What Tiger's Statement Really Means

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What Tiger's Statement Really Means

So El Tigre released a statement on his website (nice personal touch dude) saying he was taking some time off from a sport most consider to be a way of taking some time off from whatever they're doing.

Anyway, I felt like doing Tiger a favor and translated his constructed, PR, B.S. stuffed note with what he actually meant to say.

Now don't get me wrong, I am as BIG a fan of Tiger as anybody—case and point: when I graduated college last May I asked for an autographed picture of Tiger which still hangs on my wall.

However as I've been making pretty clear, this is the greatest tabloid story of all time, and couldn't have been given to us at a more perfect time with the Holidays around the corner.

So here's Tiger's statement, along with my translation.

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What's most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Translation:

So, apparently, driving my 9 iron down 11 different fairways didn’t sit so well with my smokin’ hot Swedish wife. My kids aren’t aware of it now, but when they’re old enough to appreciate all this, they’ll probably hate me too. I want to say once again how sorry I am for thinking I could get away with being so awesome and taking advantage of it. It may not be possible to fix this mess…in fact I really don’t see how my wife can forgive me after finding out I paid 15,000 dollars to get wild with some blonde who only slept with me after I convinced her I was Barack Obama. That being said, I’ll try and make it right.

I asked Kobe where he bought the 4 million dollar he ring he gave his wife after getting caught, but he hasn't gotten back to me. Come to think of it, he's probably putting the finishing touches on a new Gatorade flavor which his name on it after Gatorade took mine away from me…I’m thinking instead of Tiger: Focus, we'll be seeing “Kobe: Consent” on the shelves soon.

I would like to ask everyone, including anybody who was dumb enough to believe an addiction to sex is anything resembling an actual illness, as well as those sponsors who have come to their senses and realized they all need my name on their shirts and razors a lot more than I need them, for their understanding. Most importantly, I would like to ask everyone to give my family the privacy I’ve done everything in my power to sabotage. Come to think of it, that one’s on me. Oops.

After much soul searching, I have decided to stop playing golf for a while. Even though it was the only thing I did where my wife knew exactly where I was, and what I was doing (thank you, CBS), I need to focus on being a better father. I would have added better husband, but let’s be honest, I can't possibly turn into an even greater failure of a husband.

Again, I ask for privacy I’m sure my family and I have permanently kissed goodbye, and express my sympathy for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period. Compassion? Seriously? Save your compassion for somebody who deserves it, like the sponsors who pulled their ads from Jersey Shore.

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