Sasha Vujacic's Jump Shot Reported Missing: Authorities Continue Search (Satire)
Sasha Vujacic’s jump shot has officially been reported missing. Apparently authorities have been quietly searching for the shot since January of 2009.
6'7" shooting guard Sasha Vujacic born March 8th, 1984 in Maribor, Slovenia. His jump shot was last seen consistently in the 2007-08 season. The last eyewitness report of the jumper was June 10th, 2008 during Game Three of the NBA Finals versus the Celtics. In this game Vujacic hit 7-of-10 field goals including 3-of-5 from three point range, for 20 points. Since that game the exact whereabouts of Vujacic’s jump shot are unknown.
This is not the first time the shot has gone missing. Vujacic, formerly referred to by Coach Phil Jackson as the "11 O’Clock Shooter" because the jumper would be automatic at the 11 AM Laker shoot arounds but the jump shot would not show up to the actual games.
Something clicked in the 2007-08 season. Similar to Cesar Millan, (aka “The Dog Whisperer”) coming to your house and getting your dog to behave, someone or something must have whispered something to Sasha because all of the sudden the jump shot started to behave during the games. The shot fell so much that a nick name “The Machine” was bestowed upon him, although he may have made it up himself.
Rumors abound but here are a few I found interesting.
Theory No. 1: Jump Shot cream
I have a source that works in a Bay Area Laboratory who told me there was a new experimental cream that helps you improve your jump shot and Sasha was chosen to try out this substance to see if it would enhance his performance. The experiment was going great during the 2007-08 season but the company was shut down because of some investigation and something called the Mitchell Report. The company stopped all production of the shooting cream right around the start of the 2008-09 season, right around the time Vujacic's shot turned up missing.
Theory No. 2: The Machine is a Machine
Some conspiracy theorists have discussed the possibility that the Sasha Vujacic seen on the court in 2007-08 was not really Sasha Vujacic but instead an android or "robot Sasha" that Laker owner Jerry Buss paid millions to a Japanese robotics company to engineer and as an inside joke Buss would call this robot Sasha “the Machine”, while he kept the real Sasha locked away in a secret location. Apparently the parts and maintenance of “the Machine” where quite expensive and during the 2008 NBA Finals our sources tell us that "robot Sasha" blew a head gasket. Head gasket’s being expensive and with “the Machine” now no longer under warranty Buss has refused to pay to fix the android.
Theory No. 3: Alien Game Abduction
Some have suggested there is evidence to prove that aliens abducted Sasha’s jump shot and there are small numbers of these aliens living among us that seem to be drawn to professional sports and have to power to inhabit one's body and steal your game.
This is not the first time an athlete’s game has been rumored to have been abducted by an alien. Some of the more publicized cases of athletes whose game disappeared were St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Rick Ankiel, former New York Yankee Chuck Knoblauch, and the Orlando Magic’s Nick Anderson.
Local and federal authorities have debunked this conspiracy theory but there could be a cover up going on.
Authorities say they are close to finding Sasha Vujacic’s jump shot, but if you have any leads or information regarding the whereabouts of this jump shot please report it. Laker Nation is worried sick about it’s well being.
Any information that leads to the recovery of Sasha Vujacic’s jump shot will be met with a sizeable reward from Laker owner Jerry Buss, but the longer you take to come to the table with the info, Buss reserves the right to lower the amount of money you will get—just ask Lamar Odom.
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