Well, it is official. The season is ready to start, and the 25-man roster is set. So just leave it to Your Party Host to give you the lowdown on what you need to know about each player.
Catcher: Gerald Laird
What I Call Him: G-Money of the Fighting Laird Brothers, Mr. Basketball.
The Good: Above average defensively, calls a good game, doesn’t take crap from pitchers.
The Bad: Always looks like he’s taking a dump, hits worse than you do, disrupts public sporting events, has embarrassing grandfather.
First Base: Miguel Cabrera
What I Call Him: Miggy Smalls, Seňor Ding Dong, Cabby (though I don’t like it).
The Good: Perennial MVP candidate, still young, improving defensively at first.
The Bad: Violent wife, is a lush, has friends on the White Sox, prone to hangovers during big games.
Second Base: Scott Sizemore
What I Call Him: Not Placido, Sizematters.
The Good: Young, decent pop in bat, sweet first name.
The Bad: Will strike out a lot, sucks on defense, not Placido Polanco, stupid last name compared to his first.
Third Base: Brandon Inge
What I Call Him: Binge, Special Little Guy, Oh Sh-t It’s Brandon.
The Good: Makes awesome defensive stops, above-average home run power, sells tickets for some reason.
The Bad: Sucks at hitting a baseball, screws up simple plays too often, stupid tattoos, fills stadium with fat girls squealing for him, cannot grow facial hair properly.
Shortstop: Adam Everett
What I Call Him: Not Bobby.
The Good: A vacuum cleaner at short, glorious hair.
The Bad: Hits like Chris Evert (too easy), frequently injured, wears No. 4, which should have been retired for Bobby F’n Higginson (bite me).
Left Field: Johnny Damon
What I Call Him: Captain Caveman, Matt Damon (in the “Team America” voice).
The Good: Professional hitter, uses the entire field, gets on base, lots of post-season experience, can grow a sweet beard.
The Bad: Wife is a bitch (ha), only cares about money, Scott Boras is his puppet master, throws like a four-year old girl with a broken arm.
Center Field: Austin Jackson
What I Call Him: Ajax, Action Jackson.
The Good: Young, fast, solid defense, better hitting than expected in the spring, seems to be handling the pressure of replacing The Messiah pretty well, Dombrowski has yet to notice that he let an African-American position player make the team this year.
The Bad: Lack of power, will strike out a bit, every time he screws up, some fat, drunk guy (not me) is going to be screaming Granderson’s name at him.
Right Field: Magglio Ordoňez
What I Call Him: Maggs, The Savior of Tiger Baseball.
The Good: Not afraid to hit to right field, seems to be in best physical condition in years, clutch hitter.
The Bad: Short hair, getting old, option for next year is scary, declining power, plays defense like Frankenstein’s monster.
Designated Hitter/Outfield: Carlos Guillen
What I Call Him: Mr. Glass, Carlito.
The Good: Switch hitter, can play multiple positions in a pinch, ability to hit .300 if healthy.
The Bad: Gets injured getting out of bed, sucks on defense, may have too much pride to DH every day.
Backup Catcher: Alex Avila
What I Call Him: The Boss’ Kid, Double A.
The Good: Lefty, has power, can grow a full beard by the seventh-inning stretch.
The Bad: Still weak on defense, looks like a wuss because his dad is in the front office, unrealistic expectations from crazy Tiger fans that got overexcited by his hot start last year.
Infield: Ramon Santiago
What I Call Him: The Little Tiger That Could, Little Ramon.
The Good: Solid defense, can play all over the infield, switch hitter, looks like he’s 12.
The Bad: Not much of a hitter, starts to suck if he is played too often.
Utility: Ryan Raburn
What I Call Him: Raburn. They can’t all be gems, you know.
The Good: Showed decent potential with the bat last year, can play anywhere on the field, sticks tongue out a lot making me laugh, my best female friend is in love with him and I can make fun of her when he strikes out.
