Author's note: Before proceeding, please note that the following article is on a SPORTS site and serves as a parody of the way many in the media kept digging up new reasons to not vote for someone to office in an impressively-short time span.
"Hey," I thought, "if someone won't vote for her because she supports shooting animals from a helicopter, why not because she was a sportscaster? They're annoying for the most part, after all."
This article, in truth, expresses no political beliefs, and even if it did, Bleacher Report is not designed for political discussion and it was never my intention to bring inane political banter to Bleacher Report.
Above all, sports is supposed to be an ESCAPE from the stress of politics and it wasn't my intention to cross the two since this article has remarkably little serious content. I apologize.
Above all, if you're too stuck in partisan politics—be that the Bible-belt or living on a communist compound—to see this article for what it is, perhaps you should refrain from reading further.
If you think I failed in my intentions, fine, but please don't make this a place for "serious" political discussion or use your misunderstanding of the article as a springboard for propaganda.
—JCH, Sept. 14
Forget any qualms with the Republican platform, any hang-ups about the pregnant daughter situation, and all issues with McCain's general hypocrisy on experience and popularity.
Forget her abject hatred of the polar bear, her absurd creationist beliefs, and her complete lack of foreign policy experience.
Forget her abuse of pork-barrel spending and the growing pile of controversies from her previous work.
Forget all that completely pointless political garbage, even if she might be a bellicose, neofascist man-eating beast who spears endangered fish and Eskimos in her spare time.
Sarah Palin can not be the next Vice President for one reason alone: her career as a sportscaster.
And not because the clip I saw on Youtube has her claiming Purdue plays in "McKay" Arena.
Yes, many years ago, America's favorite hockey mom worked as a sports reporter for KTUU in Anchorage, a revelation far more damaging than any of the muck that's emerged in the last ten days. Rumor has it she might have even named her daughter Bristol after ESPN's hallowed headquarters and that her dream job involved working for said meganetwork.
Take a brief look at vintage ESPN. Chris Berman. Charley Steiner. Lee Corso and Beano Cook. Dick Vitale. Olbermann and Patrick. Bob Ley and Jim Gray.
Fun guys to have a beer with, I'm sure, and the days when there were only two ESPN's and the second showed Australian Rules Football do inspire nostalgia in this sports fan.
But really: would you want anyone who aspires to join that to be Vice President, only a death away from our highest office?
While it might seem a splendid idea at first—a woman who understands sports in power!—nightmare scenarios quickly emerge.
What if she suddenly adopted the middle initial "M.," not in homage to the 1931 Fritz Lang masterpiece, but rather to form a horrific Bermanesque nickname?
What if she suddenly snapped Bill Rafferty-style and threw an, "ONIONS!" in the middle of an economic policy speech?
What if she appointed Isaiah Thomas to government office for "s**** and giggles?"
Could you ever see any sportscaster as Vice President? Mike Tirico speaking about immigration? Linda Cohn at the State of the Union? Craig Kilborn leading discussion at the United States Senate?
We might as well elect car salesmen and infomercial stars.
Call me crazy, but I like my sports and my politics separate. Sports is the anti-politics: it's fun, no one ever dies because of a bad trade, and I feel my personal involvement in it isn't a colossal waste of my time.
And our recent past as a nation supports the idea of keeping our politicians as removed from the sports world as humanly possible.
Our most athletic President? The lackluster, feckless Gerald Ford.
Our biggest sports businessman-turned-President? The inept George W. Bush, former part-owner of the Texas Rangers and current holder of a 33% approval rating.
Our broadcaster-turned-sports actor-turned-President? The affable Ronald Reagan, of whom my negative opinion is well outside the scope of this article, although I will say he had the uncanny ability to coin and spawn obnoxious terminology that has more silliness than cleverness or truth ("Evil Empire," "Reaganomics," etc.).
As much as many people are quick to point out the moral flaws of Bill Clinton, he had no where near the number of negative issues as these three, and what was his sports background? A slight interest in rugby and a bronze medal at unclasping brassieres.
Consistently, scholars name Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt our two greatest Presidents. One had never even seen a football; the other spent his days sipping wine at country estates during part of which he was partially paralyzed.
I'm not telling you who to vote for. I'm sure Obama and Biden play catch everyday and mock announce basketball games in funny voices whenever they're alone together, and frankly I'll probably be writing in Moe Szyslak and Lionel Hutz on my ballot.
I'm just suggesting that we be wary of sportscasters, previously aspiring or established, especially when elections are dictated by the same rules as high school popularity contests. People already hate us as a country. God forbid what would happen to our reputation if our Vice President started ending speeches with a "booyah!" or calling first-term congressmen "diaper dandies."
The risk is there, and it's almost as scary as international terrorism and Chinese economic prowess. Advisors haven't been able to keep George W. Bush's speaking ability at a flawless level; should Palin ever become Vice President, what exactly would stop a hypothetical regression into mediocre high-energy highlight reeling?
Let's keep politics and sports as far apart as possible. Resist the temptation to put a former sportscaster in high office.
It's bad enough we in the United States have to be subjected to sportscasters just a shade better than the "boom goes the dynamite!" guy.
For the good and sanity of mankind, let's please spare ourselves, if not from the rest of the world, then from the possibility of a sportscaster-turned-political executive's unintentional wrath.
Oh, and God Bless America, with a capital G, baby!