Trading Places; Alternative Jobs For NFL Head Coaches
There aren't too many professions out there that have less job security than being the head coach of an NFL team. In fact, every season at least a few head coaches are sent packing for one reason or another regardless of whether or not they deserve it.
And while it may seem like plenty of these coaches around the NFL aren't in danger of losing their jobs, just look at a guy like Brad Childress for an example of how quickly things can turn sour and a once stable coaching job can disappear.
In today's NFL, owners and fans alike are looking for progress in the form of more wins, more playoff appearances, and ultimately Super Bowl glory. This "what have you done for me lately?" mentality has gotten to the point where it really doesn't matter how successful a coach has been in the distant past if they're not winning in the present.
On top of the fact that their job security is about as unstable as Rex Ryan on a unicycle, NFL head coaches log some of the most brutal hours and are almost always the first person to be blamed when things go wrong and one of the last to be recognized when things go right.
The recent mid-season firings of Wade Phillips and Brad Childress have shown us that the days of standing by your coach have come to an end, leaving little assurance that their jobs are safe for even the most celebrated of NFL head coaches.
So with this in mind lets take a look at some alternative jobs for NFL head coaches, because who knows which of these guys will soon find themselves out of luck and out of a job.
Andy Reid- Butcher
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Andy Reid has had a great run with the Philadelphia Eagles and is currently the second longest tenured head coach in the NFL.
The Eagles currently stand at 7-4 and are one of the trendy picks to represent the NFC in this years Super Bowl, but it never hurts to have a backup job just in case.
Andy obviously has a penchant for meat and I wouldn't be surprised if what he's got stashed in his personal fridge could rival that of your local butcher.
This seems like it would be an easy transition for Reid who would get to spend his day around various cuts of meat from various animals, not that this is very far off from how he spends his time currently, but at least in this case he would be getting paid for it.
I don't know about you, but I could definitely see Andy wearing a butcher's coat and manning the meat slicer while chatting up the butcher shop regulars. It seems like a match made in heaven.
Rex Ryan- Bartender
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Bartenders are generally either an extremely attractive girl or a guy who has a loud personality that can make even the most bitter drunks crack a smile.
While Rex Ryan could never be confused for a girl (much less an attractive one) he's definitely got a personality that can light up a room.
So it would make perfect sense if you walked into your local sports bar and Rex was back there playing to the crowd and getting everyone sauced.
At the same time, Rex is a no nonsense kind of guy who would be more than happy to cut someone off who had a few too many or even roll up his sleeves and kick someone out for bad behavior.
It would be great to have a bartender like Rex at your favorite watering hole, just don't try to order a cosmo, not only has he never heard of that but ordering anything besides a beer or simple mixed drink is liable to send him over the edge.
Jim Caldwell- Vending Machine
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This isn't to degrade Jim Caldwell, but seriously, has there ever been an NFL head coach who shows less emotion on the sidelines?
Regardless of what's going on in the Colts game you can bet that Jim Caldwell will be standing there with that same stoic look on his face like he's pondering the meaning of life while Peyton Manning frantically directs one of the best offenses in the NFL.
And even though Caldwell looks like he's holding his breath for the entirety of every Colts game, he seems to get the job done.
So it would make perfect sense for Caldwell to try his hand as a vending machine, where he could simply stand in the corner keep his mouth shut and get the job done, much like he does on pretty much every Sunday.
Eric Mangini- The Next Subway Spokesperson
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Even though Browns fans are enduring yet another disappointing season from their favorite team, they can at least take solace in the fact that they can now tell the difference between their head coach and offensive linemen.
Before the 2010 season, the most endearing thing about Eric Mangini was the fact that the overweight head coach resembled Augustus Gloop from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.
But after cleaning up his diet over the off season Mangini showed up to Browns camp looking like a shadow of his former self and was even a little hard to recognize because he had dropped so much weight.
Because of this, Mangini might very well have a career as the new Subway spokesperson, as it's doubtful he'll stay with the Browns for much longer after being in danger of getting fired last season and currently being at the helm of a 4-7 effort in 2010.
Mangini is equally as unlikeable as Subway's current spokesperson, Jared Fogle, who has the personality of a brown paper bag so it's not like he has big shoes to fill.
So when Mangini is fired by the Browns, and we all know that's coming, he might want to talk to Subway about becoming their pitchman, it seems like a good fit for both parties.
