Classless Predictions: A Decade In Review

Indignant: Jaded and myself decided to do our requisite End of the Decade summation within our weekly picks. We divvied up the games 50/50. As usual, we decided to focus on certain individuals, events and places which were culturally significant and/or interesting to us during the 00’s, and were analogous in some tangential way to this week’s teams and games. Happy New Year!
Hope you enjoy.


Colts @ Bills
Indignant: The Colts started out with such promise and after last week it looks like they’re going to disappoint us all greatly. I couldn’t decide whether Peyton and Pals or the Vikings were best represented by Ms. Lyndsay Lohan, but I ultimately decided on Indy because I think they’ve thrown away their chance at greatness. Much like LeLo has gone from a thin, large-chested, sexy, red-headed 19 year old into a haggard, drug-addicted waste of talent; the Colts have taken their chance at being one of the NFL’s greatest team ever and cashed it into a very probable AFC championship game loss. (Bills)

Jaded:  Along those same lines, Freaky Friday was on TBS the other day and I’m pretty sure I felt a small tear rolling down my face at what LeLo has become.  Feel free to make all the lubricant jokes that you please. (Colts)


Bears @ Lions
Indignant: I had written something here that was very elaborate and intricate analogy about the Bears and Lions and their respective relationships with the crumbling stock market and auto industries. It was boring though; and somehow I figured this hypothetical pseudo-expository explanation of something you’ve never read would be more interesting than the original gibberish I wrote. Maybe I needed to re-re-think this one. (Bears)

Jaded:  I THINK I was in high school this decade, I definitely was in college for most of it; regardless, thanks to Indignant for using too many big words and showing me how little my education mattered.  (Bears)

Patriots @ Texans
Indignant: Remember way back in 2005 when Tom Cruise was doing jumping-jacks on Oprah’s Lazyboy and telling us how gay he wasn’t? His engagement to Katie Holmes was a pretty huge story. Then they had a kid and everyone was still pretty interested. They were both huge stars, who hurriedly got married and had a kid who curiously had more hair at birth than most middle-aged men. At this point, does anyone really care about either of them? They’re kind of just fading into the background and/or little corner boxes beside reality stars and Jennifer Aniston’s latest cling-on. They’re still hanging on to a semblance of super-stardom though, because of a few reasons: people still wonder if their marriage is the real thing and people still wonder if and when the mother-ship is going to come down and beam them up. See the Patriots parallel now?
Tom and Katies marriage:: Not sure if its legit:: Pats’ Superbowls in the shadow of Spygate.
Mother-ship beaming Tom and Katie up:: biggest story of 2015?:: Tom Brady having to start shipping his abundance of baby’s mothers overseas.  (Texans)

Jaded:  Scientology reference…check.  Jennifer Aniston cheap shot…check.  Oprah name drop…check.  Are we forgetting anything?  Maybe throwing in something about Tara Reid’s post-Playboy future?  Meh, I give up.  (Pats)

Steelers @ Dolphins
Jaded: So here’s the issue, Indignant and I are classless; we kind of run a website by that name and we title our picks as such because we usually are classless in every sense of the word. This is where the problem lies.  It would be borderline impossible to write a semi-accurate decade review without mentioning the events of September 11th, 2001.  It would also be completely inappropriate for a classless (insensitive, immature, un-intellectual, etc.) brute like myself to do it justice.  So I’ll just say this.  Before the events of that say, the American Flag was something we made fun of when we saw it on the back bumper of a run down pickup truck.  Now if you even consider questioning The Patriot Act, the Army, or Apple Pie in a public place you get insta-mugged by dozens of born again Patriots calling you Canadian.  I’ll spare you the drawn out analogy and just request you take that same logic and apply it to Steeler fans after 2006.  Somehow they became the unsung America’s Team of the 2000’s.  I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m honestly PRAYING the Cowboys win the Super Bowl this year just so the Steelers aren’t the only team with 6 rings.  It’s bad for a sport when a team dominates in my opinion (read: Yankees, Lakers, Canadiens).  Somebody PLEASE send the Steeler fans in Alaska back into the woodwork before 2019 rolls around.  (Steelers)
Indignant: God save the non-Steeler fans living in Pittsburgh if they somehow make it into the playoffs. (Steelers)

