Billy Beane Is an Omnipotent Baseball God

The more extreme your opinions tend to be, the bigger the crow you’re going to eat when you’re wrong. And let me tell you, my opinions are extreme. If a normal opinion is likened to a casual bike ride along a lakeside path, my opinions are a rocket powered street luge doing a back flip over a tank of giant squid that have been genetically crossbred with electric eels. And that’s on a Sunday.

Before the season started I called up all my friends in Northern California to laugh at how awful the A’s were going to be. Boy, did I laugh right in their faces (through the phone). They’d respond with, “Our starting pitching is pretty good. Rich Harden is…” and I’d burst into a fit of laughter at the pure thought of Rich Harden starting more than 10 games, let alone the A’s finishing with a winning record.

It’s now almost May and the A’s are second in the whole league with 17 wins and a .630 win-percentage. I’m perfectly aware of how long the season is and very aware of the A’s track record of collapsing mid-way through the season, but it’s still shocking nonetheless. The worst part about them winning is now I have to suck it up and acknowledge that I literally know nothing about baseball and Billy Beane is god’s gift to economically efficient baseball teams. Who would have thought the fire sale that was the A’s 2007-2008 off-season could end up as one of the most successful groups of scrappy, rag-tag no-names that the modern MLB era has ever seen (even for the A’s)? Oh yeah, Billy Beane knew:

Starting Line-up:

C Kurt Suziki ­ - Now what does Shane Victornio have to live for if he isn’t the only Hawaiian in the MLB?

1B Daric Barton - Converted from catcher, part of the Mulder trade and weirdest spelling of ‘Derrick’ I’ve ever seen.

2B Mark Ellis – Everyone’s heard of him before, it’s just no one cares.

SS Bobby Crosby – The most well known player on the A’s who coincidently is one of the most over hyped players in the last 10 years.

3B Jack Hannahan – His nickname in Detroit was “Jack Hann-a-who?” and it still stands until Eric Chavez gets off the DL.

LF Jack Cust – Infamous for his 6 HR in his first 7 games with the A’s last year followed by striking out a league leading 41.5% of the time.

CF Ryan Sweeney – Former White Sox top prospect that came in the Swisher trade. At least they finally got rid of ole 3-year $29 million Mark Kotsay.

RF Emil Brown – His neck is as big as a tree trunk. And for the 2005-2007 season, he was the Royals best hitter, which is about as impressive as the tallest building in Sioux Falls, South Dakota: not at all. Oh, and while in the KC clubhouse he shot a reporter in the eye with a BB gun which makes him A-OK in my book.

Pitching Rotation:

SP Joe Blanton and 4 other dudes – Billy Beane will always have the best up and coming pitchers in the game and then sell them at their peak for more up and comers. Their abilities will range from fantastical to almost mind blowing.

RP Huston Street and 5 other dudes with less stamina than a SP – Their bullpen has been filled with nameless assassins since Beane became GM. Upon entering the A’s bullpen, they are imbued with magical pitching powers left by Catfish Hunter’s ghost.

They probably won’t win the World Series (read: will not), but they’re still competitors in what Beane and many writers consider a rebuilding year. And they haven’t even brought up their top prospect, Carlos Gonzalez, who was the centerpiece of the Dan Haren trade. I can only imagine how good they will be in a bigger, nicer stadium and closer to a market that actually appreciates them (San Jose population 929,936). I don’t think it’s improbable to say that within the next ten years, the A’s could be dominating with the big boys like Boston, New York, and Los Angeles.

There. I admitted I was wrong. Are all you A’s fans happy now?

– Burns at Chatterbalks.com