NFL Newswire Rundown, June 30

Tosten HeathSenior Analyst IJune 30, 2008

I'm a new soul in this very strange world. I've cleaned up, and I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. After being inspired by the G-rated Wall-E getting the best review of any movie all year, I'm applying the concept to my own writing. Thus, the name change.

I'm still a rotoworld whore, struggling with an addiction, but instead of bringing you a dirty-titled "Report", I'll present my loving ad-clicking readers with a more eloquent "Rundown".

"A soul that makes virtue its companion is like an over-flowing well, for it is clean and pellucid, sweet and wholesome, open to all, rich, blameless and indestructible." So says Greek philosopher Epictetus.

So I'm going to take my indestructible mind and get on with this Rundown.


Harrison Gets Paid

The Bears are expected to finalize a four-year contract with rookie DT Marcus Harrison within the next 24 hours.

Getting Harrison under contract would leave Chicago with four remaining unsigned picks: Earl Bennett, Matt Forte, Chris Williams, and Zack Bowman.

Does Chicago want to get dropkicked by Brian Urlacher? If they don't give him money, the face of their franchise is going to smash the GM's face. You can smash me for that line too if you want.


Andrews Has Relationship Issues

Patriots CB/KR Willie Andrews was arrested Monday for allegedly pointing a gun at his girlfriend's head after she accused him of cheating on her.

The woman allegedly confronted Andrews at his apartment on Sunday night. She says he was waving a gun, and that it touched her temple. This makes two arrests for Andrews this year, and we suspect he's out of chances. He was found in possession of marijuana in February.

The Patriots are unlikely to look past this latest allegation, especially since Andrews is a role player.

Yeah man, I hate when the ladies find out too. Just pull a Shaggy, that usually works better than shoving a gun to the girl's head. You don't bust out a nine millimeter. Buddy, may I suggest Oprah?


Kacyvenski May Retire?

Free agent Isaiah Kacyvenski hopes to return to the NFL this season. Kacyvenski, once a special-teams star with Seattle, tore cartilage in his left knee during Raiders' camp last summer and was released with an injury settlement. He says he'll consider retirement if no teams call him by Week Four.

See? Look what rookie contracts are doing to owners! Teams can't afford the thread it takes to put long names on jerseys, so guys like Kacyvenski end up out of the league! Commisioner Goodell, fix this problem fast.
An internet impostor reportedly created a false Reggie Williams MySpace page and announced that the fifth-year receiver would retire.
Williams told that he does not, in fact, plan to retire. He doesn't want to let all his planned celebrations for eight-yard gains go to waste.
This was definitely a Colts fan trying to make the division easier. They don't have the smartest fans in Indianapolis...
Ravens CB Derrick Martin denies that he was cited for drug possession at Hopkins Airport in Cleveland on Saturday, according to a team spokesman.
The man arrested has the same birthdate and name. The citation he received is similar to a traffic ticket and considered a minor misdemeanor. A $100 fine is the maximum penalty Martin faces, if, of course, it was him.
What? Drug possession is the same level of crime as a traffic ticket? Martin getting framed by his clone isn't the weirdest thing going on here...
Falcons' GM Thomas Dimitroff says the Cowboys have not called him about Joe Horn.
"I've made no contact with Dallas, or they with me," Dimitroff told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Horn, who said in May that he wants out, has been given permission to seek a trade, but he is more likely to eventually be cut.
Of course the Cowboys haven't phoned about Joe. Haven't you seen his touchdown celebrations? Horn is the one who makes the calls.