Tiger Droppings, Jan. 29: Adam Kennedy Latest Lefty Hitter Drawing Interest

Who would win in a fight: Gerald Laird's brother or Miguel Cabrera's wife? My money is on Mrs. Miggy Smalls.

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Left-Handed Batman Wanted

Rumors continue to circulate that the Tigers are still looking to add a left-handed bat to the lineup. Carlos Guillen is currently the only projected starter that can hit from the left side...and he’ll probably be in traction by May.

The latest rumor has Detroit connected to infielder Adam Kennedy, who hit .289, 11HRs and 63 RBI in Oakland last year with a .758 OPS and a 101 OPS+. Kennedy seems to be a perfect fit for a Dave Dombrowski team—not only is he white, but he sucks at hitting too. He’d fit in great with Don Kelly, Clete Thomas, Adam Everett and Brandon Inge.

Dombrowski is supposedly only interested in someone that can play defense, too. Oddly enough, the Tigers were linked to aging slugger (and defensively challenged) Jim Thome, but the big man ended up signing with the stupid Twins.

Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Denard Span, Jason Kubel and now Thome? Who’s next, Minnesota? Jermaine Dye look interesting to you? Want to bring Joe Crede back for another year? How about trading for Luke Scott?

Baggie Dome or no Baggie Dome, we’re not going to win one game against the Twins this year unless someone has some new scouting reports on these guys.

Super-villain agent Scott Boras is trying to get the Tigers or Reds to sign Johnny Damon to a deal. The Rays may be involved as well. I believe it was also reported that Boras survives solely on the blood of newborn children.

Anyway, Damon’s not going to be a Yankee, as they convinced Randy Winn to turn to the dark side, leaving Damon out in the cold. He can still hit the ball but has the arm strength of a four-year-old.

Earlier in the week, there was a report that we were considering Jim Edmonds, last seen sucking at baseball in 2008. Luckily, by the time I stopped banging my head against the wall, he had signed in Milwaukee. Phew.

If the Tigers are really looking for a left-handed bat to help Miguel Cabrera in the lineup, and not just an Adam Kennedy-type player, there are really only a few choices left on the free agent landscape.

Johnny Damon (LF, DH): 36-years-old. Hit .282 with 24 homers, 82 RBI, an .854 OPS, and an OPS+ of 126 in 2009. The brother wants to get paid, though.

Russell Branyan (1B, DH): 34-years-old. Hit .251, 31 homers, 76 RBI, .867 OPS, 128 OPS+. He probably won’t repeat those numbers and is an injury risk. But you never know.

Hank Blalock (1B, 3B, DH): 29-years-old. Hit .234, 25 ding-dongs, 66 RBI, .736 OPS, 86 OPS+. Blalock’s a gamble and could be a Carlos Pena-type guy that just needs a change of scenery.

Carlos Delgado (1B, DH): 38-years-old. He only played in 26 games last year due to injury, hitting .298, 4, 23. In 2008, Delgado hit 38 homers with a .871 OPS. If healthy, he’s going to be a bargain for someone.

Garret Anderson (LF, DH): 38-years-old. Hit .268, 13 home runs, 61 RBI, .705 OPS, 86 OPS+. The former Angel and Brave is probably about done.

Mike Jacobs (1B, DH): 29-years-old. Batted .228, 19 homers, 61 RBI, .698 OPS, 83 OPS+. He really struggled in the AL last year. Then again, he was a Royal. You can’t count it against him.

That’s about it, barring a trade. If Delgado can pass a physical, my current order of preference would be Damon, Delgado and Branyan. Damon’s ability to lead off and cause havoc on the basepaths trumps Delgado’s super-strength.

I really wanted Thome, though. Mainly so we wouldn’t have to face him. I think Justin Verlander’s career ERA would be a half-point lower if Thome was never born. I’m starting to hate the Twins almost as much as I do the friggin’ White Sox.

In Other News

Happy Birthday, Good Sir. Legendary announcer Ernie Harwell turned 92 this week. Seriously, is there anyone on this planet that can say one bad thing about this wonderful human being? Bless you, Ernie.

We Dropped Who? Facepalm. Jeff Larish was bumped off the 40-man roster to make room for Jose Valverde. Meanwhile, Don Kelly remains. What kind of dirty pictures must he have of Dombrowski/Jim Leyland/Mike Ilitch to remain on the team?

Always A Tiger Updates via MLB Trade Rumors

Brad Ausmus signed an $850K deal to remain with the Dodgers for 2010 and a $1 million option for 2011. How is Brad Ausmus not in his mid-50s by now? Was he 14 when he played for us?

Speaking of the Dodgers, they gave my boy Timo Perez a minor league deal. Congrats, Timo! Perez tore up the Mexican League in the offseason playing alongside ex-fictional Indian Jake Taylor. Hat tip to fellow Timo fan Dan on this one.

The Yankees are said to be showing interest in Marcus Thames. Really? Thames and Curtis Granderson both on the Yankees? Unfair, Brian Cashman. We are trying to hate you over here.

Jarrod Washburn will probably end up with the Twins or back in Seattle, say the latest reports. I hope his kneecap explodes.

Matt Stairs signed with the Padres. The 40 pounds he’s supposedly dropped will stay in Philadelphia to be served on those nasty cheesesteaks.

Doug Brocail has announced his retirement at the age of 42. Godspeed, forgotten, crappy relief pitcher. Godspeed.

But, Plugs

JAYRC tries to get us excited for youngster Ribbie Weinhardt over at The Spotstarters. Sadly, at this point in my life, I only get excited for Payday candy bars, Bacardi rum and lesbian porn.

Speaking of lesbians, Tiger bull-lesbian pitcher Armando Galarraga is the next pitcher with superpowers to be profiled by Samara over at Roar of the Tigers. If Armando somehow finds his 2008 form this year, we are going to be a lot better than most people think. That’s a big “if,” though.

Hey, Ian's blogging again over at The Cutoff Man! His first article over there is on applying the Brett Favre rules to the Tigers. Ahh, the irony. A guy that quits blogging only to start right back up is making Favre jokes. I kid, Ian. You know you complete me.

Here's a nice piece on the enigma that is Lou Whitaker, written by Greg Eno at Where Have You Gone, Johnny Grubb. Solid, well-written work by Greg, as always.

Noted hater of Tiger fans everywhere Lynn Henning must have sensed that some Detroit fans were excited about the thought of Johnny Damon coming to town. Don’t worry, as he has been quick to take a dump on that idea. At least he’s stopped calling Curtis Granderson names.

Jamie Samuelsen says the Tigers can’t rely on Joel Zumaya. In other news, water is wet, winter is cold, and Jim Leyland smokes cigarettes.

I’m spent. Goodbye, January. I’m glad it’ll be another year before I have to deal with you again.