Giants @ Vikings
Jaded:  Between David Tyree’s unbelievable catch, Brett Favre’s brief stint as a legitimate 40 year old quarterback, Adrian Peterson’s ability to be a monster back without holding on to the football, that one time Eli did a commercial with his brother and didn’t look like a mouth breathing knuckle dragger, and Brad Childress and Tom Coughlin’s reigns as legitimate NFL coaches, this game reminds me of all of the other trends that came and went in the 2000s and had better not come back in the second decade.  Here’s to you:  trucker hats, popped collars, and aviator sunglasses; you make even the douchiest guys look more douche-like than we thought they could.  Here’s to you Perez Hilton, Kanye West, and the Twilight movies; you make pop culture seem like a bigger waste of time than it already is.  Here’s to you MySpace; Facebook won, suck it.  Here’s to you tramp stamp; the girls are getting older and nothing kills a butterfly above the butt crack like a few stretch marks.  Finally, here’s to you Sex and the City; but thanks for proving that there are four horny women in the world that I would not have sex with.  (Vikings)
Indignant: Could there be two teams in more of a downward spiral playing one another? (Vikings)

49ers @ Rams
Indignant: Both of these teams had a bit of success during the beginning part of the decade; but since about 2003 have both been craptastic basement dwellers. Now
I am going to get a little prediction-y with this one, but I’d like to say that many of the annoying reality stars in our daily t.v. lives will suffer this same fate. I would like to predict this: by 2013 Reality T.V. will become more and more extinct and household names like John and Kate Plus Hate will be panhandling on the streets of LA where I can make a point to drive by and spray muddy water on them just like they used to do in funny scenes ON T.V. SHOWS! I want reality t.v. and it’s sycophants to stay dead though, it’d be nice if the 49ers and Rams become competitive again. (49ers)

Jaded:  Speaking of 2013 reality TV focused around stars of the previous decade…anybody else think the Olsen Twins are due for a “last chance at public significance” Reality Deal somewhere in that time period?  We know Miley and that chick from the Wizards show are stealing their t’ween clothing line and cocaine is expensive…they have to do something.  Here’s hoping John Stamos sings the theme song.  (49ers)


Falcons @ Bucs
Jaded:  I’m warning you ahead of time, this is going to make no sense at all.  Feel free to start your Sunday with a mimosa if you’d like to try and follow along.  I digress.  These teams seem to have both had their ups and downs during the past decade, with each experiencing a drastic evolution along the way.  The Falcons rode the Michael Vick rollercoaster all the way to the NFC Championship before crashing and finding themselves with the number three pick a few years later.  (By the way, Michael Vick alone is a hell of a story over the past decade, but that’s too logical for me to use.)  The Bucs have also evolved from the Tampa-2 to whatever the hell Coach Morris is trying to implement now.  Bottom line, both teams are catching up with the rest of the world and trying to be dynamic and exciting teams and changing everything they’ve historically been before the year 2000 rolled around.  Tell me this isn’t indicative of the evolution the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon have made over the past ten years?  Gone are the days of Even Stevens and Are You Afraid of the Dark.  We’re now in the world of Hannah Montana and whatever show the younger Spears sister was on before she got pregnant at 16.  Point being, somewhere over the past ten years these networks changed their programming to chase down horny teenagers who would have left their networks demographic for MTV when we were t’weens.  Think about it, the Disney channel and Nickelodeon are now pop culture hot topics in a somewhat respectable form for ALL age groups.  I’m not going to admit I frequent those channels, but I heard through the grapevine Demi Lovato is getting her own show soon.  Just sayin’.  Told you this wouldn’t make any sense…  (Falcons)

Indignant: I’m considering not acknowledging Tampa Bay as a team until they bring back the Orange Sherbert jerseys. (Falcons)

Eagles @ Cowboys
Jaded:  I hate to ruin a perfectly good sample of useless nonsense by going political; but…I’m going political.  These teams are a pretty good example of the American political system over the past decade.  The Cowboys, much like what I imagine their owner to be, are the Republicans.  They obviously have the ritzy fan base, enough money to build billion dollar statements, and have dominated the media scene over the past ten years.  Much to the dismay of their Catholic, gay-bashing, tree-thrashing, tax-loathing fan base they have accomplished absolutely nothing with the spotlight on them.  (See where the analogy to the Republican Party comes in?)  Also, did anybody else realize they’re in danger of going the entire first decade of the century without winning a Playoff game?  It’s one thing to say they haven’t won one in thirteen years, but to tangibly label it as a decade has to make Jerry Jones angrier than having to check ‘no’ on Prop-8 every election year.  On the other end of the political spectrum is the Eagles, or the Democrats.  Granted, the Eagles don’t have a lot in common with the Donkeys other than the fact that they finished second a lot this decade; but the city of Philadelphia screams “Poor. Sooo poor.  Need help now.” to me loudly enough that I took notice.  Also, much like the Democrats the Eagles really haven’t taken the initiative when they’ve had the chance.  Can you tell I hate politics?  Vote Nader.  (Cowboys)

Indignant: Andy Reid looks like an end-of-level boss of some random 90’s video game I can’t think of. (Eagles)

Jaded:  P.S. Bowser, Kirby, Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man, The Man Who Ate Christmas, Snoooooorlax.  Take your pick.

