The Real Reason Johnny Damon Won't Be Back in Pinstripes (Satire)

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The Real Reason Johnny Damon Won't Be Back in Pinstripes (Satire)

Johnny Damon and the New York Jets are probably the biggest sports topics in New York right now. The Yankees have reportedly made their final offer to Damon. It is now a take-it-or-leave-it deal.

Scott Boras, Damon's agent, is still looking for the big bucks, but it is highly unlikely that big money is still left for Damon on any team.

Damon texted Tyler Kepner recently and said that a return to New York is still likely. Damon also said that he was considering retirement, but later on thoughts and rumors of retirement were dispelled. Again Damon goes against his word. This time on the belief of a possible return to the Bronx. 

Damon was spotted on Saturday night leaving Mickey Mantle's restaurant in Manhattan. When asked for a short interview with reporters, Damon accepted. The reporters sat down at the table but soon had to stand back up because Damon's date had returned from the restroom. His date was the one and only Kate Hudson. 

Reporters sat down to question Damon about his free agency, but instead he would be answering questions about why he was on a date with Kate Hudson. Hudson was Alex Rodriguez's girlfriend and lucky charm during the 2009 playoffs. Damon is a married man!

When asked about the date, Damon responded that Kate and him were just having dinner and were going out to get a few drinks afterwards. Was there love attached? Damon said, "Kate and I are very close. I won't say anything more about us."

"Us"? Damon says that he and Kate met at Rodriguez's party celebrating their championship. While A-Rod was in the restroom, Damon got close with Hudson. As the Jersey Shore folks would say, "Damon committed the robbery."

Damon is no stranger to robbery. He is a very good base runner and is always a threat to steal. That may be one reason why the Yankees would like to re-sign him. But after the Hudson date at Mantle's, Damon said that a return to the Bronx probably will not happen.

"It will be hard to look at Alex in the eyes," Damon said. "During my time in New York, I grew close with him. After my relationship with Kate became more intimate, I think Alex and I grew farther apart."

As for Damon's family, wife Michelle Damon has refused to comment on the issue. A close friend to the family says that Michelle "saw this coming." This could turn into a big cat fight between Hudson and Michelle.

Speaking of felines...hopefully this doesn't turn into a Tiger-like situation. That is Tiger as in Tiger Woods. The man that hid an entire playboy calendar worth of women from his wife. Who knows how many more women Damon could be hiding? One thing is certain, Damon will not be in the Bronx next year.   

Alex Rodriguez's reaction to the news...he was in tears. Rodriguez was told about the Damon/Hudson relationship, when he was on his way up to the podium to receive his MVP award from the New York Baseball Writers. When accepting the award, he gave a speech and choked up. A close friend of Rodriguez said that afterwards Rodriguez said that he was crying because of the Kate Hudson news and not because of the award. 

This article is also featured on Bomber's Banter.

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