Nets Agree To Trade Jay-Z To The Knicks (Satire)
ESPN's John Buchigross (No I don't care that it's spelt wrong) was first on the scene this afternoon reporting this shocking news story.
In the trade Knicks' GM Donnie Walsh agreed to send himself, Wilson Chandler, Danilo Gallinari, and newly signed and traded players David Lee, Reggie Miller, Michael Jordan, Joey Chestnut, Kevin Boss, and Trent Dilfer to New Jersey in return for Nets' part-owner Jay-Z and five Nathan's hot dogs.
When asked if he thought NBA Commissioner David Stern would let the trade happen, Walsh had this to say, "I'm Donnie f***in Walsh!" I'm not sure what exactly he means by that, but he seems pretty confident.
Walsh, however, did have more to say regarding the thinking behind the deal, "Adding Jay-Z to our roster increases our chances of inking LeBron James this summer by over four percent."
Sounds logical enough, but one might wonder how satisfied Walsh will be with the results of this trade when he's watching LeBron play from New Jersey.
On a side note, concerns have been swirling all day about whether or not NBA commissioner David Stern will let this trade pass through. Being that the trade breaks several NBA trading rules that have yet to be verified.
Commissioner Stern declined to comment, but he did send an interesting Tweet to his Twitter page earlier this morning: "AFTER HEARING ABOUT THE SIGN-AND-TRADE THAT WAS AGREED TO EARLIER THIS MORNING, I WAS RENDERED SPEECHLESS. DONNIE WALSH TRADING HIMSELF? NOW THAT'S COMMITMENT! WHILE THIS TRADE MAY BRAKE SEVERAL NBA RULES IT COULD BENEFIT THE LARGE MARKETED NEW YORK KNICKS, NOT LIKE THAT CHANGES ANYTHING. HOWEVER, IT DOES CHANGE EVERYTHING WHICH IS WHY I'VE COME UP WITH A PLAN THAT I WILL USE ON THIS TRADE CALLED THE 'BENEFIT THE NEW YORK KNICKS PLAN': IF KING JAMES SIGNS WITH THE KNICKS (IF HE DOESN'T HIS ASS IS AXED FROM THE NBA) THE TRADE STANDS, IF HE DOESN'T THE TRADE IS RESCINDED AND THE KNICKS ARE AWARDED THE RIGHTS TO JOHN WALL IN A NEW DRAFT LOTTERY (KIND OF LIKE WHAT I DID WITH EWING IN '85). AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING HOW I'VE EXCEEDED 140 CHARACTERS, IT'S BECAUSE I'M DAVID STERN, AND I DO WHATEVER THE F**K I WANT."
In a Tweet that caused even more buzz among NBA fans, Stern tweeted this later that afternoon, "good news guys, i found my caps lock key."
In my humble opinion this was not a great trade for the New York Knicks. While they have increased their chances at LeBron James for this summer, they have also broken up what could have been the best NBA tandem since Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.
That's right, I'm talking about Trent Dilfer and J.R Giddens.
Just watching these guys in practice together was like watching poetry in motion. God only knows what they could have done in a game.
In the end, Donnie Walsh made a gutsy move with this trade. For better or worse, he sacrificed himself for the well-being of the New York Knicks franchise and that is certainly admirable.
The Knicks have already begun shopping for a new GM, and Knicks' President James Dolan has gone on record and said that Allen Iverson is the early favorite.
When asked if him as Knicks GM would be a possibility, Iverson had this to say, "Possibility? Possibility? I mean listen, we sittin' here talkin' 'bout possibility, not the job when it really matters. Not a guarantee, not a guarantee. We talkin' 'bout possibility. Not the job that I go out there and die for, but possibility. How silly is that?"
I can see it now—Allen Iverson giving guidance to LeBron James:
"Winning Championships? Winning Championships? I'm the greatest player of all time and we're sittin' here talkin' 'bout winning championships? Winning Championships? Not the stat line that I put up every night, but winning championships? How silly is that?"
This trade brings up endless possibilities for the New York Knickerbockers, so much so that it makes your head spin.
In fact, I'm gonna go get some Tylenol, make up your own f***ing ending.
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