After a busy summer, full of trades that have constructed an almost brand new team, Timberwolves fans are eager to see what kind of beast it is that David Kahn is in the process of creating. He says he has a plan, he’s justified every move he’s made without giving away too much of what he has in store. He has said explicitly that this team can’t win the Championship, which took us all by surprise. So what does the next season have in store for the Timberwolves? I am certainly no psychic, so I am presenting five possibilities, some more unlikely than others, all injected with a bit of British humour that I hope you’ll appreciate. I’m not exactly Ricky Gervais, but fingers crossed some of it translates.
Without the converging influence of Al Jefferson in the paint, and with so many youngsters in the team, the Timberwolves crumble. They manage to lose all their games, setting a new NBA record, which they are keen to brag about. The Target Center attendances peak at four, including Crunch. As a remedy, the team are replaced with the Lynx, who show a marked improvement. Following increasing criticism from ESPN, David Kahn is found in the locker room sharing some home-grown with Michael Beasley. Wesley Johnson and Jonny Flynn call up Syracuse and ask if they can come back and play college ball. When interviewed by the media about playing for the Timberwolves, Ricky Rubio pretends not to speak English, before fleeing the scene.
Despite being one of the worst performing teams in the league, the draft lottery gives them the eighth pick, awarding Miami Heat the first pick, despite the exceptionally long odds. The Timberwolves decide to draft eight power forwards. Unperturbed by the lack of forward momentum, David Kahn writes an open letter to the Wolves fans on the roof of the Mall of the America, saying that this is all part of his master plan. Rubio says he will comes to the Timberwolves “one day, in the future."
Exceeding the lowly media predictions, the Timberwolves actually begin to play some fluid basketball and double their winning margin. While the bigger boys jostle for the top spots, the Wolves focus on the fundamentals and put some winning streaks together, surprising Minnesota. There are a few games, against Miami and LA (Lakers, not the Clippers) where the thousands of fans inside the Target Center can be heard around all around downtown Minneapolis. Wins over the Jazz, where Darko Milicic outplays Al Jefferson, prove that Sex World isn’t the only place in Minnesota where you can get a cheap thrill. Rubio is rumored to be seen on a property buying website, eying up apartments in the Twin Cities.
“I told you I had a plan” shouts Kahn from atop the Target Center, as the Timberwolves lose just 32 games in the season. Unfortunately they go out in the second round of the Championship playoffs, but the world takes note. Beasley is the star performer for the team, although Wesley Johnson puts in a stellar performance for a rookie. Free agent Carmelo Anthony agrees to train with the Timberwolves, while he decides who to sign for. Kevin Love wins the second best Kevin in the League award, finishing behind MVP Kevin Durant but ahead of Kevin Garnett, who feels the strain of old age this season. When interviewed by the Spanish media about joining the Timberwolves, he bemuses them by replying “Yuh betcha!”
Going into the final match 3-3 against the Heat, Corey Brewer shoots an ambitious half-court shot with the Timberwolves trailing by two in overtime, and just seconds left on the clock. It rattles around the rim, the crowd gasp, and the inhalation of air pushes the ball into the net. Minnesota hasn't seen so many young men with bling since Soulja Boy and his entourage played here. David Kahn releases his memoir “Getting the Point," and it is the best seller on Amazon, as Presidential rumors sprout.
ESPN admit they made a mistake (okay maybe not), but do say that, given his form, maybe the Detroit Pistons were visionaries in drafting Darko Milicic ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade. Rubio, who attends the final game runs onto the court at the end, telling reporters while pointing at Love “I can’t wait to live in Minnesota and get as pale as this guy."