These Drunk Fans Are the Worst
For those of us that can handle our alcohol, drinking and sports go together pretty darn well. It’s simple mathematics: Something fun + something else fun = something funner. Never forgetting the very important caveat about the ability to keep it together.
Then again, simple mathematics can also explain why combining booze and sports can be a risky prospect. Something that inspires great passion + something that heightens emotions and decreases inhibitions = a potential major disaster in the making.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a reasonable number of drinks with friends to enhance the sports-watching experience. Unless you’re a sloppy drunk prone to engaging in shenanigans that diminish the sports-watching experience for everyone around you.
Like, for instance, the folks in this slideshow. These drunk fans are seriously the worst.
Vikings Fan Fall
*Warning: F-Bombs are (deservedly) dropped in this video. You’ve been warned.
In December 2013 a man in an Adrian Peterson shirt went to a Vikings game and got so rip-roaring drunk that by the time he made his way to his seat before the game, he no longer had the ability to walk.
Considering the reaction AD gets from the guy filming him, you get the sense that he had been stumbling around making an ass of himself for some time. Then, realizing he’s on camera, he promptly stumbles over a few rows of seats.
Bewildered Bills Fan
The Bills fan in this video isn’t actually behaving that badly. He’s obviously incoherent and inexplicably wearing red tights under his jorts, but seems harmless for the most part.
The problem with drunks like this is that you never know when something can escalate into something very unpleasant. Particularly when being heckled by antagonistic bros.
And considering he’s drunk and dressed like that before the game even started, imagine how quickly things can escalate when the Bills drop a deuce in the second half hours later.
How to Make the Metro Worse
I live right outside of DC, so I can personally attest to the wretchedness of the Metro. It’s actually the best subway I’ve ever been on, but the best of the worst is still bad.
The densely packed (and often stink) ride at rush hour is definitely the worst, but a close second is a late night ride with irritating drunks who are sinking, dancing or puking.
Thankfully this drunk Niners fan isn’t puking, which is the only thing he’s got going for him.
Pirates Playoffs, Poor Decisions
In the defense of this very stupid Pirates fan, he probably had two decades of abject futility frustration built up by the time the Buccos won their first playoff game (since the 1992 playoffs) last September.
That being said, celebrating by jumping off the Clemente bridge into the cold waters of the Allegheny River below is, quite possibly, the stupidest possible way to celebrate pretty much everything.
He’s just lucky the story the next day was still the Pirates, rather than “Local Idiot Drowns, Darwinism At Its Finest.”
The Sleepiest Giants Fan
Generally speaking, drunks are generally classified as either happy or angry. Those are pretty catch-all categories, but it excludes another very distinct type of drunk that we all know—the sleepy drunk.
Sleepy drunks usually start off happy, but a few drinks in and they become incoherent sleepwalking zombies. This Giants fan is a sleepy drunk and likely spent the entire second half of this game snoring.
Royal Ass at the Royal Ascot
From what I’ve gathered online, the Royal Ascot is a high profile horse race that takes place just west of London. It looks like a somewhat skankier version of the Kentucky Derby.
Although the female fashion may be a bit more risqué than at the Derby, it’s still a relatively swanky affair that is often attended by the Queen. An affair that is, apparently, treated like an aristocratic frat party.
There’s nothing more dignified than passing out on the lawn in a suit.
Drunken Colts Crooner
*First a h/t to Deadspin for first bringing this under-viewed YouTube gem to my attention last October.
After losing to the Chargers earlier in the season, this wickedly inebriated Colts fan drowns away his sorrows in music. Sweet, sweet music…he composed and sang himself…about his thumb.
The good thing about this dude is that, despite being very intoxicated and very sad, he didn’t feel the desire to fight anyone. The bad thing about him is that he probably does a lot of drunken depressing singing.
Which can be fun for awhile, but definitely loses its luster with each sad song. Trust me on this.
Tim Tebow's Drunkest Enthusiast
This drunk Tim Tebow fan at the 2010 Sugar Bowl is, perhaps, the most obnoxious drunk Tim Tebow fan ever. Although, I’m not sure if there’s a lot of overlap between the drunken community and the Tebow faithful.
That’s what I had to say, here’s what he has to say:
“Cincinnati is a great city but a bad football town, whooo!”
“Dirty Bearcats, dirty Bearcats, once more dirty Bearcats!”
“That’s more yard for the Tebow team. Tebow has his own team whether he starts or no he is out there!”
“Tebow is really number 82! He is the wide receiver, yep there goes TEBOW! Go Tebow, you don’t know about TIM!”
What a treat he must have been.
Saban Gets Smooched
Few in Miami had any warm feelings left for Nick Saban after he bailed on the Dolphins and accepted the head-coaching position at the University of Alabama in January 2007. Understandably so.
Not that it mattered one bit to Saban, who was treated like a conquering hero returning from war when he arrived in Tuscaloosa. And one hot mess of a Tide fan was on hand to welcome him to town with a sloppy drunk kiss.
Saban quickly pulls away from the lip lock and ends up in a headlock instead. They’re actually lucky he decided to stay after that icky incident.
