There's simply nothing worse, or at least that's the way it feels now. You've been on edge since the draft, through mini and summer camp, the exhibition season and four compelling months of regular season football living and dying with your teams every peak and valley—only to have things come crashing down when it matters most.
With a playoff berth on the line, with Super Bowl dreams still lingering, even if your team went south long before that the withdrawal process is still incredibly difficult.
How to occupy oneself.
Diminish the football obsession.
To just forget about the god damn season and make the pain go away!
What you see below represents some quick thinking on the subject. Starting with the most obvious:
1. If your team just pulled a dive on you this past weekend like the Giants or Jags, well lucky for you it coincides with almost everyones holiday week. You can start drinking right now and keep it up until next Sunday so by the time you get back to work on January 4, you'll not only have forgotten about the last game but perhaps the entirety of your life as well. (Who knows, maybe you need that kind of all encompassing do-over. Either way have a lot of coffee ready for that Monday morning.)
1A) If you are a Chargers fan, you have the option of heading to your local doctor and requesting a marijuana prescription due to extreme depression or anxiety although there's no real evidence the ganj will do anything to cure your ills in either respect, (in fact it might even have the opposite effect.)
It will enhance your appetite though in case you're having trouble eating.
2. Male or female seek out the best looking person you've had even the briefest contact with. Someone generally perceived to be totally out of your league.
Proceed to ask that person out on a date. When you are turned down force feed an all consuming obsession. Call the object of your new found desire constantly, write letters, emails, send flowers or basketball tickets, anything you can conjure that precludes you from thinking about football.
Now in the alternative, fortune may shine upon you. This exceedingly good looking person agrees to the date proposal, even allows you into his or her bedoir.
That's a home run right? I mean, if sex with the best looking person you know doesn't get you off the football blues you really might want to consider shock therapy—which is not on our list by the way.
3. If you're a brainy type, consider reading all eighteen of Harlen Cobens sensational suspense novels. They will grip you in a way that will allow you to read at least one a week. That's four and a half months, which brings you back to the draft.
4. If you're overweight and really don't care consider experiencing every type of pizza you can get your hands on. Even if they have to send it to you packed in dry ice from New York or Chicago.
From there go to burgers and fries, drive-thrus and sit down joints. When you reach a point where you can no longer fit in a booth, join a gym. Obsess over your level of fitness until you are at a point where you can go give option two a try.
That should take you right to kickoff 2011.
5. Hug your kids. If you don't have any, hug the neighbors' kids. If they don't have any, hug your neighbor and see where that takes you.
6. Buy an amazing new car that you absolutely cannot afford which will cause you endless worry over payments. In a worst-case scenario it gets repossessed, but in a best case scenario it might engender a similar result to part two of point two.
7. Work toward becoming an ultra-marathoner. Don't, however, become a member of the barefoot movement unless you have a very good pair of tweezers or a very high threshold for broken glass, rusty nails, etc...
(Very beautiful scenery on those ultra's from what I hear. One can either change your life or end it, and they mostly take place on the weekends when you might normally be at home stewing over your teams season ending failures.)
8. If you can't beat 'em join 'em. You're so sick of all the coaching decisions made by your hometown field leader you go off in mad pursuit of some kind of NFL scouting gig.
Take heart in the fact that endless so-called experts in the field pounced on Tim Tebow and said there was no way he'd ever become a quality pro quarterback because his mechanics were tainted from all the years of playing off center.
(The guy was only one of the greatest athletes, most forceful and inspiring field leaders to ever play the college game. As if it was so far fetched that he'd be able to make a few adjustments and start throwing and running in the pro game like—I don't know, Michael Vick?)
Anyway, start off as a scout and work your way up from there. Next thing you know you may have a coaching job somewhere and instead of screaming at the TV and calling your teams coach or coordinator a blithering idiot some other guy will be sitting on his couch saying the same about you.
Key point being, at least now you'll be getting paid for all your aggravation!
9. If you're the fair-weather type, consider moving to Boston. The Pat's always contend, Brady's got a long way to go, the Celtic's and Red Sox are loaded too.
Even Bruins are coming off a solid 2009, though I have to admit I've only looked at the hockey standings once all season so I don't have a clue how they're doing thus far in 2010.
Still, three superb teams is all you can ask for and the Bawston accent is not necessarily required.
10. And finally, go on tour with Beacher's Madhouse. It's a riotous circus filled with midgets and scantily clad, beautiful women that travels all over the country—Miami, Vegas, L.A., (three fun filled cities right there!)
A) It'll make you feel like a big man around all those little people, and B)You'll never stop laughing, David Arquette & Company are just that hilarious.
Go to You Tube and check it out.
Well, that's it for now, though we'll be back soon with ten reasons Giant Coach Tom Coughlin's got to go. In the meantime hit us back with some of your own solutions to the soothe the pain of a shortcircuited NFL season.
That's it for now,
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