Alex Rodriguez would like a new number.
Bleacher Report has obtained a secret copy of Santa’s “Naughty or Nice” list from WackyLeaks. We checked it more than twice to discover what a few of the world’s top sports stars want from jolly old St. Nick this year.
Here's what the players who have everything still require:
Alex Rodriguez — to be treated like Mickey Mantle. “What do you mean the No. 7 has been retired?”
Danica Patrick — to grow one more “cup” size.
Fred Wilpon — the owner of the New York Mets would like Bernie Madoff’s cell phone number. (And by “cell,” we mean prison cell.) Ticket sales are slow this year, and Fred wants to ask Bernie for his investment back.
Michael Vick — a longer leash.
José Reyes — eight teammates with talent.
Cliff Lee — His own personal Cheese Steak chef.
Jimmie Johnson — name recognition. (editors note: this is not the famous NFL Jimmie Johnson, but the one who drives stock cars.)
Derek Jeter — another year of acting lessons.
Brett Favre — some feeling in his throwing arm.
Ilya Kovalchuk — the New Jersey Devils’ 100-million dollar man would like a hole in the ice to crawl into.
Sal Alosi — the New York Jets’ former knee-capping coach needs some career counseling.
Cam Newton — a new father. Never mind, who needs a father when you have a trophy?
Amar'e Stoudemire — a pair of James-resistant Nikes.
Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Carmelo Anthony — a travel agent who can get him a multimillion dollar ticket back to his old Brooklyn neighborhood.
Tiger Woods — a new first name. Perhaps something not quite so frisky.
Francisco Rodriguez (K Rod) — anger management boxing lessons.
Carlos Beltran — a way to work the word “Rod” into his identity.
David Beckham — some more Old Spice.
Mark Cuban — Cuba.
Jerry Jones — a new lasso and better aim.
Tim Tebow — a TiVo loaded with pro football highlights so he can see how things are done in the NFL.
LeBron James — an arena football league to go with his professional basketball association.
Bleacher Report calls on its members to check their Christmas lists for the names of additional superstars and post their gift selections here. Let’s make sure none of our sports heroes go without during this festive holiday season.