I Am the George Steinbrenner Plaque (Satire)

I am the George Steinbrenner Plaque.

I am 760 pounds of solid bronze living in my new digs in Monument Park.  I’m seven feet wide, wider than CC Sabathia is tall. And I’m five feet tall, taller than CC Sabathia is wide.

I dwarf all these other plaques around me of famous Yankees.  Because I am the Boss.  People walk by and look my way and say, “God, look at the size of that plaque.”  It’s 35 square feet of STEINBRENNER! 

When I say I am bronze, I mean it.  I’m the color all these young muscle builders at the beach yearn to be. 

Hey you, Joe DiMaggio plaque!  How do you like ME now that I’m next door to you?  Are you able to get a Mr. Coffee out here, Mr. Joe DiMaggio plaque?  Does the ghost of Marilyn Monroe float by and say, “That’s my Joe’s plaque?"

Hey you, Babe Ruth plaque!  Mr. Bambino, I’m in your house now.  Aren’t you going to look my way?  What’s the matter, Babe? You think I don’t belong here with all the Yankee greats because I didn't play ball?  I BUILT this new stadium; I mean GEORGE STEINBRENNER built this stadium.  I’m his plaque.  I belong. 

Hey kid, I see you looking at the Mickey Mantle plaque.  Why don’t you come over here and look at me?  Am I too big for you?  Yeah, get your Dad, have him come over here.  Read ME!  

Why does your Dad say my coat looks crumpled?  That’s the way they do a plaque, kid.  If my coat were smooth, it wouldn’t be interesting. 

Ask your Dad who was responsible for building this new stadium.  See that little girl over there?  She’s cute, huh?  Maybe she’ll come look at me…hang around, kid. 

The sun is just starting to shine in my direction.  Patina, kid!!!  Look at the richness of my bronze.  Check out the depth of me. That, kid, is what you call your bas-relief.  No, wait a minute, it’s actually your high relief.  Boss gets the HIGH relief.    Not all cast bronze plaques get this much relief.  Only the important ones.

I got so much relief I’m almost a statue. Pigeons have tried to land on my shoulder. Pigeons!   And check out my border; that’s one inch thick, kid.  Go ahead, you can touch it. You can’t hurt me, because I’m made of BRONZE.  Big Bronze in the Bronx. He’s the Bronx Bomber. I’m the Bronze Bomber. Get it, kid?

Hey, Mickey's Plaque, did you see the kid checking me out?  He’s looking at you and you weigh 120 pounds!  I weigh 760 pounds.  Do you hear that, Mickey’s plaque?  You weigh less than Pee Wee Reese.  You weigh less than Wee Willie Keeler.  You guys are all shrimp plaques.  You were good ball players, but your plaques are shrimps.

Hey kid. Be sure to tell your friends to take a tour. Tell them, if they want to see the most gigantous, beautiful plaque in the world, come out here.  Thanks, kid.