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All the information is still real sketchy and not made public just yet. But I read a report earlier today that the International Olympic Committee and the drug firm testing the athletes during ...

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps Tests Positive For Banned Substance DDP (Satire)

by Matthew Irby [HUMOR]

34

6,393 reads

Humor

August 25, 2008


All the information is still real sketchy and not made public just yet.

But I read a report earlier today that the International Olympic Committee and the drug firm testing the athletes during the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games has received a test result from Michael Phelps that tests positive for DDP.

The President of the IOC Jacques Rogge has prided himself on the fact that he believes that they are doing everything they possible can in attempt to catch cheating athletes.

The little bit of information that is being released is that after one of Michael Phelps gold medal, world record races he was taken next for a drug test.

The initial test came up negative, no problems, and Phelps went on the receive his medal and prepare for his next swims.

The IOC and its drug testing firm have been keeping the athletes urine samples frozen so that more and newer tests can be done on them at a later date, in attempts to catch athletes that have taken masked drugs.

Phelps' urine was frozen and sent to another facility and that is where is Sample A received a positive test.

Phelps can not be stripped on any medals unless the urine tests positive in a more detailed Sample B test.

The results from that test will likely take two weeks to come back.

Normally, only athletes and team officials are notified of positive Sample A results and nothing is made official until the results of Sample B. But given the popularity of Michael Phelps, the IOC felt it necessary to act now.

The IOC stated that they want to clean up an event of this magnitutde on the Olympic stage, American stage, and swimming stage, as quickly as possible.

The IOC will strip Phelps of all eight gold medals, which also include the medals won by his teammates in the relay races. The other athletes, whose medal will be improved or who will receive medals, will be notified in due time.

Phelps, his coaches, and his teammates have been notified of the positive test of DDP. Information is that they will either hold their own news conference or make a public statement following any news conference by the IOC, which is tentatively schedule for tomorrow evening.

Because of the rarity of the steroid, no drug test initially discovered it in Phelps' urine, but as stated before, the sample was frozen, taken to another facility, and that is where it found to have tested positive.

Ironically for the United States, the drug firm used by the IOC is the same firm used during the 1999 Tour de France, when American Lance Armstrong was accused of taking EPO.

The drug that Phelps has allegedly tested positive for is a rarely used and/or seen steroid, DDP. DDP stands for Delphinus delphis ponticus.

DDP builds endurance in an athlete by increasing the production of oxygen-rich red blood cells. Similar to its sister drug EPO, DDP has been modified so that it targets specific areas of endurance and recovery for swimmers.

Given the advantage of taking the illegal steroid, a swimmer could performer better during races and then recover quicker if another race was soon to come. Sadly, this is exactly what Phelps was doing during the Olympics and what many experts said he couldn't do, and be unable to win all eight gold medals.

In a sense, the drug could make Phelps perform similar to a dolphin, swimming faster for longer periods of time, and needing less recovery time.

And since the other meaning for the phrase DDP (Delphinus delphis ponticus) is the medical name for a dolphin, this only proves that Michael Phelps is a dolphin and that is how he was able to win eight Olympic gold medals, break seven world records, and become one of the greatest Olympic athletes, or dolphins, of all-time.

Thanks for reading, don't take this seriously.

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34 comments Last one added 10 months ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Adam Lindemer 10 months ago

    I knew it!! A normal human being can't possibly swim that fast. Good stuff!!

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  2. Christian Russell 10 months ago

    haaha you got rachel just like you thought you would. i played along with it the whole time. nicely done

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Great news, knew I could get her. Your man Jon got it this morning at work and before he read the entire article he sent me a text message asking if it was real or not. He said that he was checking CNN and ESPN and could not find anything. So I texted back for him to read the whole article. He wrote back a naughty word.

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  3. Dee Karl 10 months ago

    And the dolphins are pissed!

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Yeah I do believe that the dolphins are filing there own protest. And they are going to use the dolphins from the Simpsons episode that take over Springfield.

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  4. Nikki Hecht 10 months ago

    Lmao I was like WHAT?!?!?! Then I read further and was laughing so hard I nearly wet my pants!! This was great!

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Thanks Nikki, I know that is was a little cruel, but I had this idea about a week ago and just need to write and re-write the best way to get it done.

      Glad you enjoyed it.

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  5. Kenneth Julian III 10 months ago

    That was a great article.. I am fan of the use of the scientific name of dolphins as word play... very creative.. this really is good stuff. It came out well.

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Thanks man, I was trying to find a medical name for a drug/steroid that was given to recovering dolphins, but was unable to do so. When I saw that the scientific name was three words, then I jumped on the DDP.

