The last Yankee ticker-tape parade I went to was in 1996. I was 16 years old and cannot recall a single thing about that day. Not a moment.
I have clearer memories of stuff that happened when I was five than what occurred on that afternoon in October.
Instead of braving the elements for an event I'd ultimately forget about, I opted to watch this year's parade telecast on NY1.
I only chose NY1's coverage because my Time Warner cable box annoyingly resets to this NYC-centric station each time I turn on the TV. Had I thought it out, I would've watched the proceedings on YES. I'm on a big Kim Jones kick right now, which I think has a lot to do with seeing her get doused with champagne on a regular basis for a month.
Creepy but honest. That's my motto in life.
ANYWAY, River & Sunset is here to answer all of your parade-related questions. In fact, I've pulled several of those queries out of my imaginary inbox. If you have any other questions, feel free to post them in the comment section.
By the way, the Yankees won the World Series. How sweet is that?
Okay, onto the questions...
Which float was the best?
I'd probably have to give it to the Derk Jeter/Jorge Posada rig. Jeter was looking cool as always, rocking his trademark fade haircut from 1996. His sunglasses seemed to be an artifact of the Clinton Administration as well. He may have been listening to The Presidents Of The United States of America on his Discman.
Meanwhile, Charles Jeter, giving Billy Dee Williams a run for his money for the title of America's most debonair black man, was on the float with his better half, Dorothy. Girlfriend Minka Kelly was also on board, unknowingly risking her life with all those crazy-in-love Staten Island and Bronx chicks staring her down the whole time. All I could think was JFK in Dallas.
Which float had the highest net worth?
Had to be the CC Sabathia/Mark Teixeira float. $341 million buys a lot of toilet paper. And judging by Tex's wife, a Maryland dime piece.
Where was the best place to watch the parade?
On your couch.
What is ticker-tape?
So easy. It's, like, tape...that's...tickered. You didn't know that?
Who was the biggest dork?
Alex Rodriguez, obviously. This was as surprising as the failure of an Eddie Murphy vehicle.
A-Rod, fresh off his Biggest Dork Award from Wednesday's World Series trophy presentation ("Now we're gonna party!!!!" ), again came strong with the dork vibe on Friday.
Traveling down the Canyon of Heroes with Jay-Z (nobody has a better life than Jay-Z), A-Rod repeatedly flashed the rapper's signature diamond hand sign. At one point, Jay-Z looked over at A-Rod gesturing to the crowd and chuckled.
I knew exactly what he was thinking.
Which float was most in need of Visine and Doritos?
The ride containing Johnny Damon and Nick Swisher, of course. I could have sworn I saw Matthew McConaghey at one point. Jerry Hairston, Jr. was there, too, presumably to serve as the designated driver.
Which float was the weakest?
Hmmmmm...well World Series MVP Hideki Matsui got the Montreal Screw Job, partnered up with pinstripe legends Eric Hinske and Ramiro Pena.
Hey organizers, was Lee Gutterman not available?
That said, the Yankees grounds crew also got their own float, which just pisses me off. Although it would be a fun drinking game to keep a camera on the crew to see how many times they tried and failed to get a 'YMCA' chant going.
Did Michael Kay really get his own Cadillac to ride down the Canyon of Heroes?
Yes! And he got a key to the city during the City Hall proceedings, too!
Michael Kay has a Hank Steinbrenner sex tape, I'm convinced of it.
I didn't see Don Mattingly's float. Where was he?
I wish upon you swine flu crossed with SARS crossed with full-blown AIDS.
I know, you're probably guessing John Sterling. But it was actually his radio partner, Suzyn Waldman.
Black, leather and hugging tight in all the wrong places. Let's just move on.
Who looked the most depressed on a float?
That would be Chien-Ming Wang, who tore every tendon in his body while waving to the crowd.
Who looked the most uncomfortable during Jay-Z's performance of 'Empire State of Mind' at City Hall?
That would be Hal Steinbrenner, whose perfectly-coiffed head appeared to be filled with racist thoughts.
Who was the best dressed?
That would be the Cisco Kid, Francisco Cervelli. A suave cream-colored suit straight out of Scarface . Melky Cabrera was rocking a pretty cool fedora, but it just made him look like a teddy bear wearing a funny hat.
Who had the most clearly made-up nicknames for Mariano Rivera?
That would be NY1's sports anchor Tom McDonald, who called Rivera both the "Ice Man" and "King of Close". This is why you're on NY1, Tom.