B/R has been flooded lately with people giving their thoughts and predictions concerning the Royal Rumble.
So I figured I would join the fray and try to sort through the mess that is the Rumble in order to determine the likely winner.
I was also tempted to tag this as a humor piece because if you saw my ECW Homecoming Predictions, you would know that is not exactly my forte, but I digress.
I have created four categories for the Rumble participants: No Chance In Hell, Ring Fillers, Contenders, and of course, the winner.
Before we get started, I will be operating under the assumption that Matt Hardy, John Morrison, and Drew McIntyre will be included in this match.
No Chance In Hell
This category should be fairly obvious, but in case anyone needs some clarification, this category is reserved for those who have absolutely no shot of winning.
Carlito—Anyone who dresses like Napoleon Dynamite has no business winning a world title. Fortunately, Carlito was never that interested in making anything out of his career anyway.
Evan Bourne—Oh, poor, little Evan. Well, here’s hoping you do better in the Rumble then you did during the Homecoming Finale. Over/Under is starting at 10 seconds.
Hurricane—All superheroes have a weakness, who knew that alcohol would be Hurricane’s weakness? What’s up with that!?
The Great Khali—Sure, Khali can’t wrestle, but he can...um, hang on. Well, he is certainly very tall.
Chris Masters—Well, at least you have Eve and the dancing pecs, buddy.
Santino—Here’s a Rumble fact for everyone; no one who has dressed up in drag has gone on to win the Royal Rumble. Can’t say I like Santino’s chances.
Zack Ryder—Sorry bro, I don’t like your chances just yet, but I do think you have a bright future. At least you can have Rosa Mendes teach you some Spanish, even if it is only three words.
Jack Swagger—Swagger’s career has been a Shakespearean tragedy.
This category is dedicated to those individuals who also really don’t have much of a chance of winning, but at least have enough credibility that they could be considered a threat. Also, individuals in this category should have a lengthy stay in the Rumble.
Matt Hardy—So much dedication to the business, so little reward. It’s a shame his brother got all of the accolades when Matt did everything the right way. Not sure if the rumors are true, but here’s hoping he finds more success in TNA if he winds up there.
R-Truth—Not really sure what to make of Ron Killings. I mean, there is no way he wins the Rumble, but he had a brief program with CM Punk and might be starting up something with Jericho. I say the WWE lets him have a decent amount of time in the ring.
Yoshi Tatsu—Love the potential and the enthusiasm, plus the sweet entrance music. Alas, if you are teaming with Goldust, I don’t like your chances to win the Rumble.
Mark Henry—Ah, the World’s Strongest Kool-Aid. He hasn’t done anything too noteworthy lately, but I think the big man has a good showing at the Rumble before getting tossed.
Drew McIntyre—Current Intercontinental Champ + recent debut = unlikely Rumble winner. McIntyre has been impressive since his debut, but he is still far to green to be winning the Rumble.
The Miz—Miz, I agree, you are awesome. However, you are still just a little bit away from being a world champion.
MVP—Currently locked up in a feud with the Miz for the US Title. This is just a convenient way to say MVP has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this match.
William Regal—Solid professional, good performer. Not championship material. He will guide Zeke Jackson to the ECW Championship, and that will be the highlight of his night.
Shelton Benjamin—I expect a good outing for Shelton. He’s been getting decent pops, and he seems more focused in the ring. Having said that, the day the WWE finally gives Shelton the push he deserves, pigs will fly.
Big Show—We will see the same old song and dance from Show. Dominate the match for a little bit, then get distracted by a cheeseburger strategically positioned by Hornswoggle, leading to his elimination at the hands of DX.
Kane—Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. This year will be no different for the "Big Red Machine." Lots of eliminations but taken out sooner then he deserves.
Returning Superstar X—Every year the WWE surprises us with some WWE alumni who mix it up one more time. These guys never win, but it’s always nice to see some old faces. Can you dig that? Suckaaaaaa!!
The men in this category all have a realistic chance of winning the Rumble. Just because I didn’t pick them doesn’t mean they couldn’t win.
Kofi Kingston—If his push hadn’t cooled so much since his feud with Orton, he would be my dark horse to win. I see him following in Punk’s footsteps—a very strong showing in the Rumble culminating with a win in the Money in the Bank Match at Wrestlemania.
Cody Rhodes—Everyone seems to think DiBiase is going to win the Rumble. Rhodes is no slouch. (In fact, I feel he is the better of the pair.) I wouldn’t be shocked if he eliminates DiBiase before falling to DX.
Ted DiBiase—Not sure why everyone thinks Legacy is going to break up at the Rumble. I think the WWE can expand of the friction forming between Legacy going forward. DiBiase will no doubt have a strong showing, but I see DiBiase being eliminated by his BFF, Cody Rhodes. (Side note, I will put money that Rhodes and DiBiase draw Nos. 1 and 2, respectively).
DX (HHH & HBK)—The WWE’s bromance has seen its own tension forming these last few weeks. While I don’t like pimping my old articles, I am going to it anyway. I recently wrote an article explaining why these two will faceoff at Wrestlemania, and thus not win the Rumble.
Batista—No denying "The Animal" has become much more interesting since turning heel. I think angry Dave will dominate the match but ultimately fall just short of his goal. The Elimination Chamber seems like the chance to give the title or title shot to Batista heading into Wrestlemania.
Chris Jericho—Jericho does not need a Rumble win to prove anything. He had been the best thing going in the WWE for the last year. I expect a great performance from "Y2J," but I think Edge will make his return at the Rumble and distract Jericho leading to his elimination. Either that or the Hurricane comes back and demands that Jericho pay for his cab fare.
John Cena—That’s right, I don’t think Cena walks away from the Rumble the winner. In fact, I think Vince McMahon gets involved in some capacity and leads to his elimination. Cena and McMahon have never seriously butted heads in the past, and I see Cena becoming heavily involved in the McMahon/Bret Hart storyline.
John Morrison—I really want to give the nod to Morrison to win the Rumble, but he has very little momentum heading into the match. There is no doubt the WWE wants to make Morrison a future world champ, and soon for that matter. I fully expect Morrison to last until the final four.
I think this category should seem fairly obvious.
CM Punk—He has taken the mantle from Jericho as the best heel in the WWE (sorry Orton fans). I don’t think Punk and Luke Gallows will win the tag titles but are more of a way to get DX some face time on Smackdown. Everything is falling into place for Punk. He has great mic skills, great in ring abilities, and now, he has his own stable.
The Straight-Edge Society provides Punk with credibility as a leader, and I am sure that Gallows will have some say as to how the Rumble plays out.
Punk’s win will put another feather in his cap. He can now saunter to the ring and proclaim himself, “The Only Straight-Edge Royal Rumble Winner."
You have heard my pick for the Rumble, but what say you, Bleacher Creatures?