Okay, Lance, we get it: You're awesome.
This guy is so awesome he could make Gandhi feel like a failure. In 1996 he was diagnosed with brain, lung, abdominal and testicular cancer, all at once. Such news would devastate even the most hard-hearted individual.
Lance instead told his cancer to get lost, and shockingly it listened to him. Lance is evidently the cure for cancer that science has been searching for all these years. I can only hope he is being studied.
Then, when most guys would just breath a sigh of relief over cheating death and maybe go for a walk in the park, Lance decides to enter the Tour de France again. And again. And again...
From 1999 to 2005 he won 7 titles in a row. It's still shocks me to this day that anyone even showed up to compete for the last few years.
During that stretch, he was also honored with the Male Athlete of the Year award four consecutive years, from 2002 to 2005. I can say with utmost certainty that if I was ever named Male Athlete of the Year even once, even if it was related to my success in Hog Riding, I would immediately retire and never stop smiling.
I would stop people on the street, "Did you hear? I won Male Athlete of the Year!" I would do this for decades after I actually won. People would run from me in terror if they ever saw me, even immediate family members.
Lance, on the other hand, just kept on winning. It seemed like he didn't even care.
Then, after seven Tour de France wins, he retired. You would think that that would end the story, but no. Next, Lance goes and starts dating celebrities and supermodels like some people collect arrowheads.
Oh, he also has completed the Boston Marathon in the top 500.
Granted, Lance hasn't solved cold fusion or anything (what a loser) but for an athlete he is about as accomplished as they come. Maybe Tiger Woods comes close, but he plays golf, so he barely counts.
So here Lance sits with a tremendously successful cycling career in the books, a budding running career, a romancer of the stars, and with zero body fat. What is a man to do? Would he finally relax and revel in his achievements?
No. He wants to cycle again.
Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying he shouldn't go back to cycling. In fact, I'm all for it! I'm for anything that involves Americans pounding competitors into the dirt on French soil. All I'm saying is, he makes me feel like a loser. And that makes me sad.
Maybe I should start wearing yellow shirts...