Your Bleacher Report Sports Horoscope

Jim CantrellSenior Analyst IJune 3, 2008

Aries (Mar 21 -Apr 19)

Concentration becomes difficult today. You may find your mind wandering. Don't be surprised if you are watching an NBA Finals game and begin to wonder which of the three officials has the most money on the series.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Emotions will get the better of common sense today. Don't worry if you feel that euthanizing a horse on the racetrack is inhumane, but euthanizing Kyle Bush the next time he pushes someone into the wall is not.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

Life is very hectic right now. It may seem like you are always in the path of fast moving objects. To get relief, stand on home plate the next time the Kansas City Royals are pitching.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)

A feeling of self-righteous pity has overtaken you for several weeks. Hold your breath and stomp your feet and complain about how unfair life is. Then stop acting like Brian Urlacher and get on with your life.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Frivolity is the name of the game today. Plan to do something you have never done before and never will again. How about taking in a Stanley Cup Finals hockey game?

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Your mental and physical dexterity are at their peak today. Feel free to test yourself. Steal a chicken wing off of Tony Siragusa's plate.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

There is a nagging feeling at the back of your mind that Mike Shanahan hates you. Do not let it bother you. He does.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

You may be tempted to do something foolish that you will regret later. Avoid seeing George Clooney's crapfest "Leatherheads".

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

The stars are aligned to bring you fame and fortune. Yell a racial epithet at Tiger Woods on national television and later, explain to Oprah that you were channeling Jimmy the Greek.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

It is time to break away from all your worries and stop obsessing about hygiene. Borrow Manny Ramirez's batting helmet and wear it for half an hour.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

A loud spectacle is needed to jar you out of your ho-hum lifestyle. Challenge Maria Sharapova to a tennis match on a clay court and watch the fireworks fly. (Do not invite David Stern.)

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Looking at the astrological charts, it is apparent that the planets revolve around the sun, and not around any one person. Call Keith Olbermann and break the news to him gently.