Chicago Cubs to Skip the 2010 Season

Jim Hendry spent most of Tuesday afternoon responding to rumors that the Chicago Cubs will skip the 2010 season, and with good reason. Well, according to the Cubs' GM, it's true.

"It's something we've given a lot of thought to, this wasn't anything we've rushed into," said Hendry. "I mean, we have all these long-term, ridiculously expensive contracts that we can't find takers for. So, I figure, hey, if that's the way the other GMs are going to be, then we might as well say, the hell with it and go home for the summer."

Hendry admits that this may be a difficult subject to broach with the fans. "I know the fans may be upset about this at first, especially the part about not getting refunds on their season ticket money," the Cubs' GM said. "But once they realize I'm doing this for their own benefit, I'm confident they will understand."

"And heck, it's not like we were going to win the World Series this year or anything," Hendry said with a chuckle. "What has it been, 101 years? Yeah, right, like that's going to happen."

One Cubs front office employee, who wished to remain anonymous, but who has the initials R.B. and spent his entire playing career with the Minnesota Twins, insists the Cardinals signing of Matt Holliday was the deciding factor.

"Once St. Louis went ahead and brazenly re-signed this guy, it basically told us that they were not willing to play fair. So how about we refuse to play this year, huh? Now who's laughing, Redbirds?"

Hendry insists that the decision to bypass this season was not without careful thought and deliberation. "This wasn't as simple as giving out a guaranteed contract you know. We even went to Fonzie first, and asked him to forgo his 2010 salary, but he refused. Then, we went to Rami and asked him if he wouldn't mind not getting injured this year, but he couldn't guarantee anything.

"When you add in the inevitable meltdown from Big Z and all of the walks we can expect from Marmol, you can see we really had no choice but to skip the season."

Sweet Lou was sorry to see his managerial career end so abruptly. "What the hell do you want from me," asked Lou. "You heard the damn decision, you tell me what happened."

The soon-to-be ex-Cubs skipper said he may have to replace the exercise he was planning on getting from walking out to the mound so often by doing pilates.

Meanwhile, new owner Tom Ricketts supported the decision to cancel the season. "As a fan, my heart simply couldn't take another year of disappointment anyway. We can always rent out Wrigley Field for concerts.

"And at least that damn Hendry won't sign any more bad deals. He hands out no-trade clauses like they're lollipops you know."

Cubs' president Crane Kenny refused to comment on the move. "I'm just so damn happy I still have a job. Even I don't know what the heck I'm still doing here."

In other Cubs news, newly minted Hall of Famer Andre Dawson said he has decided to go into the hall without a cap at all. "I'm having some good hair days, so why not?"