Red Sox Closer Jon Papelpon is Certifiably Infreakingsane – ESPN

 

Above: Papelbon, with cigar, no doubt pondering the nature of the cosmos with his titanic intellect.

 

Unbelievably interesting piece posted on the ESPN Boston blogs today.  You can read the redacted or full versions, depending on your preference.  I recommend the bullet points as the long version  is just one of Gordon Edes (he and Shaughnessy anchored out the old blow-hards section of Sports Section during The Boston Globe’s salad days of yesteryear) ambling, prose-heavy player profiles.  

Boooorriiiing.

[[Editor's note: the staff here at Venuist routinely posts satirical stories regarding breaking sports news.  For example, Mike Lowell was not really traded to the San Francisco Giants for Barry Bonds' reclining chair.  But this story on the ESPN Boston blog sounds like we did our best to invent it.]]

Choice nugget:

"

“I had no idea we got [John] Lackey until [trainer Mike] Reinold came down to see me, just a few days ago,” he said. “I swear to you. I don’t know anything about the ballclub.”

Adrian Beltre deal? He hadn’t heard. Casey Kotchman about to be traded to the Mariners? Nope. Mike Cameron? “Cameron, Mike Cameron?” he said. “We got him? I swear to you, I didn’t know.”

"

Or this bit:

"

The Red Sox last offseason locked up young stars Kevin Youkilis, Jon Lester and Dustin Pedroia to long term deals. They tried to do the same with Papelbon, offered him a two-year deal for about $14.75 million, within a couple hundred thousand dollars of what Papelbon was seeking. “I ixnayed their offer,” he said.

So Papelbon will head back to salary arbitration and is in line for another big raise, one that almost certainly will make him the eighth Sox player to be paid $9 million or more in 2010.

“Heck yeah, as far as what me and my brain are thinking,” Papelbon said, “but I haven’t even sat down with my agents [Seth and Sam Levinson] yet. We don’t even have a number in place. There haven’t been any discussions between me and the Red Sox and my agents at all.” Papelbon, who will be eligible for free agency after the 2011 season, said he is willing to keep going year to year until then.

"

If you’re like The Venuist, you’re hoping right now that this isn’t the last time we all get to here of what Papelbon and “[his] brain” are thinking.  

In fact, The Venuist and The Venuist’s brain are thinking that this might be one of the most delightful storylines to develop of the course of the next season.  The Venuist and The Venuist’s brain are also thinking we ought to get a coffee so we’ll talk to you all later today.

Unfreakingbelievable.