Packers @ Cardinals
Indignant: The Cardinals burst onto the scene last year and won over a lot of hearts throughout the country who weren’t expecting to root for them. They’re still garnering some support this year, but could still easily fall into the one-year wonder category. This reminded me of how great rated R comedies like The Hangover (2009), Old School (2003) and Wedding Crashers (2005) can capture the movie industry during their respective summers. The whole media world was “abuzz” when these movies came out and you couldn’t even talk to someone who had seen it unless you had as well. They’d yell at you: “why haven’t you seen it yet?” Not many movies can capture the word of mouth buzz like really good, really raunchy comedies can. My question is this: Will The Hangover hold up better than the other two? I’m not saying they’re not re-watchable, because God knows they are. I just don’t think we remember quite how much buzz there was and how much excitement surrounded them, now that its 6-7 years later. In 2015 will we remember that The Hangover made almost $300 million and drummed up serious Oscar buzz? I doubt it. I also doubt we’ll remember the Cardinals being THAT team in 2015, when Larry Fitzgerald is playing in New England and Kurt Warner is rocking away his golden years. (Cardinals)

Jaded:
Let’s be honest, Indignant.  Ten years from now when we’re doing a recap of the next decade (assuming that whole 2012 thing doesn’t happen) two things are certain.  One, we STILL won’t have real jobs, notoriety, or any shred of internet success.  And two, Kurt Warner will STILL be a quarterback in the NFL.  He only gets better with age or something like that.  (Cardinals)

…Also, even if the 2012 thing does happen I’m convinced there’s a good chance Kurt Warner will somehow survive, rebuild the NFL from scratch, and play QB for a decent-to-good team. 

Saints @ Panthers
Indignant: This game represents a temporary shift. For most of the year the Saints were on top of the world and the Panthers were lying dead in the gutter. For the past couple weeks though, the Panthers have looked like the Super Bowl contenders and the Saints have laid turds against Dallas and Tampa Bay. Obviously this all goes bye-bye after this week; the Panthers go home and contemplate what to do with Jake and the Not-So Fantastic Mr. Fox and the Saints get a week off to prep for a second round game in their domed home. This game is kind of like how we let Dick Clark still be part of “his” New Years Eve celebration. We let him be all strokey on our t.v. once a year and pretend it’s not sad. As soon as it’s over though, we let Ryan Seacrest go back to hosting every show that garners 18 million viewers per second. Yes I just compared the Panthers to a recovering stroke patient who is given a small shimmer of his former glory once a year. Personally I think it fits like a glove. (Panthers)

Jaded:  A few more years like this and myself and the other closet Panthers fans are going to make Dick Clark look young.  He will outlive me, this I know.  (Panthers)


Ravens @ Raiders
Indignant: The “storied” Raiders franchise has only 3 winning seasons during the ten years of this decade. I could easily compare them to a large decrepit company like G.M. or even the war on terror or in the Middle East. For some reason I am feeling like I actually own a moral compass though, and it’s telling me those comparisons would be insensitive. Instead I’ll compare them to The Simpsons. The Simpsons was one of the funniest and most irreverent shows on television. It still gets respect as being great, even though it’s been a long time since it’s been interesting, relevant or anything more than chuckle-worthy. The Raiders still somehow carry an aura of greatness even though they’ve wallowed in mediocrity and below for a long long time. What I am trying to say, I guess, is that The Simpsons and the Raiders are both better “brands” than they are at what they’re actually supposed to do.
P.S. The other team involved in this game is from Baltimore, which is the setting of the best show of this decade and possibly ever: The Wire. (Ravens)

Jaded:  You call out The Simpsons but neglect the travesty that Family Guy has become?  How dare you… (Ravens)