Brad Childress- High School Guidance Counselor
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After trudging through a drama filled 2010 season in Minnesota which saw the Vikings compile a disappointing 3-7 record, Childress was finally put out of his misery when Zygi Wilf fired him last week.
It's certainly debatable how much of the blame for the Vikings troubles rests on Childress, but what's not debatable is the fact that he had completely lost control of the locker room and it was obvious that the players no longer believed in him.
So Brad is looking for a new job and I can't think of a better fit for him than becoming the guidance counselor at a local Minnesota high school.
There's just something about his lifeless personality and demeanor that screams guidance counselor and if you thought his former players on the Vikings didn't like Childress can you imagine how a 17 year-old high school student would react to one hour sessions with Brad?
Sure, there are plenty of guidance counselors who really connect with their students and actually make a difference in their lives, but there are others who are just a little too creepy, annoying, and unhelpful to be good at their jobs and I think Childress would fit perfectly into the latter category.
Tom Coughlin- Prison Warden
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For years, Tom Coughlin has been known as one of the more discipline oriented head coaches in the NFL and it's generally not a surprise when you hear his players complaining about the strict nature with which he runs his team.
We've also heard the stories about him fining players because they didn't show up five minutes early to team meetings, so it's little wonder some of his players take issue with how Coughlin does things.
At the same time, Coughlin's stern nature and meticulous attention to detail have served him pretty well over his NFL career which has seen him win a Super Bowl and make eight playoff appearances in his 14 seasons of coaching.
But like most head coaches, Coughlin's job is far from safe which is why he might want to consider a job in corrections once he leaves the NFL.
Because of his personality and the strict way he conducts business, it's not too much of a stretch to see Tom Coughlin as a prison warden who rules with an iron fist. Prisons are a place where discipline and rigorous schedules are the cornerstones of daily life and these values are right up Coughlin's alley.
Bill Belichick- Lawyer
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Bill Belichick is one of the smartest and most well respected coaches around the NFL. His track record basically speaks for itself and while his success as the Patriots head coach is undeniable, he is certainly not well liked around the league.
Belichick has definitely been in the news for some less than flattering incidents including the spygate allegations and his rather frosty relationships with other head coaches around the league as well as with the media.
Because of this, Belichick has earned an infamous reputation around the league not only for being a winner but also for the way he has conducted himself over the years.
For all these reasons, Bill seems like the quintessential lawyer who rarely loses a case because of how intelligent he is but also ruffles a few feathers along the way.
After a short adjustment period I have every confidence that Belichick would make a great lawyer as he's already fairly underhanded and secretive in his tactics and it seems likely that he would do whatever he had to in order to win that big case, including berate whomever was on the witness stand in order to get his way.
The fact that he would have to ditch his trademark hoody for more formal attire might very well be the biggest adjustment that Belichick would have to make in transitioning to the life of a lawyer.
Marvin Lewis- Funeral Home Director
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For the last eight seasons Lewis has been roaming the sidelines for the Cincinnati Bengals and while he's done so with varying levels of success, he's always been a fairly cool customer that the players seem to like. While he never gets very animated on the sidelines he's also not in Jim Caldwell's territory either and Marvin can show that occasional spark when he's unhappy about something.
Unlike some head coaches, there's just something comforting about the way he walks, talks, and acts that makes me think Lewis would be a perfect fit as a funeral home director.
And if he's been able to deal with Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens in the same locker room this season despite the fact that the team is currently 2-9, he should have no problem dealing with people's grief over losing a loved one.
Norv Turner- Ticket Taker
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Norv Turner's not the sharpest knife in the drawer and some people think he's one of the reasons why a consistently stacked Chargers team hasn't been able to take the next step over the last few seasons.
But he absolutely seems like a nice guy and while most head coaches will yell and scream at their players when things go wrong, Turner usually just buries his head in his hands or wanders around on the sidelines like he just watched someone steal his car.
Norv also isn't getting any younger and at 58 years old it might be time for him to pursue a job as a ticket taker at various events like many senior citizens do.
All Norv would have to do is stand there and scan people's tickets into the system to ensure that they are real and answer any questions that the guests may have.
Even Norv would have a hard time screwing this job up.
Tom Cable- Bare Knuckle Boxer
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You know your coaching career isn't going very well when the most memorable thing you've done in that time is punch one of your assistant coaches in the face.
And that's exactly what most people remember about Tom Cable who allegedly punched Randy Hanson in August of 2009 leaving the assistant with a broken jaw and two cracked teeth.
Although the charges against Cable have been dropped if you've ever seen him meander around the Raiders sidelines he seems like the kind of guy who would lose his temper and do this kind of thing.
