Hendrick Conspiracy Uncovered

Tom ThomasonCorrespondent IOctober 5, 2009

INDIANAPOLIS - JULY 26:  (2nd L-R) Chandra Johnson, Jimmie Johnson, driver of the #48 Lowe's/KOBALT Tools Chevrolet, celebrates with crew chief Chad Knaus and team owner Rick Hendrick after winning the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Allstate 400 at the Brickyard at Indianapolis Motor Speedway on July 26, 2009 in Indianapolis, Indiana.  (Photo by John Harrelson/Getty Images for NASCAR)

Breaking News: From the B/R  Horse-manure  team comes this shocking report;


State Dept officials announced today that they are launching an investigation into what appears to be a conspiracy at Hendrick motor sports.

The US district Attorney is looking into allegations that HMS owner Rick Hendrick has been instructing his employees to keep Dale Earnhardt Jr behind the eight ball. The list of offenses varies from giving Earnhardt old and inferior equipment to   deliberate mistakes made by crew members on pit-road.

The latest example was on Sunday's race at Kansas. Earnhardt passed team-mate Mark Martin and actually led for about 40 laps after a couple early cautions. An UN-named source confessed that Martin was so angry with Earnhardt for taking the lead, that he yelled expletives to his crew-chief while reminding everyone that "Junior Ain't even in the bleepity bleepin chase"!

Car owner Rick Hendrick immediately instructed Earhardt's crew chief to "slow Jr down a bit". Within minutes a caution came out and a crew member appeared to forget one of Jr's Lug nuts. Apparently, Hendrick has pledged his total and complete obedience to mark Martin and Jimmie Johnson for the foreseeable future.

Johnson and Martin made it clear earlier this week that they would not tolerate any further disobedience form Nascar either. Nascar had to incur the Hendrick wrath last weekend when they dared question if their cars were within specifications.

Nascar was given a warning from Johnson and Martin to never challenge their supremacy again. Adding that any further acts of insolence would come with swift penalties and fines against the France family.

The investigation has also revealed that Hendrick has been conspiring with IRl driver Danica Patrick to take over Dale Jr's ride by 2011 or 2012. Apparently, the plan was to siphon millions of dollars from Jr's many sponsors while keeping him near the bottom of the standings.

It was revealed today in the news that Patrick would be driving for Hendrick and Earnhardt on a limited basis next year to get her feet wet. Coincidentally, her new IRL contract ends about the same time as Earnhardt's. Leaving the door open for Danica to take over jr's team around 2012.

Naturally, Earnhardt would be willing to leave quietly after sucking so badly for a few years. Earnhardt's sponsors will be more then happy to jump on the sexy Patrick  to try and recover lost sponsorship dollars from their Earnhardt Jr losses.

Rick Hendrick was unavailable for comment but, his spokesperson stated that none of the reports were true after some strange pictures have surfaced on the internet of the car owner kneeling in front of a golden alter made in the Image of Jimmie Johnson.

Reports also surfaced today that the real reason Tony Eury Jr was fired was because he discovered the truth and refused his punishment from Hendrick. Said punishment  would have consisted of being Mark MArtin's cabana boy until he learned his lesson. The position was later filled by Jeff Gordon.

Once again, this is Tom Thomason with the Bleacher Reports' "Totally made up crap" division. Please stay tuned in the future more completely false and ridiculous non-news ...