The Bandwagon Came Early This Year: Chicago Deep-Dish Style

Picture: Tears of joy ran down my face when I saw this

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Remember what it was like in the winter of 2004 and the spring on 2005, when you couldn’t go anywhere without seeing a god-damn Red Sox hat or shirt?

Remember when you went up and asked them to name five players on the 2004 Sox team not named Ortiz, Ramirez, Martinez, Damon, or Schilling, and they couldn’t even name one?

Well, the bandwagon’s back baby, and this time the train came early, courtesy of the north side of Chicago.

In the past, no matter how bad your team did during the season, you could tell yourself “Hey, at least the Cubs still haven’t won a World Series!”

In fact, I still revel in the misery felt by every Cubs fan after a playoff loss. I wish I knew Steve Bartman so I could thank him for making me so happy. If I saw anyone sporting Cubs gear, I could drunkenly belittle their team for as long as I wanted, and they could not rebut.

But now it’s getting hard to find an actual Cubbie fan to make fun of.

I went to the Dodger/Cubs series at Dodger Stadium a while back, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Usually Dodger Stadium is filled with unruly Mexicans who would literally kill people in the parking lot for wearing a Giants jersey. On this particular weekend, things were very very off:

A) The place was almost sold out. This occasion is usually reserved for when the Red Sox or the Yankees are in town (this is a general rule, no matter what stadium you’re in).

B) The usual gaggle of angry Latinos  was replaced by middle aged, white D-bags wearing collared shirts with cargo shorts and twenty-year-old frat boy douche-bags wearing the exact same thing.

C) They were all wearing Cubs hats. Hell, I even saw people wearing Cubs visors. Seriously bro, a visor?

The fact of the matter is the Cubs of 2008 are the Boston Red Sox of 2004. And the hard truth for lifelong Cubs fans is that you will now know what it feels like to be a Boston fan from pre-2004.

You’ll be at a sports bar hanging out with some friends and pounding a few brews. Out of the corner of your eye you’ll catch D-Lee hitting a dinger on the TV and start to casually clap/cheer. They you’ll hear an raucous echo and you’ll look around.

Every father, mother, son, and uncle in the joint will be wearing a big, fat, red “C” on their blue cap, and they’ll all be cheering. They might even proposition you with for a high-five that you’ll reluctantly accept because you have no clue what’s going on.

“Why are there other Cubs fans in (insert state not named Illinois)?”

Simple: Because they’re assholes.

And you, true Cubs fans, will be grouped together with those bandwagon bastards, and you can do nothing to stop it. You’ll tell people you’ve been a fan since birth, and you'll try to plead with them, but no one will listen. And this is how it’s been since the inception of competitive sports.

The problem I have is that they still haven’t won anything.

The Cubs have been good before, but the bandwagon has never come this quickly and this early, which is sort of unexplainable. That is, until you actually start thinking like a wishy-washing, flip-flopping fan.

They all saw what happened in Boston four years ago, and they tried to jump on the train, but it was already way over capacity. They all saw something special happening and wanted to be a part of the triumph over adversity (down 3-0) and over the 86-year-old curse of the Bambino.

But they couldn’t because their astute friends called them out on their bullshit by reminding them that just six month before, they were sporting a Yankees hat.

So they went and sulked in the corner and waited. Waited for a team who has been even MORE historically awful than the Red Sox, and an even cooler curse stopping them from winning it all (nothing is cooler than a gypsy-goat curse).

And they’re going to jump on the opportunity early and start sporting a Cubbies hat, maybe even get some photographic evidence, so they can remind their friends that they have been wearing one all year long.

How can you stop this from happening?

Well, friends of sports jerks unite. Be aware if your friend has bandwagon tendencies. If they liked the Bulls in the '80s and early '90s, and then started randomly liking the Lakers in 2000, then watch out.

They’ll probably be wearing a Cubs hat by the end of August. It is you solemn duty as a sports fans to remind your friends of their allegiances and ridicule them if they change due to championship seasons.

Don’t pull punches. Go after their mothers, wives, children, and especially their manhood. Do what it takes to teach them the lesson of team allegiance. Stand by your team in the thick AND the thin of things. That’s what real sports fans do.

And I just want to make this clear.

I am NOT making a Cubs World Series prediction. In fact, WHEN they lose in the NLDS or maybe the NLCS, I will be laughing. I will be laughing like I do every year, but this time will be a little different. I’ll laugh a little softer at the real Cubs fans out there, and I will laugh hysterically at all the bandwagon fans who will no doubt be making a beeline to buy a Tampa Bay Rays hat in anticipation for the 2009 season.

-Burns for Chatterbalks.com