Fernando's Musings From the Taqueria: MLB Week 2

Written by Chaim Witz

Each week we will go around the league and recap all of the significant happenings, in an effort to keep you, the reader, abreast of such time sensitive news. And of course, by "each week," I mean "probably not each week."

La Semana Dos

Wet Fart of the Week: The Washington Nationals

So much for breaking up the Nats. After winning their first three, they looked positively National-esque by losing their next nine, including getting swept by the Marlins. I blame the hasty completion of their new, overly green ballpark.

Fantasy Sleeper Makes Good: Brian Bannister, Royals

He's drawing comparisons to a young Greg Maddux, but can he fart like him? Either way, his 3-0 record and 0.86 ERA would make Mad Dog proud.

Fantasy Sleeper Gone to Pot: Francisco Liriano, Twins

He's drawn comparisons to a young Johan Santana. On Sunday, he looked more like an old Shawn Estes. It might take him a while to get his mojo back.

Best Beard: Nick Swisher, White Sox

And by best, I mean worst. Look at this thing. The thing is, Swisher doesn't give a s***. He'll still sleep with your girlfriend, drink OJ straight out of the container and eat the rest of your cereal.

The Black Cal and Billy Ripken: Justin and BJ Upton, D-Backs and Rays

Who knew that Justin would be this good this fast? Well, Jesus probably did. Although no one would dare call Justin a "F*** Face" like they did poor Billy.

That Was Quick. (That's What She Said): Evan Longoria, Rays

So much for him toiling away in the minors til the All-Star Break. Now the only question is, will this prized rookie be more Ryan Braun or Alex Gordon? Judging by the dong he smacked last night, the smart money is on the former.

Enjoy It While It Lasts: Gabe Kapler, Brewers

Talk about the textbook "sell high" fantasy candidate. This guy is smacking the ball (4 HR in 26 AB) like Brett Myers smacks his wife, but don't expect it to last.

The guy was managing in Single A ball last year for poop's sake. Plus, with the imminent return of Mike Cameron and Tony Gwynn Jr., look for Kapler to be coaching (albeit in AA) again by mid-season.

Give These Guys a Greasy Taco

Lance Berkman, Astros: 3HR, 7RBI, 8R
Casey Kotchman, Halos: .455 AVG, 2HR, 5RBI
Javier Vasquez, White Sox: 2-0, 17K, 1.93 ERA
Dan Haren, D-Backs: 2-0, 12K, 1.08 WHIP
Justin Upton, D-Backs: 10H, 2HR, 8RBI
Jason Bay, Pirates: 3HR, .381 AVG, 6R
Albert Poopholes, Cards: .417 AVG, 3HR, HGH

Give These Guys a Tortilla Filled With Cilantro

Miguel Cabrera, Tigers: .227 AVG, 1 RBI, 1R
Phil Hughes, Yankees: 5IP, 16.20 ERA, 3.80 WHIP
Ryan Braun, Brewers: 3/25, 1R, 7K
Hunter Pence, Astros: 3/19, O HR, Gone Huntin'
Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies: .111 AVG, O RBI, the Lord's scorn
Mark Prior: Ass
Roy Oswalt, Astros: 4IP, 18.00 ERA, 2.25 WHIP