The Definitive Ranking of Patrice Evra's Best Instagram Posts

Footballers and social media can make for complicated bedfellows. For every legendary Wayne Rooney or Victor Wanyama tweet, there is Saido Berahino getting himself into all sorts of bother with West Bromwich Albion or Morgan Schneiderlin throwing his toys very publicly out of the pram.

But the whole affair is made worth it by one man. One man who strides the social media landscape like a Colossus, with a very special brand of #content.

He is one of the planet's biggest Manchester United fans and just so happens to have played for them 379 times at left-back for Sir Alex Ferguson's last great side.

As will come as no surprise to other United fans who remember him as fondly for his personality as his on-pitch performances, in spite of being in the content game for far less time than many of his colleagues, Patrice Evra is just the best at this stuff.

So, let's take on a Herculean feat of ranking his finest output, making tough choice after tough choice to decide which of these magnificent slices of social media magic is the best of them all.

Before we do, a couple of unranked honourable mentions, without which no analysis of this material would be complete.

Patrice Evra's Instagram has a video of Ji-sung Park confirming that this really is Evra's account in Korean. Because just occasionally the world can still be a truly beautiful place.

It's the caption that makes it. It's a pretty great video, with Evra taking up a role behind the camera and his delighted laugh heard over the Senegalese sounds accompanying a puppet Mickey Mouse dancing.

Evra loved it so much he tagged it "Mickey in Senegal? *crying laughing emoji, the signifier of true joy* THE BEST#funny"

Hashtag funny, indeed.

The first appearance of "I love this game!" Evra's ongoing catchphrase. Also notable as the caption features the words, "Rio i Know you like my move ahahahha." We all do, Patrice, we all do.

The Dancing Subset 

Evra has absolutely incredible moves. Better even than puppet Mickey Mouse. Whether the rhythms are Cuban or African, Evra is in lockstep, never afraid to show what he can do. And what he can do is good.

Here is a video of Evra with his face painted like a tiger holding a small pig. He makes it clear he is doing it for his daughter, but it's hard not to suspect he is also doing it for the views. At least a little bit.

And because one Mickey Mouse puppet dancing video is never enough...

Oh look, it's Park's mum playing in Patrice's fancy car.

"In the middle of the sea, in a Jacuzzi, oh my God, wow!"

If you're going to make incredibly baller videos about your incredibly baller lifestyle, then at least have the good grace to make your appreciation for your good fortune evident. Evra does this with aplomb.

He is not too cool for school, he's not trying to pretend this isn't awesome. He's full of enthusiastic joy. As he should be. He's in the middle of the sea in a Jacuzzi.

Ok, enough delaying, enough time spent delighting in the minor works. It is time to address the classics. 

First off, in fifth place:

What better way to welcome Gonzalo Higuain to Juventus than a table tennis/choreographed dance party with your kids on Instagram? There simply is not better way. It cannot be done better than this.

And in fourth: 

How do you start out this strong? Other than his—and Park's—welcome videos, the first proper video he posted was this masterpiece.

Featuring Paul Pogba and Mario Lemina on accompanying back-up vocals, Evra celebrates winning yet another piece of silverware in the Juventus dressing room after the Copa Italia victory over AC Milan with some pretty fire bars.

"My favourite question?" he asks. "What am I going to do with all these trophies?" he responds—it rhymes in French. It's a heck of a statement of intent.

Here is Evra, revelling in the phenomenal success of his career. The French League Cup with Monaco, five Premier League titles at United, a Champions League title, two Serie A titles and a couple of Coppa Italias with Juventus. No wonder he is running out of room for his trophies.

And, as he rightly says, it merits some respect.

Pogba's presence here is noteworthy—a start as you mean to go on move from the two who have gone on to form quite the double act since...

In third spot:

Technically part of the dancing subset, this one is special.

"Hey look!" goes our first thought. "Uncle Pat's put a video of a dancing panda on his Insta! Ha, classic Uncle Pat" goes our second. "Wait a minute...that panda's got some moves...wait...it can't be...is it? IT IS!"

The panda is Uncle Pat. Uncle Pat is the panda. Not only a moment of beautiful, dadaist brilliance, but also a salient, serious anti-racist message at a time when it is desperately needed.

The caption reads

"Be like my panda!!! I m black ,white,asian and chubby !! SAY NO TO RACISM !!! Who wants to be a panda ??? I love this game hahahahahahahahah ps after this video you can t be racist..."

We love you, Uncle Pat.     

In second place:

Are you struggling with a lack of joy in your life? It's a fate that befalls us all at some point. Here, in just over 30 seconds, is a brief injection of undiluted happiness.

It's slice of life, fly-on-the-wall film making at its finest. International footballing megastar Paul Pogba adopts the role of documentarian to capture Evra in all his glory. We open on a hotel corridor with a sense of mystery building. Where are we? Who are we with?

Our questions are soon answered. Pogba turns the camera on himself, revealing his oh-so-familiar face. But what is he up to? "Let's check what Uncle Pat is doing."

First off, a moment to describe just how perfect a nickname Uncle Pat, or "Tonton Pat" in French, is.

Evra has a seniority to most of those around him, but he is much more fun uncle than father figure. After all, it's your fun but respected uncle who learns Korean to be able to chat more effectively with his best mate. It's your fun but respected uncle who makes not one but two Mickey Mouse dancing videos for his Instagram.

Back to the video. Pogba turns the camera to face forward again, revealing Evra's name on the door. "He's here!" he says, like an excited child. The door creaks open—perfect foley work. "Uncle Pat?" asks Pogba.

The camera finds Evra, propped up statesmanlike in bed, reading The Mindful Brain by Daniel J Siegel. At just the right moment, when he is perfectly framed, Evra looks up, annoyed by the disturbance, makes eye contact with the camera lens and kisses his teeth.

Pogba's giggle belies the ruse. Evra manages to go a beat before he breaks. A smile plays on his lips and he declares, "I love this game." 

It's a work of art.

This article is about the videos, so presented by way of an interlude, a picture of Patrice Evra dressed as a knight because...

No, there's no because. 

OK, with that palate cleanser out of the way, it's time for number one. Evra's place in the France squad during the latest international break was not something he could take for granted. Indeed, he was only called up to replace the injured Layvin Kurzawa for Les Bleus.

How did he celebrate?

Oh, you know, no biggie, just a duet with Paul Pogba to Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On," directed at the national team shirt. Of course, this being Evra and Pogba, it was not quite that simple.

Evra begins alone in the frame, just him and his shirt. He gets the words slightly wrong, but we're not going to hold that against him. Then, just as the groove starts, well, grooving, Pogba makes his entrance, from a well placed door at the top of a flight of stairs.

It has a real 1970s-televised-variety-performance-of-a-famous-pop-song vibe to it. The two men then sing and dance together, sharing the moment. And what a moment it is.

Before this magnificence ends, Evra takes time to look at the shirt, with pure love in his eyes. It is surreal, and sort of wonderful, and worthy of the hard-won No. 1 spot here. 

And what better way to end this than with a video wherein the Instagram artist himself says "when you look at my Insta, I want you to feel happy"?

Mission accomplished.