Hey San Diego Padres, I Think We Need To Talk

Olaf BerserkusCorrespondent IApril 30, 2008

Let me start off by saying it's not you, it's me.  I'm the one having the problems this year.  I've apparently put lofty expectations on you that I never should have. 

I never should have expected you guys to hit the ball.  I just thought for once, since you guys are professionals and you get paid to do this, you guys could at least make contact.  But no, it was my fault.  It's just who you are.  You're not Chase Utley (.364/10/21) or Chipper Jones (.432/8/21).  You're Josh Bard (.214/0/3) and Jim Edmonds (.164/1/6).  I guess I can't be upset with everyone though.  At least you do have two players hitting over .300.  Unfortunately they're Jake Peavy and Justin Germano, your ace and fifth starter, respectively.  

I never should have expected the bullpen to remain the tops in baseball.  Sure, you guys play in a cavernous park, and there haven't been any changes in the makeup of the pen since Scott Linebrink was let go, but it was my fault to expect you guys would remain at least number two in the NL in terms of bullpen ERA like you guys have been for the past three years.

I think maybe it's time we started seeing other people.  Arizona is young in almost every position and you know how much I like youth.  Not as much as Roger Clemens but still, I do love it.  Or maybe I could hook up with the Phillies.  They play in a bandbox and lead the league in home runs.  Chicks dig the long ball and so do I.  The Cubs are batting .281 as a team right now and that is best in the NL.  You can't win unless you hit the ball and I don't even know if you guys realise that is the point of the game.  I might even give the San Fransisco Giants a pity date.  They lead the league in stolen bases and speed on the basepaths in a huge turn on.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't think we're right for each other any more.  We're going in different directions in our lives.  I'm a winner.  That is what I do in life.  Winning is numero uno.  You guys on the other hand aren't winners.  That's not a bad thing though.  There are plenty of people out there who aren't winners either like Barry Zito and the Texas Rangers.  Surprisingly, the Rangers are even worse than you guys right now.

Maybe some day down the road we'll be able to get back together.  We've been together for so long it's hard to remember what it was like before you.  I'll miss those sand and blue uniforms and that beautiful ballpark.  Perhaps when I've matured a little and don't have such lofty expectations of what my team should achieve during the season, such as winning the division, or getting the wildcard, or not losing a 22 inning game at home, maybe then we could get back together.

Until then all I can say is don't try to call me or write me.  Just respect my decision and my space.  And, if we get invited to the same social functions, please don't try and hang out with our mutual friends.  They were mine first.