Phillies-Padres: I Have a Good Joke For You

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Phillies-Padres: I Have a Good Joke For You
(Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

Here’s a joke: a South Korean walks into a ballpark…


That's so mean!


Now, I like to keep score but in the seventh inning last night when I heard Chan Ho Park was coming to the mound, I grabbed a brand new sheet of paper. Lucky for me I had plenty of space to record his accomplishments:


A single, a single, a K, a pop fly, and then a walk to load the bases. Then he allowed an RBI single to raise the stakes. And as if walking in another run wasn’t bad enough, Park faced the NL co-player of the week, Adrian Gonzalez, with the bases still loaded. 


Gonzalez had already hit a homer for the fourth consecutive game, so when he stepped to the plate, my son said: “Whoop, there he is.”


I guess walking in another run and topping that off with a two-run single wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. Any one of the Padres could have hit a grand slam homer in the seventh and created a crucial save situation, but it took Chad Durbin to make that dream come true.


When he jogged from the bullpen in the eighth, my son cried, “Why me, Lord!” I can see Charlie Manuel’s reasoning—Durbin’s worst outing looks pretty descent compared to Park’s. 


But when he loaded the bases with back-to-back walks with two out, Manuel folded. He bet on Ryan Madson and won as the reliable reliever threw one token pitch to end the game.


So, Park finally ended his outing (and possibly his career) after tossing 33 pitches and reducing the Phil’s lead to five. I haven’t seen that kind of perfection since my husband cleared an entire room with a single burrito fart.


Worst of all, he almost cramped the style of minor league ace Antonio Bastardo. That young lefty waltzed into Petco Park and embraced opportunity like me meeting Jayson Werth—only without getting arrested.


Under the direction of Carlos Ruiz, he pitched six innings of four-hit ball and added only one earned run to his resume while striking out five. He may be too young for the majors but he’s of legal age for me. 


I’m sorry, was I thinking out loud?


It’s newsworthy to add a Happy Birthday to Raul Ibanez. It’s obvious from the decimal level of the Raauuuuls when he hit each of his two-run dingers, that Petco Park was a full-house of Phils fans.


I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the Phils don’t have fans anymore, they have groupies. They’ve infiltrated major league parks this season like a hookah haze at a Dead concert.


With Ibanez’s season stats of 51 RBI, 19 home runs, and all over great team attitude, sports psychologist, Harvey Dorfman has made him his poster child. 


I hope he’s naked. I’ll pin him up by my Phillie “Playmate of the Week” calendar.


JC Romero returns today and you know what that means. Someone’s got to go. I wonder who’ll make the discard pile?


So, this South Korean walks into the ballpark.


That’s the joke.


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