has happened in the year in which a player with two double letters in his surname turned 22.
Despite having missed four consecutive games for Newcastle on account of injury, Carroll has the third highest goal total of the season as of this writing—11—behind Berbatov and Tevez, as well as six assists.
Arsenal’s young attacking midfielder has proven indispensable to the Gunners’ this season. He scores goals when needed and is a key provider of assists for the team’s other attacking threats.
Theo is blessed with something quite interesting. His last name ends with the same letter his first name begins with. It’s almost as though he exists in a world of endless rebirth, as though he is spinning through a whirling vortex in which the end of his being is the begin of his being are one and the same—yin and yang.
Therein lies his power.
This philandering defensive stalwart is yet another bearer of the double “R” flame. It’s been suggested—by Wayne Bridge, among others—that the two “R’s” in Terry’s surname stand for "randy rapscallion."
Terry’s return from injury has contributed to the resurgence of the Blues over the past few weeks. This surge in form has seen Chelsea gallop past Tottenham straight into fourth place, only four points behind City.
There is a spectacular power in the double “S” of this Ghanaian powerhouse’s surname. Aside from the unfortunate historical association with the secret police of the Third Reich, such a succession of crooked letters often proves fortuitous: Steve Spielberg, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Sammy Sosa.
Rather than spread those letters over the course of his first and last name, Chelsea’s midfield talent packs them together in his surname. Essien is a great and pacey player who, despite a lengthy injury spell during the 2010-11 season, has had a profoundly positive impact on the squad this season.
Steven Pienaar – If Van Der Vaart’s arrival to Tottenham made an impact, image the quadruple power effect that will descend upon White Hart Lane like a strike of benevolent lightning when the South African international and the flying Dutchman link up on the attack–"aaaa!"
Jussi Jaaskelainen – Looking at the Bolton keeper’s surname is enough to make a lesser man’s head explode. Faced with pronouncing it, most will be reduced to tears. Those who do attempt to say it are commonly faced with shame and forced to disembowel themselves in order to save face.
To break it down: A double “S” in the given name. A double “A” in the surname. Three “A’s” total in the surname. Initials of “JJ.” An “E” bracketed by a pair of menacing “N’s.” It’s almost as though the power of the man’s name has usurped his power as a player, leading to myriad chances by opposition strikers to toss the ball into the back of Bolton’s net.
Frederic Piquionne – Piquionne is one of the less visible heroes of the 2010-11 EPL season, but if it weren’t for his goal scoring and assisting prowess, West Ham wouldn’t have the proverbial snowball’s chance in hell of staying up this season. And there are those who argue that they still don’t, despite this Frenchman’s best efforts.