Troy Polamalu Retires in Order to Pursue a Singing Career (Satire)

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Troy Polamalu Retires in Order to Pursue a Singing Career (Satire)
Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

This morning, All-Pro Steelers safety Troy Polamalu shocked the world by announcing he would cut his celebrated NFL Career short in order to pursue a singing career.

When asked what motivated his early retirement, he responded:

"Well, you see, everyone compares me to MJ [Michael Jackson, a renowned singer/songwriter who died in June of 2009], saying that I talk like him and everything. So a couple days ago I thought, 'Hey, if I talk like MJ, then that means I can sing like him, right?'

So I drove to downtown Pittsburgh, found the nearest karaoke bar, and sang along to a medley of Thriller, Beat it, and Black or White."

After those events, he was noticed by an agent for the Epic Records, the same label that signed Michael Jackson. The agent claimed "I've seen many Michael Jackson tribute singers, but none of them were nearly as spot-on as Troy was. It's absolutely incredible."

Epic Records then signed Polamalu to a four-year, $35,214,569 recording contract. This contract is worth exactly one dollar more than his old NFL contract. His debut album, titled The Freed Safety, is set to be released mid-December.

The question is- has the world had enough MJ? Or will they eat it up?

And will Polamalu regret his decision?

How will the Steelers community react?

Only time will tell.


©2010 by Dmitri Duggan. Do not re-post without giving distinctive credit to Dmitri Duggan.


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