In Tebow's Shadow: John Brantley Checks His Voicemail
“Hey John. I’m a sports columnist from the Orlando Sentinel, and I was just calling to find out how it feels to be in the shadow of The Tim Tebow and the pressures that it’s placing on you and ..” [delete]
“John, it’s Mark from the Gainesville Sun. I just wanted to clarify your statement about how you are not overly concerned about filling the shoes of Tim Tebow. By that, you really meant to say, you wake up every morning in a cold sweat, completely paralyzed with fear in an awareness of an eternal inferiority you will never be able to transcend....” [delete]
“Mr. Brantley, I’m from the St. Pete Times, and I was wondering...when I say the name ‘Tim Tebow’..” [delete]
“Tim! I mean, John..” [delete]
“Hey John, it’s Steve from Gatormania, just wanting to let you know we are working on that order of a half-dozen #12 gator jerseys your ordered for your family. Mild problem came up. Seems like the number 2 decal has been discontinued by our supplier, who apparently is only providing us with ‘1’s and ‘5’s, but no need to worry. Figure we can just glue the 5 on backwards, and we are good to go....” [delete]
“Hey man! It’s Timmy! Just wanted to say good luck this week, I’ll be praying for ya...[shots ring out, loud screams]....hold on bro, one sec. I’m in Mogadishu right now in the middle of a Somali gun fight, just hold on a moment .. [the shooting stops and Tim’s voice can be heard saying, in Somalian “To everyone in the Somali nation, I promise you one thing. You will never see any player in the entire country...” cheers erupt ] Hey, sorry bro. Just got caught up inspiring the militias to put down their weapons and declare peace. You know how it is. Anyways, give Urban a hug for ...” [delete]
“This is an automated message from the University of Florida letting you know that you have a hold on your record due to your failure to update your emergency contact information, which provides us with the names and addresses of your parents or guardians. Until you clear your hold, you will be unable to register for classes or attend any sporting events. It is imperative..” [delete]
“Hey John, Steve again. Still working on that order. Another minor hiccup. Seems like our Gator jersey supplier has discontinued production of Gator jerseys all together, and is now only providing us with Denver Broncos apparel... but we’ve got you totally covered. They are still orange and blue, and my daughter is really good with puffy paints and ...” [delete]
“Johnny boy! It’s Coach Bowden. Just want to wish you luck down there in Gainesville. I’m a little sad that I’ll never get to coach against you, dadgummit. But if you ever, and I mean ever, feel like you are being ostracized, rejected and disrespected by the team you’ve invested your whole career into, call me, and I will hook you up with a GREAT publisher....” [save]
“This is the University of Florida’s Transportation and Parking Department calling to let you know that the spaces previously reserved for student athletes adjacent to the stadium will be unavailable for parking due to the construction of the Tim Tebow Honorary Statue which will be located along the north endzone...”[delete]
“Hey John, it’s Mack Brown from Texas. Just calling to see if you are really sure about that whole ‘choosing Florida over Texas” thing...” [save]
“John. Steve. Yea, we’re going to have to cancel that order. While we were peeling the T.E.B.O.W. off the back of jerseys our store suddenly became infested with locusts and then was struck by lightning...twice. Our insurance definitely doesn’t cover the locust thing. Sooooo, our attorney will be contacting you...” [delete]
END OF MESSAGES.
*** John Brantley’s father, John Brantley III, was also a quarterback for the Gators in the late 70s until,while on the sideline, he slipped on the plastic lid from a Coke cup that was laying on the field, ripping his hamstring, ending his career as a quarterback, and quashing his dreams of one day being the face of Coca-cola. Florida is now a Pepsi school.
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