It’s that time of year again that all fans cherish! When we can belch, drink stuff that might power a locomotive, and scream at bad calls from umpires while making pathetic excuses for why our team finished 23 games out
Woe is us, the Seattle Sports fan. We have very little to live for when it comes to our teams. The Sonics are gone, the Mariners suck bad, the Huskies are two years removed from oh and twelve, the cross-state WSU Cougars are writing a new definition for "horrible," and the MLS Sounders appear to be the only playoffs this city will see in half a decade. I can't even remember what a bowl game looks like!
But there are plenty others out there in other cities who suffer with us, and nothing rubs salt in our wounds like watching the team with twice the money excel in the post season.
We're fed up. We're angry. But let me explain why.
Ten reasons why I would rather sit through six hours with a life insurance salesman than endure one more at-bat watching the New York Yankees!
How long has this nimrod been pitching for the Yankees anyway?
The main problem I have with Mariano Rivera, other than the fact that nobody can hit the guy, is that it’s un-American to not sign with another team for at least half of your career! This is how capitalism is supposed to work!
As a young man you are supposed to establish yourself with hard work and many hours of training in warehouses. Then later in the spring, most superstars have a “breakthrough moment” where they do something miraculous and astound the masses. Soon thereafter your rookie contract is played out and another rival team makes you an offer you cannot refuse.
You being the highly ethical guy you claim to be, you tell the fans you’re happy where you are, and then you promptly jilt the devoted. You make empty excuses like “well they didn’t respect me” and “I was insulted by their offer” but nobody believes you.
This is how it’s supposed to work, Mariano. This is what all good athletes do. This is what we fans expect from our stars.
Not so with Riviera. This guy has been pitching for the Yankees ever since my grandfather was a small child. He’s like those spooky people on NBC’s “The Event” that never age.
I am not making this up. I looked up the roster of the 1929 Yankees and you know who the closer was? That’s right. Mariano Rivera. Same guy.
Quit already Riv, would ya?!?
Hating Alex Rodriguez is like hating cancer or rabid postulates growing randomly on your body. You don’t need a reason to hate despicable things. You just do.
As a very young player this Yankee superstar was adored by young Seattle Mariner fans. He was on the bench when Junior scored in “the game” against the Yankees in 1995.
But then he got older and became a starter, then eventually a big stud with a huge batting average, and then arrogant (not necessarily in that order).
There was, however, a small problem with Alex Rodriguez when he played in Seattle. Every single time he came to bat during a big game that we simply could not lose, he choked like strangled chicken. And not just little choke, but BIG HUGE choke with us down by a run in bottom of the ninth one game out of first.
This is what I remember about Alex when he did NOT play for the Yankees. His last September in Seattle, every time Alex came up to bat against the Yankess he struck out with men in scoring position. One game at Safeco against the Yankees, I remember this vividly. Alex came up and struck out seven times in four at-bats. I’ve never forgiven him for this. On the other hand, he had an amazingly high batting average and a ton of solo shots during 10-0 routs where nothing mattered!
Little kids enjoy chucking beer bottles at him. I too, enjoy chucking beer bottles at Alex Rodriguez. In fact I’m chucking beer bottles at him right now as I write this.
Ok I realize the guy is gone and perhaps I may be lightning-bolted for scoffing at his image, but they built that statue for him at Yankee Stadium this last summer. I hate that.
See in Seattle, we don’t like statues unless they’re Marxist statues of Vladimir Lenin. If the statue is of Lenin, then we LOVE statues! We have them mounted in the Fremont district where lovers of that ideology can ponder wistfully the good old days of communism. But if the statue is not of Lenin, we see that as worshipping false gods.
Steinbrenner was everything communism was not, so for that reason alone we always hated the guy. Plus Lou Pinella (a moment of silence please for the Pinella years) didn’t care much for good old George either. We like Lou. We don't like George.
Actually Steinbrenner did provide some humor once in these parts. A long time ago in a stadium long since imploded, during the “glory month of October” (we don’t have “glory years" here in Seattle. We have "glory weeks") during the 1995 ALCS there was a hand-painted banner that said “Beavis and Steinbrenner.” Giggle. We liked that.
