Stick a Fork in the Los Angeles Lakers—They're Done

In L.A., it’s as routine as Botox injections, sig alerts, and the sight of C-list actresses Googling directions to their Brazilian waxing appointments on their Blackberrys and having conversations about “the industry” on their iPhones while waiting for their soy chai mocha lattes at Starbucks.

Yup, pronouncing the Lakers’ championship hopes dead is such an overblown pastime that even TMZ refuses to report it. By April, Kobe & Co. have been written off more than charitable contributions. If giving up on a 50-win team were people, Lakers fans would be China.

Well, call me Chang Hearn. I’m putting this Lakers team in the refrigerator. The door’s closed, the light’s out, the eggs are cooling, the butter’s getting hard, and the Jell-O’s blowing past Derek Fisher for a layup.

With seven games left before the playoffs, the Lakers are looking like they’ll be off the air sooner than Lamar Odom’s commercials.

Bryant’s getting bumped off his spots by the likes of Joe Johnson, settling for low-percentage jumpers, and not getting to the line as much as usual. The team’s got more bandaged fingers than the mummy. Phil Jackson is looking less and less willing to get out of his seat, and more like he’s wondering what the weather’s like in Montana. Or wherever LeBron is next season.

So much for Jackson’s hopes for a 5-0 road trip. Not even superhonk John Ireland could put a good face on the Lakers’ 2-3 trip, capped by Wednesday’s 109-92 loss at Atlanta. I don’t think two wins were even an option for Lakers fans casting their text message votes when the trip started.

Two wins? Who are these guys, the Clippers?

They sure looked like them Wednesday, giving up 100 points for the third straight game. And the Hawks looked more like the Lakers than the Lakers did, with Johnson bombing away like Kobe, castoff Mo Evans playing the part of Shannon Brown, and something named Zaza Pachulia holding his own with Pau Gasol.

The only thing the Lakers appear to be getting more prolific with is their vocab for explaining their Clipperness. Before Wednesday’s loss, Bryant called out his team for its tendency to “lollygag”—or basically, to wait until you’re down by 19 to start playing.

In the next few days, expect Kobe to bust out with “kaddywonkers” (as in, “after going 2-3 on the road, this team is straight up kaddywonkers!”) and “chucklehead” (as in, “I’m gonna put my foot in that chucklehead Vujacic’s ass!”).

That would be Sasha Vujacic, who is warming the Lakers’ bench even more than usual after putting his finger in assistant Brian Shaw’s face while arguing during a timeout.

“He knows how to get himself out of it,” Jackson told the media. “When he does he'll be back in good graces. There's a promise he made to us before the season that he hasn't fulfilled. I'll let him explain that if he wants to.”

Vujacic said he doesn't know what his coach is talking about. What else is new?

This is just like the good ol’ Smush Parker days, when even the most suck-ass of Lakers got to thinking he was irreplaceable and shot his mouth off. Lakers' championship hopes? To the left, to the left.

Forget the recent stumbles against the Cavs and Magic. After getting their hats handed to them by lesser contenders Atlanta, Oklahoma City, and New Orleans—oh wait, the Hornets aren’t even a playoff team—the Lakers should be sweating over a possible first-round matchup with Portland.

After all, that’s nine of 10 they’ve lost in the Rose Garden, breaking through only when they locked Bryant in the bathroom. Oh, and by the way, the Blazers just won in OKC and N.O.

Maybe Andrew Bynum will be back by the start of the playoffs, and maybe he’ll be back to his average of six rebounds and five fouls by the time the Lakers face a real big man.

I know, I know. Don’t bet against Bryant, the best non-LeBron in the game.

OK. If he can duplicate his six game-winners this season in the first two rounds, I can see the Lakers making it to the Western Conference Finals.

If not, well, the Lakers are Corey Haim. And more time for Odom to hawk his Samsung Mobile Loose-Ball Foul. Or the Taco Bell 3-for-9 from the Field Box.

On the bright side, Luke Walton is coming back soon.