Cleveland Indians Quarterly Report Card

The Cleveland Indians finished the first quarter of the MLB season at 21-19 Wednesday, after C. C. Sabathia blanked the Oakland Athletics, 2-0, tossing a complete-game, five-hit, 11-strikeout shutout.

The fragile Tribe offense managed only five hits of their own, but one was a leadoff homer by Grady Sizemore and another was a solo poke by Ryan Garko. It is the first real measuring stick of the season, so it's time to hand out first quarter grades to the Erie Warriors, explaining them to each member of the team personally.

Eric Wedge - Manager: C

You are only as good as your record, and the fact your Indians are only 21-19 is disappointing. I know you can't hit for or force the offense to take a better approach at the plate, but you need to find a way to convey the message to your team. You did it last year; you need to do it again. You do deserve some credit for not letting the team fall into oblivion with the offense being so poor.

Rafael Betancourt - RP: C-

I know you were thrust into the closer's role and that is not your comfort zone. I didn't expect you to be as dominant as you were in 2007, but an ERA of 6.89 and 21 hits in 15.2 innings is awful. You're lucky I only gave you a C-minus.

Joe Borowski - RP: D-

Your performance was terrible, but that's not why you get a D-minus. If you are hurt and you know it, then sit the hell down. The fact you tried to pitch with the condition your arm was in is embarrassing, you jackass. That being said, I hope you heal up and become an asset, as the bullpen has been somewhat shaky since your departure. I threw up a little in my mouth after I typed that.

Craig Breslow - RP: Incomplete

I am trying to figure out if you are still on the team. I thought the situational lefty pitched like one-third of an inning in 80 games, not two innings every two weeks in a blowout. The starters have been so good you haven't been called upon in the clutch yet.

Paul Byrd - SP: B-

Those first two starts had me freaked out, but you rebounded. I hope it's because you are a crafty veteran and not because you got a new prescription from your dentist.

Fausto Carmona - SP: B+

The only reason you are not getting an A is because you are walking 6.47 batters per nine innings. It's not cold anymore; you can't use the excuse of not being able to grip the balls properly anymore. Yes, I said grip the balls. Grip the balls better.

Jorge Julio - RP: C+

You started off shaky, but have settled down. Still, you only pitch in blowouts and that only counts for so much.

Masa Kobayashi - RP: A

I like the way Uncle Eric has slowly worked you into crunch time. You may end the season as the closer if Borowski is unsteady and Betancourt continues to struggle. A record of 2-0 with one save and a 1.93 ERA, the best number of all...Zero appearances in any Japanese alternative lifestyle films. Outstanding.

Aaron Laffey - SP: B

You would be 3-0 if the team could score more than zero runs in a game. Sorry. Keep pitching like this and the team may deal someone else to get a bat and you into the rotation. Or the team may deal you...I prefer the former.

Cliff Lee - SP: A+

Seven starts, 6-0 record, 0.67 ERA, 53.2 IP, 32 hits, 4 ER, 4 BB, 44 K. Words don't do you justice. Neither does zero runs in a game to cost you a 7-0 record.

Jensen Lewis - RP: B-

You've lowered your ERA from 5.06 to 2.95 in the last three weeks. Kudos. You had me worried in April.

Tom Mastny - RP: Incomplete

Thanks for the two-game cameo. Even better, you pitched like poo and got demoted. Have fun in Buffalo and get your head out of your ass.

Rafael Perez - RP: C

You also have had a good three weeks, lowering your ERA from 6.52 to 3.78. The team needs you to return to full 2007 form. Please do.

C. C. Sabathia - SP: B

You get a B because you decided to throw almost a month of BP before reverting back to Cy Young form.  Look at all the National Media bashing you were exposed to during that time and you pitch in Cleveland.  Imagine how much worse it would be if you worked in say, New York?  Cleveland is a very nice place, huh?  Hint, hint, nudge, nudge...