But we hated Steinbrenner, and it’s because he was a big bully who pushed people around. The opposite of what people in Seattle are like. We much prefer ballet and men in tights with embarrassing bulges in inappropriate places. We adore sensitivity and little pink unicorns skipping through the forest with butterflies. Those types of things.
Johnny Damon was the original pirate. He had the pirate “look” thing going long before Jack Sparrow ripped it off.
Kids thought Damon was cool. Parents thought Damon was cool. Shoot, even Grandparents thought Damon was cool.
Then he signed with the New York Yankees and like all things they touch, they ruined him. He became boring and lost his sparkle. Shorn were the locks, replaced by a boring lawyer look with lots of shaving. He could have been teaching first grade Sunday School at very conservative churches when he played for the Yankees.
This ticks me off because the guy was a rock star wearing a baseball uniform in his early years. If Keith Richards played baseball, this was how Keith Richards would have looked! But now look at the poor pathetic fool! He hasn’t played for the Yankees since last season, but he still dons that dopey corporate IBM image thing. Another forgettable ex-Yankee who could be running any hedge fund business or corporate scandal.
Don’t blame Damon. Blame the stupid Yankees for forcing this on him! Blame their ridiculous policy on the military look for all formerly badass ball players.
The New York Yankees force the corporate image on their ball players because they ARE the corporate image.
The Yankees are what all of us hate about baseball in the 21st century. They are a billion dollar cable TV contract playing games in a billion dollar television studio. And that’s all they are. It’s not about fun anymore, it’s about making money.
Do you think the Yankees would have ever tolerated a Al Kaline or Ty Cobb? Not a chance for these stiffards!
Look, I suppose I’ll have to tolerate the Yankees signing players for three times what anyone else can pay again this off season, but do you have to root out the personality while you’re at it?!? This isn’t 1953 for crying out loud! This is baseball in the modern era!
Which reminds me of what else I hate about the Yankees...
After decades of being humiliated by the Yankees, the rest of the league got even by building new retro parks with restaurants, kiddie amusement parks and lots of bathrooms. We were all feeling great about this because we could finally compete with the dollars of the Yankees and sign our own pack of free agents. And since New York owned one of three famous historic baseball stadiums this country could not live with out, we all knew you were stuck. Surely you would never dishonor the baseball gods by tearing down this historic icon.
Unfortunately New York tore down this historic icon.
Then you built yourselves a new cooler stadium than any of us have that earns the Yankees more than our stadiums earn us. And what’s worse, you charge half the price of a new house to sit in the seats behind home plate, which means the only ones that can afford those seats are Wall Street jerks.
Now every time the TV camera shows a close-up of a hitter, we fans across the nation have to endure smug Wall Street jerks in very wide leather seats eating lobster and drinking 100-year-old scotch.
Look New York, if you have to put these dullards somewhere close to the field, why not hide them behind mirrored bulletproof glass that doesn’t show on TV? Sell advertisements on those mirrored panels. I’d much rather look at two side-by-side bathtubs of naked retirees than these smug pinhead bankers behind home plate!
Hey here’s an idea: Since the seats are usually empty anyways, why not fill them with Playboy super models in skimpy outfits? This I could support. But I do not want to see middle-aged overweight guys in three piece leisure suits with flapping gowels and hot towels, every time they show Derek Jeter from the right side!
How on earth could anyone from Seattle hate the Yankees after that wonderful blissful series in 1995 that saved baseball for Seattle and still has us all skipping merrily because for once we beat the crap out of you money-grubbing scumbags?!?
There’s still buildings here in Seattle with painted scenes from that one game. Remember? At the Kingdome? Mariners, best-of-five, Game 5. We lost the first two games in New York, then they came back to Seattle and after trailing in all three games the Mariners came in all three games to win walk-offs? Game 5, Randy Johnson came in as a reliever and shut down the Yankees for several innings. Then he gave up a run. We all cried and weeped and were near suicidal. But then in bottom of the same inning beloved Seattle hero Edgar Martinez hit the double down the right field line, Junior scored! Tears me up just thinking about it.
Well here’s the problem: 15 years later that one game is STILL the greatest moment in Seattle Mariners history. And this after winning 116 games in 2001. It just goes to show how absolutely pathetic Seattle Mariner history is.
