College FB Championship Chase: Week 10 Stock Report

Some things we learned from Week 10...

Like a terminal patient that had been defibrillated back into consciousness for two minutes against Virginia Tech, Boston College got the plug pulled by Florida State this week.

Actually, it was more like the Seminoles spiked the Eagles’ IV with antifreeze during a shift change on the night nursing staff.

We learned that a Div. I-A football team can only go so far with an NFL-caliber quarterback surrounded by a bunch of guys who’d look more at home in a scull on the Charles River.

We also learned that Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce could have protected Matt Ryan better than the Eagles offensive line.
 
More prosaically...

Kansas proved a point on Saturday: Nebraska is the worst possible team in the history of the universe.

I'd like to see a game between Kansas and Notre Dame. Well, I wouldn’t actually like to see it, because it might turn me to stone, but I'd be curious about its outcome.

Speaking of which, at least Notre Dame has the comfort of knowing it has a genius for a coach.

Don’t look now, but Michigan is almost back in the Top 10. Amazing. It’s like a case of the clap that went away on its own.

The more those punks South Florida lose, the worse their win over WVU looks. Thanks, punks.


 
The Big Board (as per the BCS poll rankings)

 
1. Ohio State: UP

It’s now up to Illinois or the suddenly clap-free Wolverines to spoil Sen. Tressel’s Redemption Season.

2. LSU: UP

West Virginia boy Nick Saban nearly helped out his home state’s team by pulling the upset over LSU. However, he left with the job undone.

Just like in Miami.

3. Oregon: UP

WVU needed Arizona State to pull this one out because Oregon’s got zipperooni left on the schedule.

Okay, I’ve finally stopped hatin’ on the Ducks. (Maybe now they’ll lose.)

4. Kansas: UP

How the hell did this happen?!

Oh, right: Head coach Mark Mangino, who was recently discovered to be Jupiter’s fifth moon spun wildly out of orbit, ate the entire Nebraska starting defense and second-team.

Mmm...Huskers!

Dipped in batter and fried to a delicious golden crunchiness, of course.

5. Oklahoma: UNCHANGED

Boomer Sooner/I’m a hater/Buncha hayseeds/on their tractors!

6. Missouri: UP

What?

The Big 12 has three teams in the top six—and none of them are named Texas or Nebraska?

Notable Missouri students of the past include Brad Pitt (advertising) and Jon Hamm, lead actor in the excellent AMC drama Mad Men (theater).

Good for Mizzou and all that, but let me just inject a little sanity here: WVU would beat them by three touchdowns. Thank you.

7. WVU: UNCHANGED

Okay boys, this looks grim.

The idle Mountaineers got vaulted by Kansas AND Mizzou (didn’t see THAT one coming) and now require such an elaborate series of dominoes to fall their way to play in the BCS title game that it would have to look like one of those million-domino setups those Japanese kids are always doing.

I'm willing to accept a Rose Bowl versus Michigan as consolation prize for failing to beat South Florida (how on EARTH did that happen?)—and to complete Lloyd Carr’s season of frustration (see below).

8. Boston College: DOWN

It’s nice to know that in an unfair universe, justice does sometimes prevail.

However, if that justice is administered by Bobby Bowden’s gang of butt-violating (we mean that only in a figurative sense) felons-in-training and academic no-shows, I’m not sure what that tells us about the universe.

Not to be a nihilist; I’m just sayin’.

9. Arizona State: DOWN

Dennis Erickson heads back to his houseboat and stirs a mojito. Don’t harsh my mellow, dude.

10. Georgia: UNCHANGED

Head coach Mark Richt “apologized” for his team’s on-field celebration last week. Urban Meyer was unsure whether Richt was sincere, given all the barely-contained snickering Richt did during the apology.

Let’s put it this way: Richt’s apology should be taken about as seriously as Hitler’s, if he'd ever apologized for invading Poland.

 

Delisted from the Big Board

 
No. 8 Boston College

Still in the Top 10, but no realistic shot. At least the Eagles retain the distinction of being the best football team in the Northeast, which is sort of like being the tallest building in Tulsa.

 
No. 9 Arizona State

Oh, cabana boy—another mojito! Chop, chop!

 

Hot Stocks to Watch

 
No. 12 Michigan

No shot at a national title, but how’s this...

Michigan ends up playing WVU in the Rose Bowl. And the punchline—wait for it—is that Michigan loses to the (Appalachian State ) Mountaineers to begin the season and the (WVU) Mountaineers to end it.