12 Steps to Fantasy Football Greatness…er, Competence

Tired of your buddies working you over year after year?

Does your wife refer to your team as the '99 Rams?

Do you find yourself taking Carson Palmer in the third round year after year?

Are you thinking of, or have you drafted Edgerrin James in the past two years?  

If you or anyone you know has ever suffered from these symptoms, you may suffer from fantasy-related mesothelioma. Put down that gun friend, Dr. Ohlstrom’s here to help!

I was once just like you, confused, scared...lonely. I have drafted Carson Palmer in the third round, and spent an entire season drowning my regret at Willie’s around the corner. I even took the Bears' defense in the 10th round one year.

Of course they blew up that year and the pick really paid off, but that’s beside the point.

With the help of my 12-step system I’m over that now and will never make those mistakes again...and with my help, you won’t either!

I) Wait until the last two rounds to draft your defense and kicker

It’s obvious, but people somehow screw this up. I don’t know why I’m writing this because the guys who draft the Chargers' defense in the ninth round don’t know how to read anyway.

II) Stick with your early picks

Last year, I played with a guy who picked Brees in the early rounds, and then ended up cutting him because he got off to a slow start. Naturally, Brees picked up his play and was picked up by an owner who used him to finish fourth and slide into the last playoff spot. You’ll never guess who came in fifth.

III) Running back is still king

You can never have too many quality running backs. If your league starts two and a flex, you'll want four. Running back is the one position you can always make a trade with. There will always be an owner who doesn’t draft them right. Act accordingly.

IV) Never draft a running back over thirty

Just don’t do it.

V) Grab a QB late

There’s always a QB projected to go in the first round. For the past few years, it’s been Peyton Manning. Last year, Brady blew up, so now he’s the token first-round QB.

But here’s the thing: Manning played as well last year as he does every year. So why isn’t he a first-round pick too?

It’s a little-known rule that all reputable fantasy experts must adhere to. None of these experts are taking Brady in the first round, yet they rank him there. Why? Because they want schmucks like you and me to take Tom Brady with the sixth pick, take Larry Johnson in the second, and Reggie Bush in the fourth.

It’s because most fantasy experts are heartless bastards who don’t care about you and me.

After Brady, Manning, and Romo are gone, target some guys further down your list and pick them up in later rounds. Say you like Eli Manning and David Garrard, and figure neither one of them will be among the top-10 QBs taken in your draft (I am in no way, shape, or form advocating that you take Eli Manning).

Wait as long as you can and pick them both up in back-to-back rounds. When Eli starts throwing a consistent buck-thirty every week after Week Four, just cut him and go to Garrard. In the end, his numbers aren’t going to be that much different than Brees, Palmer, or Roethlisberger, the group that makes up the second tier anyway.

VI) Pick a tight end right before you draft a defense

There are something like 20 legit starting options this year. Don’t think so?

Go to a mock-draft Website and do two mock drafts. In the first one, break out your fifth rounder on Gates, Witten, or Winslow, and make a note of guys you had your eye on who went immediately after.

For your second draft, wait until the 10th round and pick Alge Crumpler or Owen Daniels. Now look over both teams.

Ernest Graham, Fred Taylor, Brandon Marshall, and Anquan Boldin are all guys who should be around when Gates and Witten are taken.

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