Scientists Ask McGwire, "Where's The Roid Rage, Mark?" (Satire)

Chris MurphyAnalyst IJanuary 12, 2010

31 Jul 2000:  Mark McGwire #25 of the St. Louis Cardinals shouts during the game against the Atlanta Braves at Busch Stadium in St. Louis, Missouri.  The Cardinals beat the Atlanta Braves 6-2.  DIGITAL IMAGE. Mandatory Credit: Elsa/ALLSPORT
Elsa/Getty Images

Scientists are questioning the confession of steroid use by Mark McGwire based on the fact he "cries like a little girl all the time."

McGwire even cried during his confession to Bob Costas for the MLB Network.

"We know his testicles have shrunk, but, opposed to common belief, that does not lead to crying and whining like a child," scientist Ricardo Montalban said.

McGwire has always been an emotional man, getting choked up during his home run chase, press conferences, before Congress, after striking out, on deck before facing a good pitcher, on deck before facing a bad pitcher, when stubbing his toe or while listening to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias.

Scientists, however, are wondering where the rage is.

"Well, stubbing your toe will make the toughest man cry," Montalban said. "That sh%t hurts. But the fact McGwire has never beaten his wife and apparently enjoys hugging his child makes us wonder."

Montalban refused to comment on the effect Iglesias had on people, denying he had ever heard his music although the "Hero" single was sitting on his desk.

All other big-named players who have been accused of or confessed to taking steroids have been surrounded with some type of oddity in their lives.

Roger Clemens took photos with his wife who, when flexing, makes former WWF Superstar Chyna seem girly.

Barry Bonds got in fights with teammates including Jeff Kent. A rational Bonds would have known Kent was just a racist hick.

Sammy Sosa dressed up as Casper for a carpet appearance a week after Halloween.

Alex Rodriguez found Madonna attractive 30 years too late.

Rafael Palmeiro owns an out-of-control moustache.

The list goes on, but nowhere in there is any strangeness on the part of McGwire who is only guilty of being too nice.

"We've never seen a case like this," Montalban said. "We want to run some tests including bringing him to the DMV, making him listen to Miley Cyrus speak and sing, and making him watch Pearl Harbor to see if we can get some roid rage out of him."

The truth for McGwire may never be known.