In a great baseball movie that had to warm the hearts of all Boston Red Sox fans, Jimmy Fallon played the role of an insane Boston Red Sox fan whose life revolved around the season tickets he had inherited from his uncle.
Fallon’s character was a math teacher who fell in love with Drew Barrymore, a yuppie executive climbing the ladder in her company who was barely conversant about baseball.
The movie ended with Barrymore realizing that Fallon was selling his season tickets in order to prove his love for her.
But, of course, no baseball movie could end that way and Barrymore finds a way to get into a playoff game. She drops from the outfield seats onto the field and runs across the field in time to keep Fallon from selling his tickets.
As a Yankee fan who hates the Sox (but actually liked the movie), I decided that the end had to be rewritten. My ending would go something like this.
Barrymore gets to Fallon seconds too late as he has already signed the contract to sell his tickets to the conniving lawyer who is taking advantage of the situation.
The lawyer refuses to nullify the contract so Fallon sues in Massachusetts Superior Court for Boston alleging tortuous interference with a contractual relationship, temporary insanity, and lack of consideration.
At the hearing on the motion to grant summary judgment in the case, Fallon makes his final argument to the sitting Judge.
But the Judge is a closet Yankees fan whose maternal grandfather once played in the minor leagues in the Yankee system.
“Your honor, everyone knows how important these tickets are to any true Red Sox fan. I was taken advantage of by the Defendant in this case in a time of great turmoil in my life.”
“I thought it was the only way to salvage my relationship. And in addition to that, the money I agreed to take is nowhere near as much as the rights to buy season tickets three rows up from the field for every Red Sox home game.”
As the defendant stood to make his counter argument, the Judge waved him down and stood and looked at Fallon.
“You are a sorry excuse for a baseball fan. Nobody in their right mind would want to go through the misery and sorrow you have gone through in your life, being disappointed over and over by the team that has been the sun in your universe around which everything else revolves.”
“Anybody who would give up everything else in their lives so that they could spend 81 miserable days or nights in that sorry little excuse for a baseball park, sitting in seats that were designed for midgets, walking down aisles not large enough for a snake to navigate, and listening to that stupid 'Tessie' song.”
“And how stupid is it for everyone to stand and sing ‘Sweet Caroline?’ What does that song have to do with baseball? Has nobody in Boston heard of 'Take Me Out To the Ballgame?'"
“You should have given up those ridiculous season tickets long before you got your life screwed up like this. As far as the value, I find that the season tickets to Red Sox games have no value and if the Defendant paid you anything at all, he paid you more than they are worth.”
“This case is dismissed and the Plaintiff is to pay the costs of this action.”