The holiday season is upon us! Yes NHL players, fans, GMs, and coaches, get out your pens and paper and start writing those letters to Santa Claus!
Every team around the league has at least one thing on their Christmas wish list, and some have substantially more than that. Let's take a look at what would make each team's Christmas extra special this year!
I know my defense has been bad this year; okay, really bad, but if you can help me, I know they'll be good next year. My Christmas wish is for you to send Brett Favre to Scott Niedermayer's house, to convince him that it's perfectly acceptable to retire, then un-retire, several times.
Also, if you're on good terms with the ghost of Christmas future, could you have him pay Scott a visit as well, and show him how bad things will become if he doesn't agree to play another five years?
-Bob Murray & Randy Carlyle
We here at the Thrashers have been very good this year, better than anyone expected! Thanks again for ignoring Don Waddell's wish last year for Ilya Kovalchuk to sign the 10 year, $100 million contract with us; you really helped me dodge a bullet on that one!
This year, I'd like you to make Atlanta have severe winter weather, Canada style, to the point that people in Atlanta start to care about hockey. We've got a good team, and still no fans. Also, if you could bail Thrash out of jail, that would be great.
Please, please, please let us find a way to win the second round of the playoffs this year. The Carolina debacle two years ago, when we were the favourites, and we battled back to force game seven, then lost in overtime on a goal by a guy who should've been suspended, was tough to take. Then, blowing a three-nothing series lead, and a three-nothing game seven lead, to the Flyers, was just torture.
So, the only thing I really want this year is a second round playoff win. And, if you want to throw a little cap space in my stocking, I wouldn't complain about that.
I am starting to feel like Tyler Myers is past his prime. Could you please make him 18 again?
We really need a new GM; someone who isn't an amateur magician. Making Olli Jokinen disappear was impressive, but making him reappear was just sad. Please help us before Darryl Sutter trades away our next two first round picks for Phil Kessel.
Please don't let my brother Darryl get fired; I know I'd be next.
We're thrilled with Jeff Skinner so far, and we would just love if you could make sure he's as clutch in the playoffs as Eric Staal and Cam Ward.
-Jim Rutherford, Paul Maurice, Hurricanes fans
Byfuglien & Ladd
Thank you for the Stanley Cup last year! After that, we feel like we were so generous to the rest of the league, especially Atlanta, that we deserve a few presents this year!
Could you please give Stan Bowman some cap space to work with, solid goal-tending, and a healthy Pat Kane and Marian Hossa?
Could you please give me a defenseman who is actually good defensively? Robyn Regehr would be perfect.
Could you please make Steve Mason a rookie again? It's like he can hardly stop a beach ball these days, and we remember the good old days when he had 10 shutouts! If Carey Price can turn things around, we think Steve can do the same, but we don't have a Jaro Halak to pick up the slack in the meantime.
-Scott Howson and Scott Arniel
Can you please send us a new owner? I really don't want to get traded to Toronto...
Can you make Nick Lidstrom sign a 10 year contract with a "no retirement clause"? He's still the best defenseman in the league, and I don't know what I'd do without him.
Can you make Gretz and Mess come back and play centre for us? We have all the rookie wingers, and we figured the best way to make a dynasty is to look at what made us a dynasty last time.
-Steve Tambellini and Tom Renney
Can we please have an NHL caliber team?
Oh wait, I meant to say, can you please make us an AHL team? We're tired of missing the playoffs.
-Entire Panthers Organization
-Dean Lombardi & Terry Murray
Jamie McLennan - picked in 2000 expansion draft
Can we do another expansion draft? I think we could have done better in the last one, and I'd like a do-over.
Could I get posters, car decals, bumper stickers, billboards, and painted murals all over Montreal that simply say "Halak Who?"
Could you please clone Shea Weber, but use a little bit of stem cell DNA tweaking to make him a scoring forward?
-David Poile & Barry Trotz
Could you please make the NHL re-investigate our still blatant salary cap circumvention and overturn the Ilya Kovalchuk 15 year contract?
-Lou Lamoriello, John MacLean, Devils' fans, Devils' ownership, Devils' players
Please ignore the Devils' request.
-Philadelphia Flyers, Pittsburgh Penguins, New York Rangers, New York Islanders
Could we please have a new arena? If Charles Wang has to pour a few hundred million dollars into a new arena, maybe he will stop making GMs like me sign Alexei Yashin and Rick Dipietro to 10 or 15 year contracts.
PS. Healthy, talented players are also high on my list.
I haven't been suspended yet this season; can I please come off the Naughty list?
You're leading the league in penalty minutes. Enjoy your coal.
Can you please send us Dany Heatley? I know he's not exactly a "team player" but none of our "team players" can score.
-Bryan Murray & Cory Clouston
Please let Sidney Crosby have a career ending injury. Also, if you could pimp out our penalty box, that'd be swell.
-Peter Laviolette & Flyers' players
Could we please have a new owner and a new city? You're a winter kind of guy; you know hockey doesn't work in Phoenix. Can you end the misery and let us move to Hamilton? Jim Balsillie knew what was best for us.
-Coyotes' players, coaches, and fan
Could you send Sidney Crosby injury proof body armour? If he gets hurt, we're screwed. Also, if Chris Pronger could cheat on his wife, and have to move back to the West, we wouldn't complain.
-Dan Bylsma & Ray Shero
Could you send us healthy players, or a fleet of doctors?
-Doug Armstrong & Davis Payne
Could you give me a Conn Smythe Trophy so people stop asking me why I can't play in the playoffs?
Please send us a Shooter Tutor, and amend the NHL rulebook so that it can be our starting goalie. It covers more net, and probably moves faster than Ellis or Smith. Plus, it won't bite on neutral zone spin-o-ramas or faked slap shots, so we'll at least look respectable.
-Guy Boucher & Steve Yzerman
Could you convince one of the other GMs to trade me two first round draft picks and a second rounder for Phil Kessel? I'm thinking maybe Darryl Sutter in Calgary.
Just two things on my list this year. First, could we please not play the Blackhawks in the playoffs this year? We just can't seem to beat them. Second, can you make Bobby Lou clutch in the playoffs? It's almost like after the first round he wants to start his summer vacation so he intentionally lets in goals.
-Mike Gillis & Alain Vigneault
Can I have a ****ing Cup!? Or do you not ****ing care!? I still want to coach this ****ing team! Also, can you send some some guys who aren't ****ing primadonnas!? ****!