      Thanks for the read.

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  6. Thomas 10 months ago

    I loved this man. Great job. At first, I thought it was true, but I kept reading. LOL, 5 starz and my POTD.

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Thanks man, it took me a little while to put it together, but I was hoping to get that exact reaction out of people and it looks like I did.

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  7. BigReg 10 months ago

    Well done!!! This was written extremely well with a great twist. (Scary until the very end!!) You get my pick of the day.

    I imagine that you sent a shock wave thru the bleacher creatures and if anyone didn't read the whole thing they will be making an a$$ of themselves to all their friends.

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      That was the intent. Thanks for the POTD.

      I sent this through e-mail to tons of my friends and its been a hoot getting back their responses.

      Never thought about people reading just the title and then rushing to tell people, that would be funny.

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  8. Tanya Mercado 10 months ago

    Oh my God! I almost died when I read this. I kept thinking "There is no way this true. It can't be." Geez! A heart attack until the end.

    Great read though! Definitely my POTD!

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Sorry if I nearly gave you a heart attack, but it was necessary for the illusion.

      Glad you enjoyed the article, thanks for the POTD.

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  9. Matt Ellenberger 10 months ago

    Wow, that was really good. You had be for a while, I had to re- read like three times. My POTD. And it almost gave me a heart attack as well.

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Thanks man for the read and the POTD.

      Sorry about the near heart attack, I've been getting e-mails from the friends I sent it to that they were in tears and nearly died when they saw the headline.

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  10. Ron Samuels 10 months ago

    Lest we forget, although Michael Phelps didn't break world records in all eight of his gold medal swims, his 50.58 second 100m butterfly was an Olympic record, making it eight straight of those.

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Thanks for the read. I did remember that, but didn't put it in because having seven world records and then another Olympic record I thought made the sentence ramble on a little bit.

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  11. Nathan Blunck 10 months ago

    good article. 5 stars.

    you'd enjoy this too though.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/news/michael_phelps_returns_to_his_tank

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      VERY NICE!

      That is great news, because we were trying to decide where to go next summer and Orlando to see Michael Phelps would be a great idea.

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  12. Breaking Wind 10 months ago

    Nice article and a bit of fun, sure. But you've got to admit, with so many athletes in every sport boosting their chances with PEDs, justifiable suspicion hangs over virtually everyone taking part. And it just won't go away...! None more so than MP...!!!

    But the trouble is, even if they DID find MP guilty of taking, there's no way they'd EVER let it get out...! He's got such massive backing...!! There's simply too much at stake for all kinds of Mega-Global corporations and political interests...!!! Hey...! - think about it - the guy's home free...! Even if anyone really did have evidence of wrongdoing by MP, no one - and I mean NO-ONE...!!! - would ever dare blow the whistle on him...!!! It would sure be the last thing they ever did - and their neat demise would be covered up expertly by the best in the business...!!!

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    • Nathan Blunck 10 months ago

      dude, michael phelps volunteered for a program where he is tested more often than the IOC requires. i think he can be tested a couple times a week, but i'm not sure. phelps is clean.

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Nathan I'm a believer with you that Phelps is clean. He and his coach were smart to do exactly that, so to dispense of any rumors or real possibly that he could be dirty.

      But to think about the possibly that he could have used something, it would be devastating. To America, to swimming, and financially.

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  13. Matthew Irby 10 months ago

    That sounds like the beginning of a good Ridley Scott movie, The Phelps Whistle Blower.

    Never thought about the whole thing that way, good insight.

    Thanks again for the read.

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    • Breaking Wind 10 months ago

      And, now you mention it, Matthew, a title for that "Phelps Whistle Blower"...? I reckon - "PHELP...!"

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    • Matthew Irby 10 months ago

      Very nice...that would be good.

      Started to think that if he was found positive than how would it be different then from Lance Armstrong, but it really would be different. Phelps is getting tons more pub than Lance.

      This would be like the NBA finding out that Jordan was taking steroids, or Tiger to the PGA. He is now that big.

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  14. Lucy Babb 10 months ago

    Lord I prayed for Phelps when I heared he won over and over again that he be clean, it is disappointing to hear that he tested postive for DDP. Dont these athelets think that their sample wouldnt come back postive.

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  15. James Ozermann 10 months ago

    I was told about this, this morning. It was apparently picked up by a radio station where I am and taken as fact. I had to read it for myself this afternoon only to discover that it was in fact a satirical article. What a mix-up!

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  1. Dorothy Willis 10 months ago

    Tantalizing! *****

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