The Personal Diary Of Graeme Smith's Mum.

6:30 PM

They have done it again! I thought it was bad enough when that horrible, horrible turncoat Strauss wouldn't give my poor baby a runner, but now his stupid team wont let Graeme win even though they played better!

8:30 PM

Just got off the phone to my gorgeous son, he was so upset that he needed me so sing his favourite nursery rhyme to him from when he was young. I'll tell you a secret diary. It's Humpty Dumpty. I wish that the horrible English would just let him have a turn at winning! 

8:40 PM

Graeme just phoned in tears again. He says that Makayha called him a 'big fat fairy'. I think i might give that has been a peace of my mind. A mother must protect her son you know. I offered to come over and make him his favourite drink of some hot Milo, but he said that he was a big boy now, and anyway he was kicking seven shades out of the Nazi zombies. Sometimes he hurts me.

1:00 PM

I went out for some lunch.Lasagne.

11:00 AM

I spoke to my hunnybun today. He was sad because he said that Hashim called him a mummies boy. He also said that he didn't care because he looks funny and it looks like he has a talking beard. I told him to stop being horrible.

3:00 PM

Poor Friedal still has a sore back and might not be able to play the last match! Oh i do like him so, he is such a nice boy.

6:00 PM

I watched a film today but i had to switch it off because actors just arnt what they used to be. So sad.

I made a phone call to one of my oldest friends today. She isn't doing too well. Apparently she smelt almonds in her flat today and is positive that Mr. Jenkins from flat 23 is trying to poison her with cyanide to get back at her after that dreadful biltong incident. I didn't tell her that she lives right next to a bakery which speciality is a delightful pie with roast almonds on top!

7:00 PM

Graeme is taking me out to dinner tonight.

7:30 PM

I cant keep up with all this fancy language. Apparently 'Harro' is being dropped and 'Parmisan' and 'McNugget' are coming into the side! I think the stress may be catching up with him.

8:30 PM

I think my ears need cleaned!. Im sure the man next to me just asked for a roast baby!

9:00 PM

Managed to clear up the whole 'Parmisan/McNugget' misunderstanding. Its actually Parnell and McLaren and they are making their test debutes. They are both such very nice boys, i hope it goes well.

8:00 AM

Its the first day of the last test. Graeme says that it is very important. He also said that its embarrassing when i call him when he is 'with his boys' and he asked me to stop. He really does hurt my feelings sometimes.

10:01 AM

WOOPY! I wicket with the first ball of the game! Hashim has just returned into my good books, after all, he is such a nice boy!

6:00 PM

What a good day of cricket. SA are playing well and my Graeme is happy.

7:00 PM

All that cake has made me feel awfully bloated.

12:00 Noon

I wish all those nasty people would leave my poor ickle boy alone! Cant they see that they are hurting his feelings! They made me angry. Never underestimate a mothers rath!

3:00 PM

Those security guards were surprisingly nice considering the situation they found me in. I told you.. never underestimate a mothers rage!

12:00 Noon

IM SO HAPPY. IM SO HAPPY. IM SO HAPPY! Graeme says he is going to get lekker getiep! Oh, im so out of touch with the youngsters speak. But im glad Mark is going with him. He is such a nice boy.

Please remember that this is NON-FICTION. Sorry if i accidentally insulted anyone.