The New York Jets' Other Bitter Contract Dispute (Satire)

SATIRE—Bitter contract disputes may thwart this year’s NY Jets’ Super Bowl run.

The NY Jets announced today that another key member of its organization is seeking a lucrative long-term deal and has still not reported to the team’s training camp.

In addition to All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, the Jets’ Towel Boy (name withheld for fear of retribution from the teams' rabid fans) is holding out after just one good year in the locker room. Towel Boy is demanding his contract be renegotiated to include more guaranteed money, a better supply of ultra fabric softener, and the new commercial grade, super capacity Whirlpool Pro with tumble dry and special heated racks.

Towel Boy’s agents scoffed at what they considered to be the Jets’ recent paltry offer, citing last season’s deal signed by an Oakland Raiders’ locker room attendant (name also withheld because it’s impossible to pronounce, let alone spell).

Agents argue that the Jets’ star Towel Boy is far better at gathering, washing, rinsing, and folding than his left coast counterpart, and should be paid appropriately for his domestic dexterity and all-star skills.

Jets coach and prodigious perspirer Rex Ryan intervened, offering to have Towel Boy and his entourage sit down with Jets players and management to hammer out a new deal. Ryan ranted, “We need towels, and we need them now! It’s hot out there and our guys are really sweating.”

HBO’s “Hard Knocks” also reported that Towel Boy may be receiving misguided counsel from a cousin, a former star NFL equipment manager and graduate of the same Big East University in Western Pennsylvania.

Until Jets owner Woody Johnson resolves the Revis and Towel Boy drama, Jets players have been grudgingly bringing their own towels to practice.

NY Jets management will need to stop the spin cycle of the Revis and Towel Boy talks soon; otherwise, Gang Green’s chances of a 2011 Super Bowl title may be all washed up.

Straight talk. No Static.

MIKE – thee American made voice on sports!

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