One On One with the Truth and the Black Mamba (Humor)

Kobe Bryant: What are you smoking that you suddenly think you’re better than me? Without KG and Ray backing you up, we all saw ‘the Truth’ two seasons ago when you leprechauns had the worst record in the league.

Paul Pierce: Typical Kobe arrogance. You were handed your first three championships and you didn’t even know it. Look what happened after Shaq left for Miami—a couple of first-round exits for you and ring number four for him.

Kobe: Shaq fled to the weaker Eastern Conference, doughboy, and I was stuck in a loaded Western Conference where even 50 wins got you the eighth seed—that's how competitive it’s been. What’s your excuse for being the armpit of the East all those years?

Pierce: Stop making excuses. You had Shaq, the Mailman, GP, Gasol, and Bynum. Then you had Lamar, Fisher, Horry and other solid role players, and Phil Jackson as coach. Who did I have? Antoine “Never met a shot I didn’t like” Walker? Ricky “fake triple double” Davis? Al Jefferson is good now, but he was a project for us the past few years.

Kobe: ‘The Truth’ is looking more and more like a joke, telling the world you’re better than me and with that fake-[expletive] injury in Game 1. Give me a break. You survived getting stabbed eight times in 2000, and you had to be carried off and put in a wheel chair over a little fall?

Pierce: The MRI showed I sprained my MCL and had a bone bruise. After the stabbing, I played a full 82 games that year, and I averaged 25 points per game. So why are all these faker fans saying I lied about the knee? Of course I’m coming back from something minor like tweaking my knee, with a championship on the line.

Kobe: No one’s going to buy that. You thought you would pull a Willis Reed, but you ended up making a fool out of yourself, as usual. Did you forget that Raef LaFrentz and Michael Olowokandi got drafted ahead of you, butterball?

Pierce: Don’t even go there. Why don’t you tell me again who gave you your nickname, ‘the Black Mamba?’ Oh that’s right: You gave it to yourself because no one had one for you. Shaq called me the [expletive] Truth, even as he was winning rings with you.

Kobe: Please. I call myself the Black Mamba because 'the Mamba can strike with 99 percent accuracy at maximum speed, in rapid succession. That’s the kind of basketball precision I want to have.' (Source: ESPN)

Pierce: [Laughs] You were a long way from being 99 percent accurate in the Finals, Black Mamba. You shot, what, 40 percent against us? Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you: Tell me how my [expletive] tastes.

Kobe: I’m still the best player in the world, porky. I have three championship rings and an MVP award to prove it. It took you 10 years just to make it to the Finals, and all you have is the Finals MVP. That means you were the best player in the series, not in the world, so get your head straight.

Pierce: Yeah, and Dirk was the regular season MVP last year, and he got tossed out of the first round. I’m sure he had a long summer to think about that one. And you’d rather have the regular season MVP award than a championship ring and the Finals MVP, right? You better hope USA wins gold in Beijing, or it’s going to be a long season next year.

Note: This conversation between Paul Pierce of the Boston Celtics and Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers did not actually take place. All content has been fabricated from the author's imagination and should not be taken as a serious report.