Dogs have been born, trained, fetched, and died in that much time.
Yes we beat the hated Yankees and we’re all still happy about that. But it was 15 years ago for gawds sake, and we need to be making new memories already.
I blame the Yankees.
See this is what I really hate about the Yankees.
Seattle’s Tino Martinez lit up the Yankees during that very same series of 1995. So what happened three months later? The Mariners traded him to New York for a couple of lawn chairs and a half empty bottle of Corona.
Anyone outside of New York knows what I’m talking about here, right? If your guy does well against their guys, they’ll sign your guy in the off season or force your team to trade your player to them for nothing.
Our teams have a total payroll of several thousand dollars. Our guys drive used Volkwagon busses. Meanwhile the hated Yankees build aircraft carriers for fun. This is not fair.
And it happens every single time with any opposition player that shuts them down. They do good, and the Yankees steal that player by offering hookers and huge contracts and tv stardom.
Well except for one guy. Ken Griffey Jr. Remember him? Junior absolutely hated the Yankees and God bless him for that! Because years ago a very young Junior got tossed from the Yankee clubhouse during a Cincinnati Reds visit. For that, Junior usually hit dozens of home runs against them to teach them a lesson. He tormented the Yankees in the outfield too. Leapt up and stole a couple of clear homers from them, once in New York. We liked that.
What we don’t like is how the Yankees have signed all our good guys. Like Luis Soho, Jeff Nelson, Tino, Randy Johnson, and this other short stop we used to have.
This has been going on for decades too. Remember when the Sonics were trying to sign Bob McAdoo in 1973? Nope, He went to New York. The Yankees signed him. And he was a basketball player. This is how bad it’s gotten.
You get my point right? Somebody does good against these jokers and the next thing we know, the hated and detested Yankees have signed him. They have all the cash. We don't. What’s not to hate?
Yes I know I already mentioned Alex but I’m telling you, we really don’t like this guy.
Alex guy gave Seattle this big huge con job by saying how much he loved the Mariners and how he would never leave because “he wasn’t about the money.”
Well guess what? He was about the money.
He convinced the Mariners to wait until after the season to negotiate his new contract by claiming he loved the team and the players. Hall of Famers like Edgar Martinez meant so very much to him. What a wonderful moment.
The Mariners didn’t trade him like they should have because of all this. And the Mariner ended up getting nothing because of it, when he signed with Texas and bankrupted that team. Now he’s on your team.
After he had left, Alex popped off about how he never liked Seattle much and wrote a nasty letter trying to convince Boeing employees in Seattle to move to y’allsville with him. That’s fine Alex. But you can’t mouth off about Boeing and expect anyone in Seattle to ever like you again.
Oh and there was that other thing about divorcing his wife and going for Madonna.
Actually we didn’t get too excited about that rumor here in Seattle, because when you think of it, hanging out with Madonna is punishment enough. In fact I would wager that any Al Qaeda operative ensconced by authorities would gladly spill his guts if the alternative was a few hours in an eight-by-10 cell with Madonna.
This has nothing to do with the argument other than I need something to prop me up because I’m an emotional wreck after writing this.
Think about it. The US Open in 2015, we can play it whenever we want, and no six-hour rounds here you suckers!
Twenty bucks gets you a pretty nice golf course on the weekend, and there’s 150 public courses within an hour’s drive of me. Except for this one, which is about $185
Plus our tap water is not flammable like it is in New York!
Ok I’ll admit it. The real reason I can’t stand the Yankees is because every year you’re in the playoffs and we are not. The same reason all of you hate Microsoft and Real Networks.
The Yankees have been in the World Series several hundred times while the Seattle Mariners just rolled out their second 100-loss season in three years. And we have lots of other 100-loss seasons before that to brag about.
In Seattle, we hang banners for every year we’ve won our division or done anything remotely impressive, and there’s only three other teams in our division. We have five banners hanging at Safeco Field, and we awarded ourselves two banners for the same year. Twice.
You wonder why Seattle folks are such huge fans of Lenin? Because communism preaches equality and...well do I really have to explain this for you?!?