The World's Worst Fan?

I am really one of the worst types of sports fan there is.  Allow me to elaborate.

As a fairly new contributor to Bleacher Report, I was doing all the stuff that I figure a newbie like me would do, updating my bio and so forth; and I commented there that I root for the Tampa Bay Rays because I hate the Yankees and the Red Sox.  Then it occurred to me that there is, in fact, a litany of teams that I truly have deep feelings of hatred towards.  And that's just plain wrong. 

But I plain don't care.  I think that a healthy dislike of the opposition is a good thing, in that it gets you emotionally involved in the result of the game.  I have little desire to watch a game in which I have no emotional stake.

Truth be told, I have tempered considerably with age.  In my youth, I would hope for horrible, life-threatening things to happen to the players and coaches who were the targets of my loathing.  When the 49ers and the Cowboys, two teams I have hated for decades, played each other, I would actively wish for a flaming meteorite to strike the 50-yard line during the coin toss. 

Then Bobby Hurley, the Duke point guard during the memorable NCAA Regional against my beloved Kentucky Wildcats, suffered a near-fatal car crash as an NBA rookie and I really felt rotten for all the things I wished would happen to him while he was in college.  So now I hope that they get stuck in line at the DMV or that their shopping cart at the grocery store has that one wheel that gets stuck for no reason and goes HRRRRRUMMMMMM real loud.  Baby steps. 

I anticipate there may be readers of this who have an over-developed sense of right and wrong and will want to tell me how "sad" I am, or how they "feel sorry" for me that I can't have an appreciation and understanding for all that is good and right with sport and so forth.  Please spare me, all you potential Dr. Phils.  You root the way you want to and I'll do the same, thank you.

Speaking of which:

The game was over and UK had been defeated by a talented South Carolina team.  I turned to my wife with a puzzled look.  "I don't get it," I exclaimed.  "I wore the lucky hat, and I sat in the same place all game long."

"You did all you could, honey," she soothed.

"No, no...I bet it was when I rewound the DVR to see if Downey's foot was over the three-point line." 

Yes, I am that kind of fan, too.

I know some people that say, "I like both UK and Louisville", or "I like UK but I root for the SEC if the Cats aren't playing."  I don't see how you people can live with yourselves.  If I was caught rooting for another team, why, that team might beat my team at some later point, which means that I ROOTED FOR A TEAM THAT BEAT MY TEAM. Oh, the horror!

The other day we received an invitation to dine with a friend at his house.  It was a game day so my wife declined, saying I was going to watch the UK game at home.  Our friend said, "He can watch the game here," to which my wife replied, "Oh, no, you don't understand."  There's no way he could.

I believe you may be starting to get the picture.

I cheer and holler for my team on television just like I'm at the game.  I go "Whoosh!" when a jump shot goes in, and I scream "Miss!" when an opposing player is at the foul line.  In fact, I try to time my scream to take into account the seven-second satellite delay, which means I am screaming at the TV while the shooter is still waiting to get the ball at the line.

You may think that I am crazy to believe that my actions watching the game at home have any effect on the fortunes of the teams I root for, to which I eloquently respond—Am not!

Don't you judge me.