Cleveland Welcoming Committee
Try to put the fact that these are Browns fans heckling visiting Steelers fans out of your mind, because that tragically one-sided rivalry isn’t the point here.
Almost everyone who has ever gone on the road to watch a game has experienced the gauntlet of drunken tailgaters. Obviously some are worse than others.
That long walk through the parking lot to the stadium is still one of the worst things about going to an away game and sometimes even enough to skip it altogether.
Drunk Popcorn Fan
At the Washington State-Stanford game in September 2013, one Cougars fan resorted to eating his feelings towards the end of what turned out to be a Cardinal rout.
“Drunk popcorn fan” became a national hero of sorts after the video of him pouring a bag of popcorn straight down his throat (except for all that spilled on/around him) went viral.
The ESPN announcer called him the “MVP” of the night, and he may well have been, but there’s a reason nobody is sitting anywhere near him. Dude is nasty.
Hot Girl Gets Hostile at Lions Game
Believe it or not, at a football game the nastiest person around you is surprisingly likely to be a drunk woman. In my experience it’s because misbehaving men are usually dealt with quite swiftly, while women seem to have a little more freedom.
A lot of drinks and a long leash can be a recipe for disaster, as was the case with this very drunk, very loud Lions fan back in 2009. That leash was probably substantially shorter in jail, which is where she was eventually hauled off to.
Don't Mess with Jimmie Johnson
At the 2013 Sprint All Star Race last May, there was at least one very drunk NASCAR fan in the crowd that was not a fan of Jimmie Johnson. He demonstrated his distaste for the driver by chucking his beer in the general direction of the driver’s car.
Thankfully, he just so happened to be sitting next to Johnson’s No. 1 fan, so things kind of worked themselves out. Let’s just say…everyone in that audience would think twice before besmirching Johnson on that girl’s watch ever again.
Red Sox F-Bomb
*Warning: This video contains strong language, specifically “the f word.” If your little baby ears can’t handle that, skipping ahead is advised.
That being said, if you’ve ever encountered a drunk Boston fan, it’s nothing you haven’t heard before. After the Red Sox won the World Series in October, the local news made the mistake of talking to fans live on the air.
Drunk on victory and $9 beers, that’s a recipe for live on-air f-bombs if I’ve ever heard one. That reporter is most likely from Beantown himself, he really should’ve known better!
Amazing Race Ends Poorly for Bears Fan
In November 2013 a couple of inebriated Bears fans saw fit to engage in an impromptu footrace on the streets of Chicago. Perhaps proving there is a God, it ended in the most perfect way possibly conceivable in the mind of man.
The fan wearing the Walter Payton jersey demonstrated substantially worse footwork than Sweetness. Although there is a silver lining to running face first into a pole; perhaps he temporarily forgot about the Bears' growing playoff drought.
Chicago Helmet Heist
In November 2013 Jets defenseman Adam Pardy was checked into the glass during a game against the Blackhawks in Chicago. Pardy and the defender both went through the glass, which was weird enough.
Then a drunk ‘Hawks fan decided to get in on the action, reaching out and grabbing the helmet right off his head. Naturally his terrible girlfriend dumped a beer on Pardy, because…ya know…they’re terrible.
Bare Butt Guy
This photo was taken at a rugby match between the Reds and Crusaders back in 2000. There are no other details provided, but I think it’s fair to assume that fan is probably drunk.
After all, he did climb a goal post, pulled down his pants and looked like he's just about to jump off into the crowd. He damn well better be drunk.
Phillies Fan Gets Branded...an Idiot
In April 2013 a drunk and deeply disturbed Phllies fan decided to make his tailgate a memorable one in the most obvious way possible. By having his bro brand his bare ass with a spatula straight off the grill.
Decked out in what looks to be a full Phillies uniform—with a Flyers t-shirt under his unbuttoned jersey—and what looks to be a Santa hat, dude was obviously feeling no pain at that point in time.
Whatever though, they’re consenting idiot adults. The part that really bothers me about all this is that you know they didn’t wash that spatula before getting back to cooking.
The Mascot Almost Always Laughs Last
Be it good or bad, there are few things on Earth more satisfying than seeing someone get exactly what he or she deserves. In the case of this terrible Rockets fan catching a game in Utah, it’s definitely bad.
He actually looks like a guy that would respond poorly to a mascot spraying silly string on him, proving sometimes you can judge a book by its cover. Baldy reacts to the “incident” by pouring his beer on the Jazz Bear.
The Bear could have just been content with grabbing security and having the angry dude removed, but he decided to seek retribution first. You’ll have to watch to see what happens, but it’s both glorious and deserved.
Bama Mom Throws Down
At the 2014 Sugar Bowl, heavily favored Alabama was upset by Oklahoma and nobody handled it more poorly than the now infamous “Bama Mom,” Michelle Pritchett. A middle-aged mother of three, Pritchett was caught on video attacking a Sooners fan after a verbal altercation.
Bama Mom defended her actions, insisting she’d do it again and copped to having “a couple of drinks” but denied being “drunk.” Okay, so maybe she wasn’t drunk…but seriously…when was the last time you remember a drunk person admitting to being drunk? “I’M NOT DRUNK!” is the drunk motto.