“Hello, you’ve reached the automated voice system for the Alachua County Sheriff's Department. If you are calling to file a complaint about loitering and intrusive behavior by members of the media covering the canceled Koran burning, press 1. For all others requests or questions, please press 2.
“Hi, this is Cheryl, how can I help you?”
“I’d like to file a missing persons report”
“Alright, how long has the individual been missing?”
“Well, lets see... I’ve only been aware of the disappearance for a week now.. since last Saturday. I had first thought maybe there was some sort of of miscommunication or something, but now, well, today I’m pretty positive there is something SERIOUSLY wrong.”
“ When and where was the last time you did have any contact?”
“January 1, 2010”
“Listen, I know this sounds weird, but I'm getting REALLY nervous...”
“Just stay calm, I just need to ask you some questions about this persons identity. First off, can you tell me what sort of relationship you have with this person?”
“I’d like to say I was in love once....”
“Alright, well, can you describe his appearance?”
“I think I’m starting to forget. I have these foggy memories of this confidant, unstoppable force.. intimidating, aggressive, dominating..”
“Do I need to patch you through to the Domestic Violence hotline?”
“... I was dependant, I know. Maybe I didn’t give enough of myself. Maybe its me? “
“We are off track ma’am. I need to know WHY you think this person has gone missing”
“I’M SO LOST... I don’t know where I am... I’m in a gutter clutching onto cornhole bags practicing my snaps... in case Urban needs me to come in for Pouncey... Are the USF bulls in the SEC? They must be... orrrrange.. BLUE... orrrange.. bluuu.... [heavy sobs]..”
“NOW I understand. First off, ma’am, don’t panic. We are already aware of this situation. Let me connect you to the department in charge of handling post-tebow gator football complaints. Rest assured, our men are trying to track down the REAL Florida Gators. We have a few leads, and believe the team might actually be now living in a back alley in Mobile, Alabama, in a near drug induced coma, sharing a cardboard box with Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy. These are still uncorroborated stories.. but we are hoping to locate them and have them back before today's game is out. “
“What should I do until you find them?”
“Pray. Keep drinking. And ignore any and all phone calls or texts from friends who went to FSU, UM, or USF. Just stay calm, and don’t attempt any quick movements, such as selling your LSU tickets or moving to Denver..... [loud shouts and cheers heard in background]... Hold on...I think, I think . YES.. it seems like the Gators have been located"
"Where were they?"
"Apparently they were caught in a alternate universe. Jeff Demps had to break the time/ space barrier to find them.
"So does this mean I can claim UF as the best football team in the state again?"
"You always could ma'am.. you always could."