Gainesville, FL – The college football world was turned upside down last Friday, when the USA Today Coach’s Poll was made public. In a shocking turn of events, Florida was not a unanimous choice for the number-one slot this preseason.
The mighty Gators got an embarrassing 53 of 59 possible first place votes, meaning six coaches did not think Florida was the best team in the nation. Other teams that received votes were Texas (4), Oklahoma (1), and Southern California (1).
Students held an all-night vigil on campus Friday night, hoping that the delinquent coaches would change their mind. When that didn’t work, some students decided to transfer to another school.
Phil Brumberg, a 20-year-old accounting major, told reporters, “Yea, I applied to Mount Union today… the business school isn’t that great, but they are always champs in football. I mean, I just hate that the media and everything don’t respect the Gators. I’m just sick of it.”
While some chose to run away, others have been driven to action.
Lawrence Clouser, a freshman, is going to pursue a career in politics, stating, “The whole system is so corrupt, I think I can be the change… like Obama.”
When asked what his platform would be he responded, “Gators baby, Gators.”
Students are not the only ones aghast at this slighting. Urban Meyer brought the team together for a closed door meeting Saturday morning. It is unclear as to what exactly was said, but Meyer addressed the media at an emergency press conference Saturday afternoon:
"It is disappointing that the coaches feel this way. But we are going to use this as motivation and just prove it on the field. If we cant get respect by what we have done in the past, we will just have to move forward. The University of Florida and The Gator Nation will be resilient and you can count on us being a unanimous number one in the 2010 preseason poll."
The real question buzzing in the college football world is who would dare vote anyone else at the top?
“Well, coaches can vote for their own team so I can understand that. It’s dumb, but I understand. Those other three coaches are gonna pay, though,” said middle linebacker, Brandon Spikes as he devoured a two-pound steak at Gator Corner dining hall.
Indeed, as Spikes so eloquently put it, Mack Brown (Texas), Bob Stoops (Oklahoma) and Pete Carroll (USC), likely hold three of those six votes.
Other suspects are Charlie Weis of Notre Dame and Lane Kiffin of Tennessee.
Weis reportedly got his feelings hurt when rumors circulated that Notre Dame may be pursuing Urban Meyer to replace him. Kiffin, who is an all-around moron to begin with, may have just done it for kicks and giggles. Finally, reports are stating that the third offender may be Joe Paterno, whose plexiglas spectacles would make it impossible for him to read the small font on the ballot.Paterno has gone on record in the past saying, “Ive been christmas tree-ing it for years anyways.”
Regardless of who cast the outrageous votes, the damage has extended from the psyche to the physical. Upon hearing the news, junior safety Major Wright gave himself a concussion while running back Emmanuel Moody slammed his fist on his desk and promptly re-injured his ankle.
When team leader, senior quarterback Tim Tebow, was finally reached for comment, he looked as if he had seen a ghost. Tebow quickly composed himself, stared directly into the sun, and began saying, “You will not see any player play as hard as I will play…”
Yea, tell it to the coaches.
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