Otherwise, Cable's coaching career has been forgettable at best, putting together a record of 14-24 with the Raiders over three seasons.
While Al Davis hasn't let go of Cable just yet, it would be hard to see him sticking around much longer and he will invariably be fired by the Raiders at some point.
This would open Cable up to a whole new career of being a bare knuckle boxer where his talents for striking people in the face could be better utilized as it's clear that he's much more skilled at that than coaching an NFL team.
Jeff Fisher- High School Principal
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Jeff Fisher is one of the more well respected head coaches in the NFL and is probably the least concerned about his job security having held his position for the better part of the last 17 years.
But maybe he's a little bored and looking to shake things up a bit and he would definitely make a good principal.
Fisher is a great leader who isn't afraid to lay down the law when his guys aren't behaving properly (ask Vince Young about that) and while his way of doing things may not always please everyone, it seems like he has the best interest of his players in mind.
This kind of leadership is exactly the way a principal is supposed to act and when you add in the fact that Fisher seems like a pretty easy guy to talk to, he might be one of the rare principals that the student body actually likes.
Josh McDaniels- Blackjack Dealer
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At 34 years-old he's one of the youngest head coaches in the NFL and while he had some great success as the Patriots offensive coordinator a few years ago, his time as the Broncos head coach hasn't been quite as rewarding.
There's just something about McDaniels that rubs most people the wrong way. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is about him but he definitely has that horrifying mix of cockiness and sleaziness that allows McDaniels to get under people's skin.
Like that sleazy blackjack dealer, we're all rooting against McDaniels and hoping he busts but unlike in blackjack, where the house has the clear advantage, it's pretty obvious that McDaniels has no advantages at all.
His latest scandal which alleges that the Broncos videotaped the 49ers practice a few weeks ago only adds to McDaniels dis-likable nature and it might not be long before McDaniels is indeed looking for another job.
Vegas isn't all that far from Denver, so maybe Josh should get his resume ready and send it over to the Bellagio, I can already see him wearing one of those name tags and hitting on all of the cocktail waitresses.
Tony Sparano- Night Club Manager
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It's hard to miss Sparano when he's roaming the sidelines for the Miami Dolphins and the third year head coach has become famous for wearing his sunglasses at all times.
Other than his eye wear, Sparano hasn't done too much to distinguish himself but he did lead the Dolphins to the playoffs in his first season as the teams head coach.
More recently, things haven't been going as well for Sparano who missed the playoffs last year and will most likely be left out in the cold again this year.
So it might be a good idea for Tony to hit up a few of the night clubs on South Beach and see if any of them are looking for a manager.
He's your typical demanding and fairly intimidating character who would fit perfectly in a basement office somewhere watching what's going on in the club on an 11 inch black and white T.V. while he counts the money.
I'm not sure how much longer Tony has as an NFL head coach but at least he won't have to relocate his family when he becomes the manager of one of South Beach's hottest night spots.
Mike Singletary- Personal Trainer
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Mike Singletary is the personification of intensity.
Whether it's during a game or in his everyday life, Singletary is one of the most fiery people around and even his post-game press conferences make you want to get up and put your fist through the wall.
Things haven't been going very well for Samurai Mike or the San Francisco 49ers in 2010 but you can't deny that he would make one hell of a personal trainer.
Singletary is an old school guy who believes in hard work and discipline making him the kind of person that would push you to your limit in every training session.
After enjoying an extremely successful NFL career and spending plenty of time in the weight room there aren't too many people out there who would do better as a personal trainer.
I just wouldn't want to attend a session if I hadn't been keeping up with Singletary's nutritional plan.
Mike McCarthy- Plumber
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Mike McCarthy has had a reasonably successful five seasons with the Green Bay Packers leading them to the playoffs twice but he's probably most well known for being involved in the trade that sent Brett Favre to the Jets.
But putting that messy incident aside, McCarthy has done a solid job for the Packers and he seems like a blue collar guy who isn't afraid to do the dirty work when necessary.
Which is why McCarthy would make a great plumber if he ever found himself out of work and looking for a new job.
I could see McCarthy now showing up to your door with a bag of tools and a pair of ill-fitting jeans that expose just a little more than anyone wants to see. Like most plumbers he seems like a nice enough guy but one that you're happy to see leave once he gets the job done.
Fortunately for Mike things are going pretty well for him with the Packers right now so he shouldn't have to think about this career change for a while.