Jeremy Sowers - SP: Incomplete

You had a very nice one-game cameo and have another coming up Friday. Take advantage of it. See my comments about "The Joker," Aaron Laffey, above. I have a hunch you may be the one that may be traded.

Jake Westbrook - SP: A-

You were brilliant in the spring and were great once the season started, then you got hurt. Luckily, The Joker has picked up where you left off, but I am always nervous when a pitcher comes off the DL. Heal up. We need your moxie.

Victor Martinez - C: B

You are the leader of the team and its heart and soul, as well. But the cleanup hitter has to have more than zero home runs. I don't like zeroes when it comes to offense. We need you to pick this offense up mi amigo—badly. You're my favorite player, help a brother out!

Kelly Shoppach - C: C+

Great backup catcher. I love how you call a game, but you have had some really awful at-bats lately. Really, really awful.

Casey Blake - 3B: B-

You lead the team in RBI and are hitting .223 while batting NINTH! NINTH!I have to give you a B-minus just because you are the only guy who can hit with runners in scoring position. And you're Casey Blake! You're Casey F'n Blake!

Asdrubal Cabrera - 2B/SS: D

If this were all heart, effort and defense you'd get an A. But your "O" has been so bad it's killing us. You were the sparkplug last year, and this year you are a rally killer. I am not calling you "The As-Man" anymore until you start living up to the coolness of the nickname instead of demeaning it. Come on, you're The As-Man, dammit!

Jamey Carroll - IF: B

You can't hit, but you're spunky; I like that. That's spunky, not sparky. Sparky is Clark W. Grizwold's pet name his wife Ellen calls him.

Ryan Garko - 1B: C-

You came out like gangbusters, and now you are mired in the first prolonged slump you've had in quite some time. We need you to figure it out and be an RBI-machine. Two homers in the last two games is a nice start.

Andy Marte - 3B: Incomplete

What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to get some quality P.T. so we can see what you can do? Do you have pictures of Mark Shapiro or Uncle Eric with a donkey or something, because I can not figure out why you are here.

Jhonny Peralta - SS: D

I'll keep it simple. You are not a great defender for a SS. Because of this, you need to hit. You are swinging at high heat and breaking stuff away—not good, Jhonny. Not good.

David Dellucci - OF: B

You're David F'N Dellucci and I have to give you a B because at least you get hits. They may not always be productive, but some of them are and it helps. "The Looch" is hitting .245, and I gave hit a B. I want to punch myself in the face.

Ben Francisco - OF: Incomplete

You're here now, thankfully, and have been a bit of a catalyst. I wish they'd play you a little bit more so we can see how you handle the day-to-day grind.

Franklin Gutierrez - OF: C-

You are sick on "D," but the league has adjusted to you at the plate. We badly need you to adjust back.

Grady Sizemore - OF: A-

You are the only one who has been alive at the plate all year. You lead the team with seven home runs from the leadoff spot. That tells you the state of the offense. You are well on your way to Gold Glove No. 2. The only reason you got an A-minus is that you are still striking out too much (despite improving) and only hitting .179 versus lefties. To be elite, that has to improve.

Jason Tyner - OF: Incomplete

And you are...And you're here to see...About what?...Have a seat, he'll be with you in a moment.

Travis Hafner - DH: F

You unfairly get blamed for all the Indians' offensive woes. No one is hitting, and the runs have been hard to come by. But the fact is, the Indians were a semi-juggernaut offensively from 2004 to 2006 when you were dialed in. If you just come within 75 pecent of that production, with this pitching staff I can only imagine what the Tribe would be capable of. But you are the DH and hitting .218 with three homers and 18 RBI. Your on-base percentage is .316 and you're slugging only .346. You are only hitting .190 at home. Your at-bats are painful to watch. You look lost. Balls you used to crush are whiffed at, weakly grounded to the infield or lightly popped up. I don't know what is wrong with you, but you are the keystone. With you as the catalyst, this offense runs smoothly. We've seen how it runs when you are dormant. Help out Pronk, you're the only hope.

It's Tribe Time Now. Believeland.