The Bad: Not particularly great anywhere on defense, won’t get a fair shot until Guillen or Ordonez hurt themselves (mid-April).
Utility: Don Kelly
What I Call Him: Piece of Sh-t.
The Good: Can play lots of positions.
The Bad: Terrible at baseball, even Pittsburgh released him, 30 years old and basically a rookie, did I mention he sucks at baseball?
Ace: Justin Verlander
What I Call Him: JV, God.
The Good: Cy Young quality hurler, can dial up heater late in games, awesome death stare on mound, multiple nasty pitches.
The Bad: Cannot seem to get through sixth inning at under 100 pitches, usually has a “blow up” inning where he loses focus, may be certifiably insane.
No. 2 Starter: Rick Porcello
What I Call Him: Dreamboat Rick, Kid Rick.
The Good: Gets lots of ground balls, very mature for his age, will be able to buy beer soon, got valuable experience last year.
The Bad: Can’t strike anyone out, Comerica security still doesn’t believe he’s on the team, possible sophomore slump looming.
No. 3 Starter: Max Scherzer
What I Call Him: Mad Max, Crazy Eyes.
The Good: Strikes out a ton of guys, has two different colored eyes which is f-cking sweet.
The Bad: Coming to American League may be rough on him, will be compared to Edwin Jackson for a while.
No. 4 Starter: Jeremy Bonderman
What I Call Him: Bondo, Captain Changeup.
The Good: Awesome slider, still pretty young.
The Bad: Can’t stay healthy, inability to learn a third pitch, looks like Humpty Dumpty, stupid tattoos like Brandon Inge’s.
No. 5 Starter: Dontrelle Willis
What I Call Him: D-Train, Batsh-t Crazy.
The Good: Wonderful attitude, extremely fan friendly, decent hitter for a pitcher.
The Bad: Is nuts, wild, may be finished after his next meltdown.
Relief Pitcher: Phil Coke
What I Call Him: Cokehead, Dirtball.
The Good: Used to pressure playing with the Yankees.
The Bad: Played for the Yankees, looks homeless.
Relief Pitcher: Eddie Bonine
What I Call Him: Fast Eddie, Terrible.
The Good: Um…can eat innings?
The Bad: Should be in the minors, should be working at 7-11, only on the team because Zach Miner hurt himself.
Relief Pitcher: Fu-Te Ni
What I Call Him: Made in Taiwan, Knight That Says Ni.
The Good: Impressive rookie season, fun to turn him into an Asian stereotype character on my blog, young and left-handed (like Dombrowski likes ‘em).
The Bad: Inexperienced. That’s about it. I love this kid, despite having fun with him sometimes on the site.
Relief Pitcher: Brad Thomas
What I Call Him: Who?
The Good: Only known player to have won a World Series championship ring (’04 Red Sox) and a Japan Series championship ring (’06 Nippon Ham Fighters). That is all I know about him other than him being another lefty. Oh, he was born in Australia. That’s kinda cool.
The Bad: Still couldn’t pick him out of a lineup if my life depended on it, only on the team because Bobby Seay is hurt, makes too much money.
Relief Pitcher: Ryan Perry
What I Call Him: Sleeves.
The Good: Only cool tattoos on the team, young, only going to get better.
The Bad: Can’t be counted on in the clutch quite yet, only 14 years old.
Relief Pitcher: Joel Zumaya
What I Call Him: Zoom, Guitar Hero, Glass Joel.
The Good: 100 mph heater, nice guy.
The Bad: Doesn’t know where the ball is going, can’t stay healthy, likes to party too much, sucks at video games and helping people move.
Closer: Jose Valverde
What I Call Him: Papa Grande, Thank God He’s Not Rodney or Jones.
The Good: Proven track record as a closer, varies pitching style from appearance to appearance, is not Fernando Rodney or Todd Jones.
The Bad: Getting older, the switching leagues thing.
That’s your team, kids. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.