Redskins @ Chargers
Jaded:  Since I’m losing steam and I still have a lot of games to pick, I figured I’d take the easy way out and talk about sports for once.  Every snap that Phillip Rivers takes in San Diego reminds me of how much sports (or possibly just my perception of them) have changed over the past decade.  Maybe it’s because I’m young, but it would have seemed strange to me if a number one pick would have refused to play for a team before the start of the century.  This decade has been filled with divas, opt-outs, no trade clauses, and just general poor sportsmanship from players making millions of dollars to throw and catch well…balls.  Maybe Keyshawn Johnson got the ball rolling in 1997 with “Just Give Me The Damn Ball!” maybe the prevalence of steroids in the athletic youth of so many of the professional athletes of today got it started, maybe it’s just because the internet makes it so easy to see all of this information and nothing is EVER kept in a locker room anymore.  Maybe I’m being naïve, but I certainly miss the days when I would have been in the dark about the fact that today is Jim Zorn’s last game coaching the Redskins.  Either way, drama in sports was at an all-time high this decade.  Who’s excited for the next ten years?  (Me, I was just being nice, I LOVE drama!)  (Chargers)

Indignant: Bold prediction for 2010 and beyond: Jason Campbell will be a consistent-playoff-game-winning quarterback. (Redskins)

Chiefs @ Broncos
Jaded: Just re-read the previous pick and pretend I'm talking about Larry Johnson and Brandon Marshall.  Also throw in Cutler and some witty remark about Twitter.  Writing is sooooo easy. (Broncos)

Indignant: No one mentions it, but the Broncos old uniforms should come back too. (Broncos)

Jaguars @ Browns
Indignant: It always makes me wonder how 4th rate cities like Jacksonville and Cleveland (you could include Kansas City, Cincinnati too) are allowed to still have NFL teams when they’re obviously not fit for it, and the teams aren’t showing any promise of being legitimately competitive any time soon either. It’s one of those things we all pretend we don’t notice and don’t care about. Have you ever seen the camera shots of the stands during a September Jaguars game? It looks like a scene from I am Legend. It’s really sad and depressing, but I usually just ignore it. It reminds me a lot of those Polar Bear commercials with the guy from E.R. or those Uber-depressing ASPCA commercials with that agonizing Sarah Mclachlan song. They get you depressed for about 11 seconds, but then you just go back to dripping queso sauce on your sweat-pants. My hopes for the new decade: 1. I can stop dripping cheese sauces on my sweat-pants. 2. We can save all the Polar Bears and the hairless dogs without interrupting me watching The Real World. 3. The N.F.L. should can at least 2 of the teams I named above and redistribute the players in a supplementary draft. (Jags)

Jaded:  Great idea, but would anybody in the league really want that draft?  You could make an argument that the first 5-8 picks would be fun but after that teams would probably rather have their eyes extrapolated with plastic sporks than take (and pay) some of those guys.  On the bright side, it might be fun to watch the NY fans in THAT draft.  They’re so brutal they might even boo the only chance the Jets had of getting a stud WR legitimately.  (Jags)


Titans @ Seahawks
Jaded:  Hello Seattle, meet the internet.  Sure the internet wasn’t exclusive to the past decade but it sure as hell caught fire somewhere around the inception of the century.  It wasn’t long before that I was paying AOL for each minute I was signed on.  Then, like magic, BOOM cable and DSL show up and the world changed.  Enter social networking sites, dating sites, blogs, fantasy football, and internet porn(!!).  The world changed when the internet got quick.  Speaking of quick, find me someone routing against Chris Johnson breaking Eric Dickerson’s record today and I’ll ask them how they’re related to Eric.  Face it, CJ, much like the internet, is the most exciting thing to happen in Tennessee sports since the Music City Miracle.  He makes an otherwise boring team really fun to watch.  He’s fast, he’s always on, and his highlights are really easily accessible.  Based on that I’ll start officially trying to figure out CJ’s pornstar name as soon the day is over. 

Indignant: I really hate the Titans jerseys. (Titans)

Bengals @ Jets
Jaded:  This preview has gone on too long and I’m out of things to say.  So let’s hope this game represents the future of the NFL.  This might be the last game we see of the NFL as we know it.  Next year could be uncapped and the following year might not even happen.  As much as I don’t see much ‘future’ in either line up I can still enjoy this game and the inevitable promos made up from memorable moments of the 2009 season.  I’m setting the over under for scenes in that recap involving the Bengals or Jets to 2.  (1 is the Week One Brandon Stokely play – and it’s a no brainer)  Regardless, here’s to the 2009 season and the money, sleep, and hours of productivity it cost me.  I love football.  (Jets)

Indignant: Still don’t know how hard the Bengals are actually going to try. If I were them I’d realize that losing eliminates the chance of seeing the Steelers for a third time and I wouldn’t even show up. (Jets)