It's 2010 and it's a new decade for the Buffalo Bills. They're undefeated so far. They'll be undefeated for eight months. The Bills fans should take some solace in knowing that whoever inherits the Bills coaching job will be inheriting a decade of success, even if that decade is only two weeks. Amazingly, this 2010's perfect team is struggling to find a coach, with Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, John Fox, Brian Scottenheimer and unnamed others seemingly passing on the head coaching job. Who can the Bills get to continue these weeks of success? Let's explore:
10. Dick Jauron—He's a free agent coach. There is also the chance that Ralph Wilson forgets that he fired him, and that for continuity purposes Jauron starts the season as head coach. Remember, Wilson did forget to announce that Jauron got a contract extension.
9. Perry Fewell—I know that the Bills showed interest in Fewell, but to think that the guy who had the job, was fired from the job, and then had to interview again for the job he was fired from would be interested makes me believe that the Bills might not have the best process in place. Fewell looks to be headed to lead the Bears defense until he realizes it's not the 2006 Bears defense anymore.
8. Ralph Wilson - Why take the effort to find a new head coach when the best head coach is already in the organization? It would be innovative since he would be the first head coach calling plays from an office in Detroit, and if he ever left as the head coach there would be no continuation plan and nobody would ever coach the Bills again.
7. Terrell Owens—He's near retirement, and what better way to create a system to best utilize TO then to have him as coach. Realistically, the Bills won't keep Owens on the team unless they have something special to offer, and head coach/player TO is the way to go. Plus it would create the first ever offense where a QB throws to a receiver 300 times in a season.
6. Sutton Schottenheimer—The Bills appear to be eager to hire a Schottenheimer, and this would be a proactive approach to doing so. Marty's not coming, and Brian has declined the job, so the Bills head to the next generation. Yes, Sutton is only five years old, but he didn't live through most of the awful 2000's for the Bills, and his offense has to be more innovative than any under Jauron was.
5. Gregg Williams—He's one of the hot assistant coaches looking for a head coaching job, and just like Pepsi Throwback it might be cool to have an old-time feel back just for a little bit. See how the five year old or TO isn't such a bad option after all. Gregg Williams made Dick Jauron look like Mike Leach. Lucky Sutton that he missed most of the 2000's.
4. Lane Kiffin—He's been at USC too long at this point, and the Bills would provide him the opportunity to get back into the pro game, which he's been away from for months. He's the Quentin Richardson of coaching.
3. Conan O'Brien—He's going to be a free agent soon, and would definitely add a lot of fun to the game day and post-game news conferences. He might be a bit pricey for the Bills budget, but also may be in the market to come back east and get away from television for awhile. You may be asking, what does he know about football? Of course you have asked the same question about every Bills coach since 2001. Offensive coordinator Triumph would change football.
2. OJ Simpson—This would have to be part of a work release program, but he could definitely provide the motivation for the players to perform. Gilbert Arenas has nothing on him. If the Bills franchise is crazy enough to keep his name on the wall of fame, they are insane enough to make him head coach. Marshawn Lynch is a hack OJ wannabe. Also, imagine the scenario where the Bills win the Super Bowl (it's fantasy land, go with me) and Roger Goodell shakes the hand of OJ.
1. Christina—She would be a promotion from the Buffalo Jills roster, and as the first female head coach would break down barriers in sports. Plus she went to my alma maters, she's blonde, and she wishes she was a little bit taller. Just like Skee Lo. If the team is going to stink, as least give us a cute head coach on the sidelines.